"Suppose your stories...say that everything should have been different. Suppose you encourage or even just allow your children to believe that their parents ought to have been different people…with a better chance, born in a better place… Doesn’t that finally unmake everything that has been made? Isn’t that the loose thread that unravels the whole garment?
...Sometimes you can say dreadful things without knowing it." ~Wendell Berry
And I wonder... Have I said those things? Without speaking them.
Have I unknowingly said? I would’ve, could’ve, should’ve, might’ve Wanted to be somewhere else, somewhere not with them, Surrounded by little hands and little feet and sticky chair backs.
Have I made them feel it? That there is something more, something different, that I want– Something missing– Unclaimed, thwarted ground– That I’m longing for?
"If by doing some work which the undiscerning consider not spiritual work I can best help others, and I inwardly rebel, thinking it is the spiritual for which I crave, when in truth it is the interesting and exciting, then I know nothing of Calvary love." ~Amy Carmichael
Because if I’ve said those unsaid words...
With a sigh as I glance at the muddy laundry piles. Or a scowl as I wash nose prints off the sliding door. Or a frown when it takes too long for tying shoes.
If I've seemed too busy to listen to stories. Or I appear to count the minutes until naptime. Or if I've pushed away questions with a wave of my hand.
Or if I ever, ever, ever let it seem that my heart is somewhere else.
Forgive me. I didn’t mean to. I don’t want to. Please forgive me.
For I want to dwell in this land that He has provided as a friend of faithfulness (Psalm 37:3). Strengthened by His power, according to His might, for all endurance and patience with joy (Col. 1:12). Learning to be content in whatever the situation (Phil. 4:11-12). That I may finish my course and the ministry I received from the Lord...so that I may testify to the gospel of the grace of God (Acts 20:24).
This Is what I want. It's what He’s given me, These incredible years with you... That are passing too quickly already.
"If we had the least notion of God’s lovingkindness and tender mercy, His fatherly care for His poor children, His generousity, His beautiful plans for us; if we knew how patiently He waits for our turning to Him, how gently He means to lead us to green pastures and still waters, how carefully He is preparing a place for us, how ceaselessly He is ordering and ordaining and engineering His Master Plan for our good-if we had any inkling of all this, could we be reluctant to let go of our smashed dandelions or whatever we clutch so fiercely in our sweaty little hands?… If with courage and joy we pour ourselves out for Him and for others for His sake, it is not possible to lose, in any final sense, anything worth keeping. We will lose ourselves and our selfishness. We will gain everything worth having.” –Elizabeth Elliot
These lines have fallen for me in pleasant places (Is. 26:3). His beautiful threads that have woven us into a family.
And in His intimate knowing-ness, Because He sees those deepest places, Of what would really make me– Live. And love. And give. And learn. And need. And trust. And grow. And shine for Him.
He knew it would be– This.
In this appointed time and place and season of these Little Years. Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned... And to which God has called (1 Cor 7:17).
“Christian contentment…is the direct fruit of having no higher ambition than to belong to the Lord and to be totally at his disposal in the place He appoints, at the time He chooses, with the provision He is pleased to make.” ~Sinclair Ferguson
So…. If you (sweet child) Ever think you’ve heard me say– Or want. Or claim. Or desire. Or strive for….
Something else. Something different than– This.
Just know that–
This is what He gave me. And I want nothing else (not more)… And for me all else would be less than…
"Motherhood as a mission field is giving up yourself. Lay yourself down. Sacrifice yourself here, now. Cheerfully wipe the nose for the fiftieth time today. Make dinner again for the people who don't like the green beans. Laugh when your plans are thwarted by a vomiting child. Lay yourself down for the people here with you, the people who annoy you, the people who get in your way, the people who take up so much of your time that you can't read anymore. Rejoice in them. Sacrifice for them. Gain that which you cannot lose in them." ~Rachel Jankovic
Kara @ The Chuppies
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