Remembering back to my early years of being a mom, it's still incredibly vivid just how lonely and overwhelming my days (and nights... can I get an amen?) tended to be. I had an overabundance of hormones and emotions, and not nearly enough sleep to balance them all...unfortunately for both myself...and my husband.
And so often in the midst of those dark monotonous days, I found myself wondering if just maybe God had made a major mistake in allowing me to be a mother after all. I had all these expectations and hopes imagining what motherhood and marriage would look like, and what I was experiencing most certainly didn't seem to match up to any of them. And so, it was in that place of comparison, loneliness, self-pity and sleep deprivation that I found myself desperately needing to find a purpose and a connection beyond my husband and children.
Now, I don't for a moment regret the decision to start my blog or YouTube channel, for it was in choosing to share the "Me Too" moments of my life (and most especially the ones shared back with me) that helped in healing from the postpartum angst, anxiety, and struggles I found myself struggling to get out of.
Yet, as it would happen, it was in the midst of seeking to find my purpose on those pages and platforms that God was truly able to open my eyes and heart to the platform I was already being gifted to grow.
The one he'd blessed me with at home.
It wasn't a realization that came easy though, and in those years (and still to the second I write this post and beyond) I have had to face some tough truths about my selfishness and desires. But having that giant mirror held up to my heart truly ended up being the best thing that could ever have happened to me. Because as I slowly began to look up from the mirror and take notice of what I had always deemed so important, I realized none of it any longer held the same appeal.
And while the seed had long been planted, it's really only been in these last few years, and especially in these last two of our homeschooling journey, that I have come to truly appreciate that before all else, it is the family God has blessed me with, that is my greatest purpose of all.
I assure you this perspective definitely becomes clearer once you and your babies are consistently sleeping through the night! I also assure you there are days even with a lot of sleep and older children, that this perspective is a bit harder to call to mind and believe. Thankfully God's truth doesn't change based on our emotions or circumstances!
And while I still long to have purpose and connection outside the home, it's no longer to fill an empty void. Because now I realize that anything I'm blessed with beyond my family, is simply just an overflow of abundance. A blessing to be sure, but never one that comes before the two little souls that stand before me each and every day.
I know the years of being a mother can at times be overwhelming, lonely, thankless and tiring. And I know that in those years, we long to be used for a purpose, to live with intention, and to make a difference somewhere...somehow...
But the truth, the reassuring comforting truth is...
God has given us a purpose.
He has asked us to live with intention.
And in staying faithful to what he's called us to, we will absolutely be making a difference in little lives each and every second of the day.
For there is truly no greater platform that you will ever build or be responsible for, than the one he has blessed you with right there in your home.
Summer Saldana www.summersaldana.com
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