Do You Love Him?

There is something that pierces my soul. It stares me in the eyes and I am forced to remember. Four years ago I learned something that I would never forget. Something I can’t be quiet about until my breath is gone.

But first, look at him—my son…

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Some things are more comfortable kept quiet. Kept secret. Some things hurt too much to talk about, or even think about…but maybe, just maybe, you will read this in secret.

Sometimes we don’t understand why hard things happen to us. Or why a baby like my son is given to us. For every ten women who find out they’re having a baby with Down syndrome, only one of them continues with their pregnancy. When I first read that Elias was the only one of ten to be born, my heart and soul ached. Four years later the aching hasn’t stopped, it hasn’t gone away. It has become worse.

Like a mother who tries to articulate the beauty of that moment she holds her newborn and looks into his eyes for the first time, how could I ever explain to you how much I love my son?

“Do you love him?” she asked me. The fear of the unknown was shaking in her voice as we talked over the phone. She was desperate to know if I loved Elias, and if she could ever love her unborn son with Down syndrome.

How can I tell you what my heart feels when I lay down with him in his bed, and he sings and puts his hand on my face? Or what wonderful thoughts go through my mind when he sees his daddy and yells, “Daddy!” and with everything in his little body he gives his best hug? And the joy I feel when I see him wrestle with his brother and belly laugh with his sister. I wish you could know for a moment the depth of love I have for my son.

There is right and there is wrong. Life is always right.

If God has created breath, they are meant to breathe. The inhale and the exhale, the beating—they don’t want to stop. They want to breath, they want to beat.

I watch his chest rise and fall. I put my face next to his and feel his breath. My hand is resting on his heart. He knows what so many babies should know; but they don’t, and they never will.

There is something that pierces my soul. Something that stares me in the eyes every day. Every day I’m reminded: those who God has given life to are meant to live. I am one mom out of ten that knows the joy and beauty of having a child with Down syndrome. And I can tell you, my life is full. I love my son and I would not change him or choose a different life.

Falls_12Blessings,

Natalie Falls

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Comments

  1. says

    I have a spinal condition that is considered to be a type of Spina bifida, so when I became pregnant it became a concern. Especially from my OB. He wanted us to have an amnio done along with genetic testing. He gave me some time to think about it. So over the few weeks between appointments, I talked to my husband and my mom about it doing and my concerns. The risk for miscarriage is higher, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to risk it. Then my mom asked me a question that helped me make up my mind. She asked me “what would it change? would you not have the baby if you knew?” and my answer was “it wouldn’t change anything.” I knew in that moment that no matter what happened, I would still have the baby and still love it with everything I had. We did decide to go with some less invasive testing though. Tests showed she did have a higher chance at SB than anything else, but it didn’t matter. She is beautiful and healthy, and I know we made the right decision. I couldn’t imagine our life without her in it.

  2. Vicky says

    I did not know this statistic… how very sad. :-( I refused the tests in both my pregnancies because, to me, it didn’t matter. Your son is beautiful.

  3. Satin P says

    Wow! This is BEAUTIFUL! I love your heart & your passions for LIFE! What a blessing you are! Thank you for sharing! ♥

  4. Charlsey G says

    Thank you so much for sharing this. Beautiful. And your son is gorgeous! You all are so blessed to have him :)

  5. says

    Thanks for sharing your story, Natalie. Your son as a smile that would light up any room.

    I had my children in my late thirty and I did not get tested with any of them because it would not change my view of wanting them anyway.

    God already tested my children and found them beautiful and perfect in His sight and that is what they are to me.

    Peace to you.

  6. Kay says

    YES, YES, YES!!! And the world so desperately NEEDS your son and your witness! Amen! I am so happy to see this today! How beautiful!

  7. Moe says

    Your words hit home today. I’m 40 and just found out I’m unexpectedly pregnant with baby #4, scared to death how we’ll afford this surprise. I have considered all options including ending it (not my first choice, but a fear-based one). I’ve been praying for signs and for the first time in my life I prayed for more money (somehow it always felt wrong to ask for that) just to live a little more comfortably. Yesterday I found a dollar bill outside my house, perhaps I should have been a little more specific on the amount of money. Haha. But it felt like a sign. Today I’m reading your story…. “When God gives you life…. you are meant to live”. I just wanted to say that you made the right choice, your son is adorable! I’m saddened to hear that statistic, wow 9/10 is so high! Well, Thank you for sharing your story, it gives me that boost of faith that I needed. Now if the morning sickness would just stop! ;-)

  8. Sharon says

    Oh.my.word. Your son is adorable!!!! And I, too, loved this part “When God gives you life….You are meant to live.” Amen to that! I didn’t have the tests as the results wouldn’t have mattered. Also, isn’t there a high rate of inaccuracy with the tests? Maybe that isn’t the case anymore. Anyways, growing up, my best friends Mom was pregnant with twins and was told one of them would have some sort of problem. I don’t remember what it was, a disability or something. Anyways, I’m happy to report that both girls are completely and totally fine. Good thing my friend’s Mom did not make some rash decision based on inaccurate info.

  9. Mary T says

    Natalie, Amen to life! Amen to love! I have been blessed by our loving God, for 33 years, to nurture and educate children with challenges! Of all ages (but most years in preschool) displaying a variety of strengths and needs (as do we all!). I am currently in a classroom for medically fragile children, which returned me to my roots, the beginning of my vocation. My grandson is a student in my class! I also am the head coach of our local Special Olympic team of 75 athletes between 8 and 38 years old. A couple of my old buddies decided to stay vs moving on to other teams! LOL! I LOVE MY CHILDREN AND THANK GOD AND THE PARENTS FOR SHARING THEIR LIVES WITH ME EVERY DAY! I counsel and provide information to parents. I advocate with them for children, all children. One dream I have had is to speak to parents before their children are born to share my joy and passion for life and love! All parents will face challenges in raising their children but I believe that God chooses special parents for each child and it is up to us to accept His great gift of life and love and joy to us and seek His guidance as we provide the opportunities for a joy-filled life for them! God bless you!

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