All in Special Needs

I wish you could have laid down next to him as he fell asleep last night. He was smiling at me until his mouth was too tired. His eyes looked into mine, opening and closing slowly until he gave into a world of sweet dreams. I loved that moment with him. I thought about how awful it would be if I didn't have him in my life…and then I thought of you. I thought about how I would give you this moment if you would take it.

If I knew that slowing down to say hello to a fellow mom could land me in such a pool of mommy guilt, I would have kept on going. She started off the conversation with a rather innocent question, but before I knew what happening, one of my comments opened up a door to an accusation I never saw coming . . . and that triggered an onslaught of mommy guilt.  I nodded along with a smile on my face, but but on the inside, I was on the brink of tears and feeling like a failure as a mom.  

Guilt has the power wreck us, but God’s grace always has the upper hand when we yield to His truth. {click to tweet}

I pressed on with the details of the evening, feeling icky and wishing I could go home. All I wanted to do was talk to my husband, and yet looking back, I’m so glad that was not an option. Instead, I ended up emptying my heart before the Lord each time the emotions rose up inside of me.

"I'm tired of being afraid. I'm wondering how I got this way. I'm trying to remember what life was like before. Panic moved in without even knocking on the door. Have mercy on me. I'm not who I used to be. Have mercy on me. Jesus, please..." Have Mercy on Me lyrics, -JJ Heller

I remember so clearly, as though it was only yesterday and not nearly three years in my past, those overwhelming feelings of panic that would run through my veins every minute of every day and night for what seemed to be months on end.

I can close my eyes and instantly recall the constant unrest that would swirl around within my mind, and the tears...the most sincere and heartfelt tears I think I may have ever cried in my whole life, that would fall day after day after day. Night after night after night.