Vaping And My Middle School Son

This week, my middle school son, Oliver, and I had our standing one on one dinner out before youth group. As we sat and talked, he shared his strategies for batting at his upcoming baseball game. I talked about the new book I’m working on and some of my own strategies. We giggled over a silly YouTube video and I tried to scare him by hiding around the corner and jumping out at him when he came out of the restaurant. It was a fun evening of laughing and bonding. Our relationship is one I hope always feels this close.

Later that night, we had a much different conversation and it’s a great example of a few things I have learned from more than a decade of teaching middle and high schoolers. It might just be what you need to hear to navigate hard conversations with your own tween or teen. 

After I dropped Oliver off at church I ran errands before returning to bring him home. Oliver got in the car and we chit-chatted a bit about nothing all that important. He then buried his head in his phone...and I let him. After a few moments of silence, he spoke up. “Mom, I’m starting to hear rumors that kids at school are vaping,” he said. 

I, calmly while keeping my eyes on the road, “Oh, really?” 

“Yeah. I think it might even be happening at school, but I’m not sure. I think it’s the older kids.”

“I see. That’s really too bad. What an immature thing to do. And potentially dangerous too. How do you feel about that?” I said, curious.  

He immediately opened up, “Well, I think it’s really stupid. It’s a little stressful for me to have to deal with this with all the pressure from schoolwork and everything.” “Yes. I understand how that would feel like a lot. You shouldn’t have to deal with that but people make bad choices sometimes that affect us. I’m sorry, Buddy. So what’s your plan if someone asks you to try it?” 

He took a moment to consider and then said, “Well, it depends. I don’t want to be a snitch, but I would have to go straight to a counselor at school to tell them if it’s someone I don’t know very well.” 

He paused and I nodded my head, “Uh-huh.” 

Then he began again. “I would think about who it is that is asking me. If it’s a close friend, I’ll be gentle but firm. I’ll say, ‘Hey, that’s just not my style, so no thanks. But, Dude, you are my friend and you know this could be dangerous. Don’t ask other kids to do this. If you want to do it, that’s up to you but you really should keep it at home, okay Bro?’ and then I would walk away.” 

At this point, my mama heart is beaming and I say, “I think that’s a great plan, Oliver. You are a wise and good friend. And now you know what to say when someone approaches you which should relieve some of the stress you feel. Proud of you!” 

You see, over the last year, in casual but intentional moments, I have been purposeful to share with my kids about vaping and how dangerous it can be. When a good article comes up, I give them the bullet points. I have also learned that role-playing, even casually, goes a long way to help them when the moment of truth presents itself.

We talk about things we could say or do when a threat arises. For example, my boys know that if they ever see anything inappropriate on a screen, they can do two things:

1) Look away and focus on an object or person nearby and put the device down. 

2) Say, “hot potato” or some such thing to remind them this image could “burn their eyes” and so they don’t want to keep looking at it. Then, they need to tell mom or dad. (We explain how images can take root in their minds and that it is not their fault, but they are not helpless. They can prevent it from hurting them by taking specific actions to minimize exposure.) 

We also emphasize that our kids will never get in trouble or be punished if something pops up on a screen or someone asks them to try vaping or some other thing we want them to avoid. They can and should always tell us because we will help them! They also know that even if they make a wrong choice, we love them unconditionally. 

Parenting tweens and teens is not easy, but it’s also not as hard as we sometimes make it. Middle and High School students need parents to listen and show them that we have confidence in their ability to handle tough circumstances. That’s empowering! We can make suggestions in the form of questions and turn difficult topics into opportunities to show our kids we know they can handle it. Our support in who they are actually helps them become who we want them to be--kids who can speak up for themselves and use godly wisdom to make good choices! 

God gives us this verse to encourage us in our parenting: “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.” (Proverbs 22:6, NLT) 

In my book, Triggers, co-authored with Wendy Speake, I emphasize the idea of becoming a parent who views themselves as a “coach” when it comes to implementing parenting strategies.

Great coaches evaluate the needs of their pupils and then set up practices and strategies accordingly.

They patiently work through exercises intentionally to help their athlete or musician.

Directing our kids on a right path, giving them opportunities to practice in the safety of our loving supervision, and communicating our belief in their ability to mature and be wise is one of the greatest things we can do for our kids--because sadly, the stakes are much higher than winning a medal or earning a certificate.

When we parent intentionally and learn to communicate in loving ways, coaching them along the path to maturity, most of the time our kids, “will not leave it”. Though relationships with others will be tested by these temptations, the relationship we foster with our children will be one that lasts. 

Blessings,

Amber Lia