Motherhood is something I have longed for my entire life.
Motherhood is also proving to be far more challenging than I could have ever imagined...and far more rewarding, of course. Yet the most surprising thing is the way in which it is difficult.
Yes, you're sleep deprived. Yes, you're covered in bodily fluids and more. Yes, it's physically and emotionally exhausting.
But the most paramount of surprises in regards to motherhood is this:
Motherhood sheds such stark light upon my own faults. Shortcomings. Selfishness.
History has proven that on many a night spent rocking a sick baby, as a battle has raged deep within me.
I'm tired. I just wish she would sleep so I could sleep. I'm so sick of puke and poo and laundry.
But not this night.
This night, I hold his fevered body against mine and listen to the ragged breathing.
I stroke his soft hair, noting how the silkiness of a babe is gone and the thickness of a wee boy has come.
His head nestles under my chin and my breathing falls in time with his. His breathing, so shallow and strained.
Heat radiates as I rub his small back up and down, up and down, up and down.
No, this night there is no pleading with the Almighty for the sweet release of sleep. No counting the minutes until my head finds the pillow.
This night, I cherish. My heart full nigh to bursting with the gratitude of being in this place; being his mother. Full of awe and wonder that so precious a thing could be entrusted to me. Overflowing with love and compassion for the little man splayed across my chest; and for his precious sisters sprawled, limbs akimbo in their beds.
This night it is not hard. This night the veil of self that so often blinds and distorts Truth is pulled aside and the glory and wonder that is this calling of Motherhood stands bright and stark and clear.
And this night, I embrace it with thanks to God for His good and gracious gift.
Have you ever had a moment like this, when the hard suddenly doesn't seem so hard, rather a blessing miracle? Or are you in the middle of a night in your mothering right now? How can we pray for you?
Praying for you today,
Jen Deibel
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