The Other Side of Me – Walking Through the Dark

Having children is tough…literally.  Every Bible-reading, God-fearing, and child-bearing mom knows that the curse that fell on Eve in the Garden, still falls on every woman in a gown, groaning with labor pains.  But every woman who has had a miscarriage also knows there is a groaning and an aching that comes not from labor pains, but from losing a child.  

This is my story…the other side of me. I have felt the pain of the labor of four children who I cherish, but I have also felt the pain of losing five more that I have not yet met. I try to hide it most of the time because it is easier that way, but I am broken.  From the appointment I waltzed into excited to find out if it was a boy or a girl, and scurried out of weeping. From the maternity clothes worn without reason and the bulging pelvis, empty. From those dreaded machines that would reveal perfect children with no heartbeat.  From hearing those words too many times, “I am so sorry”…..

My first miscarriage was at 13 weeks. It was very difficult, but I reassured myself with the thoughts that my child was in a better place, and all would be well. But then I had another at 20 weeks pregnant. My expectations were shattered, and I was wrecked. From then on, I was the girl who sat in the waiting room, literally ill from fear, tears rolling down my face. Every single pregnancy I was afraid. I was afraid of what could happen.

I trusted God so deeply, but I knew my trust in Him didn’t guarantee me a child. I trusted God the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth time.  And it still happened. The more losses I had, the more weary I got.  It was a slow fade.  My prayers were unanswered by God, and my questions remain unanswered by the doctors.

Why God?  It is the cry of a broken heart.  I know that there are so many of us who have experienced heartache and pain.  Do you ask God why?  What do you do, when like me, your questions return void?

Follow me as we discover a beautiful truth.  Psalm 119:105 says,”Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.”

Ancient Oil Lamp Several Thousand Years Old

This is an ancient oil lamp from several thousand years ago.  It is small, barely covering one palm. As I hold it, I imagine walking in the darkness with only a small flicker coming out of the tip, barely penetrating the darkness. I have to hold it close to the ground, and sometimes close to me, to even see where I am going.  This is likely what the Psalmist had in mind when he penned the words “Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.”  It is not a lot of light.  It is just enough light to take that next step.  Though the darkness around me can feel great, and the questions remain unanswered, God’s Word is enough for me to continue on the path.  His Word illuminates our path, sheds light on His character, His promises, and His plans.

Although it has been hard, I have come to realize that my heartache isn’t really “the other side” of me.  This is me. God is using my experiences to shape and mold me into who He wants me to be.  Do you have that “other side”?  Things you have faced or are facing that you just try not to think about?  Friends, no matter what heartache you have experienced, God has a plan. He has a path lit for you. As you walk with God, you never truly walk in the dark. He is the light. His Word is the light. Walk with Him and you will never truly walk in the dark.  You will walk through it because He is guiding and sustaining you.

Blessings, Ruth

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Comments

  1. Joy says

    Wow, Ruth. This is quite possibly the best blog post I have read. EVER. Thank you for sharing your story so authentically. I am SURE you will touch many, many women with this today. HUGS and love to you today. I am so sorry that you had to deal with so much pain, my heart aches for you, sweet one. THANK YOU for sharing. May God greatly use your pain and your honesty for His glory.

  2. Amber's Articles says

    Just enough light…..it is all we need, but I would be lying if I said, “It’s all I want.”

    Thank you for sharing this intimately, personal story. I have a dear friend who has just experienced her first mis-carriage and I know this post will minister to her heart in a different way than it has mine.

    • Anonymous says

      Thank you for sharing this with your friend and for your kind words. Yes I know.. sometimes we want more than “just enough”, but when we are walking through the dark that “just enough” seems SO bright…

  3. says

    Ruth, what a beautiful outpouring of brokenness–though it hurts, God sees it and shapes you. You have His eyes as you look through the pain. Bless you friend and thank you for sharing your story here. I can’t wait to hug you at Relevant.

    • Anonymous says

      Awww Christin.. I can’t wait to hug you either! :) This has been a journey of 8 years..ugh! And I just in the last 6 months have really started to process it all… In the midst of it all there is a HUGE blessing.. I wouldn’t have three of my living children, if I hadn’t had 3 of my miscarriages.. Thank you for your sweet words friend :).

    • Anonymous says

      Jessica I looove that picture too. My husband actually shared that we me a few months ago and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. Such a powerful picture of what the words..”Thy Word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path” really describe. Blessings friend.

  4. Barb Spencer says

    Your words are so powerful, Ruth. No matter pain we face, you so beautifully write that “His Word illuminates our path, sheds light on His character, His promises, and His plans”. I’m so sorry for your losses, but how wonderful you have shared here how God uses these experiences in our lives to make us like Himself.

    • Anonymous says

      Thank you Barb. I know you can identify with “just enough light” to take that next step, through Mike’s cancer. You are an inspiration to me and I am thankful for you. Blessings friend.

  5. says

    Thank you for sharing. I had two early miscarriages before I got pregnant with our daughter (who is now 16 months old). We are talking about trying for another baby soon, but I am honestly terrified to get pregnant again, for fear of it happening again… Thanks for your words of encouragement.

    • Anonymous says

      Carrie, I am praying for you right now. I know that feeling of fear all to well. The only thing that kept me going was to cling to God. Although I had 5 miscarriages, I also had 4 children that were born completely healthy. To the doctor’s it is a mystery.. to me it is a miracle! Keep Psalm 119:105 close to you and find your strength in Him alone as you move forward. Blessings to you Carrie.

  6. says

    Thank you for sharing Ruth – I’m so sorry for your losses :( Your faith and the truth of the oil lamp encourage me. We walk through a dark world but it’s bright where we are walking because the King of Kings is with us – keep walking with the King!
    Courtney

    • Anonymous says

      Amen to that Courtney! We all face darkness… I can’t even imagine not having the Lord to cling to. Blessings to you friend.

  7. says

    Ruth, that is so honest and so transparent. Thank you for sharing, I know it will touch many people. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how dark it seems, we always have enough light.

    • Anonymous says

      You are welcome Christy…. we ALL face darkness and it is so comforting to know that we have His light, His word, to cling to… Blessings friend.

  8. says

    What a beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and for sharing that passage in a new way for me. I have often struggled with the idea of God’s word as a light, because I’ve always seen it as something huge and illuminating that casts light in every direction and leaves no space for uncertainty, but this gives it such a different meaning, and one for me that is something that I can cling to.

    I’m sorry for your losses and thankful for a God who holds our heart so tenderly.

    • Anonymous says

      You are welcome Alise. I also found such comfort in this illustration of light being “just enough”…. Thank you for your kind words. Blessings..

  9. says

    I love this verse! Such great words of wisdom.
    I am sorry to hear about your losses. My goodness. Love your story of faithfulness though and so applicable to all of us!

  10. Anonymous says

    Ruth, I admit I have never gone through anything like a miscarriage (a heavy heartache it has to be), but your words are working on my soul and I can feel them stirring right as I type this. I think often I hold that lamp a little to close to my heart but I realize I need to move forward I have to do the work to straighten out my arms so that I can see and take that step….one step forward. Then do it again until I am again walking to the place God has for me. I am also very grateful to you for “The Better Mom”. I found you only last week and every post I read from facebook has been and is a blessing to me. Blessings to you….Thank you Ruth. (by the way I love !’s too!!!) :D

    • Anonymous says

      Hi Amy! (oops I just used an exclamation point ;).. I can’t help it! lol!) Thank you for your kind words. Although you have never faced a miscarriage, I am sure you have faced heartache, or will, and I agree the illustration of the lamp is so moving and so applicable to all situations.. Thank you for joining our community :). Can’t wait to get to know you better.

  11. Nance says

    this reminds me of my miscarriages. It was sooo hard, but I was comforted by God. I am sooo sorry u went thru this! I love the analogy of the iol lamp, it will stay with me! God bless u!

  12. says

    Ruth, I can relate to these feelings. I have lost 3 babies. After 3 healthy babies I lost one early, then my 3 yo’s twin at 20 weeks and a baby girl at 16 weeks. I remember thinking it cannot possible happen again…and Lord, I trust you with this no matter what…and it would happen again.

    Love to you in the continued healing and thanks for sharing.

    • Anonymous says

      Jen that is EXACTLY how I felt.. 13 weeks, 20 weeks, 16 weeks, 5 weeks, 16 weeks… Healthy babies with strong heartbeats and everything was perfect, but then their heart would stop…Every single time I would think there is no way this can happen again..and it did. Thank you for sharing and for your kind words…Blessings to you..

  13. Sara says

    This meant SO much to be Ruth. I am also a pastor’s wife! Where do you live? I have lost 2 children and have 3 live children. I had 2 back to back miscarriages last year.. one at 17 weeks and one at 10. Both very different. ONe there was a heartbeat and even movement and then she just died. The second a “blighted ovum” as they call it. Thanks for posting this to me..it meant SO much and the truth about there being JUST enough light is so so true. God bless you.:) Sara

  14. Karenlossing says

    Dearest Ruth, Thank you for sharing your pain with us! I am so very sorry for the hurt, and the heartache and the depth of your loss! I am so thankful that you can open up your pain to share with us, that our God is faithful! I am in awe with knowing how the Lord can take such painful experiences and use them to heal others…thank you for being that instrument! Thank you for being willing! Each of us that are willing to speak, show volumes of the depth of God’s Love, Mercy, Grace and His Faithfulness to His Children!

  15. says

    I love this one Ruth…
    –For the way you’ve been honest about the pain and the fear (and that makes my heart hurt for you…I’m so sorry).
    –For the way you’ve pointed to His hope and His life and Him holding you, guiding as you took steps forward trusting Him.

  16. says

    Very good. God really is there with us through it all. The story of miscarriage on my blog is very detailed-I thought I was ok, but it was hard to write-but it shows how God was with me each step of the way…

  17. says

    I hurt with you. Though I am the grateful mother of 7, I also have seven that are already with the Lord. There are times when I have almost felt guilty over the pain of losing babies as I do have many beautiful healthy children, and I know that there are some who have never had that joy. However, each child is precious and unique, and I miss them even though I never really knew them. I am now 40 and do not know how much longer I have of childbearing years. I wonder if I will be able to carry any more babies to full term. Trusting the Lord through childbearing is a workout sometimes. But He is GOOD! All the time! And I know that through my many miscarriages I have learned to love my children more fully and to appreciate them in ways that I know I would not have otherwise. Blessings to you!

  18. says

    Oh Ruth, thank you for sharing your heart so openly. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve experienced. I know God will continue to hold you close as He lights the way, one step at a time.

    • Anonymous says

      Thank you Jana for your kind words :). Yes I am soo thankful God holds us every step of the way. Blessings to you.

  19. theencouraginghome says

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart and experience. My heart hurts for you. My mother had 4 miscarriages and 4 children that survived. The four that were no longer with us were a part of our lives. The 4 of us knew about them and that we were missing half of our family, but we look forward to meeting our brothers or sisters one day!! I remember her pain, even many years later. I have never experienced it, but have experienced the grief of being told we could never have children. God has been gracious to bless us with 2 sons. We have always prayed and yearned for more, but that has not been God’s plan. It hurts ver deeply and I feel that part of my family is missing, but I know His ways are greater than my ways. I never wanted to be a 2 child family and always feel that I have to explain that we wanted more…silly, isn’t it? Perhaps God is teaching me contentment and trust in Him. Hugs to you, dear Ruth!

    • Anonymous says

      I completely understand…one of the reasons my heart aches is because I wanted to have more children…but God had another plan. So no that isn’t silly! :) I agree we need to just wholeheartedly trust in Him… Thank you for your sweet words.. Blessings to you friend.

  20. says

    Thanks for the encouragement. There are tough things going on in my life right now, and I know God is using them to shape me into who He wants me to be – just as you said. It isn’t easy, but God’s work is always beautiful in the end. Thanks!

    • Anonymous says

      Thank you Lisa. I know we all experience different hard times in our lives, and you are right that it isn’t easy AT ALL. Probably many times we would retreat and “start over” if we could, but it is a beautiful thing God is using to mold and shape us in to in the end. Blessings to you friend.

  21. Atlea says

    “Heaven is for Real” is a must read for all!
    I think of and comment about it because this topic comes up in the book.

  22. says

    Hi Ruth – I have a daughter in heaven, delivered with no heart beat at 17 weeks (after 2 healthy boys). When I am weak He is strong!

    thank you for sharing – and bringing comfort to mothers who grieve the little ones they never got to meet! loving you tonight in prayer !

  23. Kati says

    Thank you for writing this post. I had a miscarriage one year ago and it has been especially hard thinking/ aching over it 1 year later. Your message is full of hope and truth and I pray God blesses you for the comfort it is bringing me.

    • Anonymous says

      Kati I am so sorry for your loss. Praying God continues to heal your heart with this reminder that He is with you each step of the way. Blessings to you.

  24. The Nourishing Home says

    What a beautiful, beautiful post, Ruth! I just love your expositing on Psalm 119:105. You have illuminated that verse for me so fully and I can’t thank you enough for sharing your painful experiences – it is apparent that God is using your experiences to the encouragement and enlightenment of so many women. You are SUCH A BLESSING! May God continue to use you mightily! Much love and blessings, Kelly
    My favorite words of wisdom you shared … “It is not a lot of light. It is just enough light to take that next step. Though the darkness around me can feel great, and the questions remain unanswered, God’s Word is enough for me to continue on the path. His Word illuminates our path, sheds light on His character, His promises, and His plans.”

    • Anonymous says

      Thank you so much Kelly! Those same words that ring with you, ring with me… such a comfort to know that God is there every single step. Blessings friend.

  25. says

    Ruth, I don’t think there’s much I can add that the others haven’t already said, but I wanted to add my words of thanks for this post. I experienced my second miscarriage this summer only days after finding out I was pregnant, and the darkness I have traveled through this time has almost overwhelmed me at times. I love your description of the little lamp that provides “just enough” light to keep going. God is truly faithful to provide all the light we need to get to the other side of that valley of darkness, and I am learning to daily look for those moments of light that He gracefully provides. Thank you for sharing this; it has been a timely reminder for me and a balm for my battered-but-healing heart.

    • Anonymous says

      Oh Marleah, I know it seems sometimes like your heart just isn’t healing…and I have been through the times of feeling okay and then it hitting me like a big wave again. I will pray for you. Blessings to you.

  26. Heather says

    Thank you for sharing Ruth. I had a miscarriage in August of this year, it was my first pregnancy. By the grace of God I am making it through. I shared my story on my blog as well. golden-reflections.blogspot.com

  27. Susie says

    Umbrella Ministries is a non-denominational ministry, with the sole mission to offer comfort, hope, and encouragement to mothers who have suffered the loss of a child. We offer support to bereaved mothers by:

    * Providing them with a safe place to work through the grief process by encouraging them to share their feelings and to trust in God for comfort, peace and hope.
    * Providing an opportunity for them to talk about their children through care and share groups and to turn their loss into a ministry of helping others.
    * Providing a quarterly newsletter with articles of encouragement.

    http://www.umbrellaministries.com

  28. Crystal says

    Beautiful and inspiring post, Ruth! I can empathize as I too have lost that many babies (4 miscarriages, 1 ectopic) between five other normal pregnancies. I was reminded the other day that just as David said in 2 Sam. 12:23b, “…I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”, we will see our lost children and know them in Heaven. I just came across this quote by J. Vernon McGee which I love, “”I believe with all my heart that God will raise the little ones such that the mother’s arms who have ached for them will have the opportunity of holding them. The father’s hand which never held the little hand will be given the privilege. I believe that little ones will grow up in heaven in the care of their earthly parents if they are saved.” God bless!

  29. Anonymous says

    Heidi thank you for your kind words and for sharing the site you put together. What a blessing it must be to so many women. Blessings to you.

  30. Borneowife says

    Ruth. Thanks for sharing your story and your heart. Beautifully written. Your analogy of the lamp will stay with me a long time. I recently lost a nephew born at 22 weeks to live only a half hour. And through other hard things, I continue to learn to trust God through pain.

  31. Shana says

    Thank you so much for sharing. I also have 4 beautiful babies but have been pregnant 10 times. I have had 1 stillborn, 4 early miscarriages and 1 ectopic. No one really understands the scarring. Maybe they feel since I have 4 children that it lessons the hurt. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know. Trying to learn to Trust when things don’t make sense in my mind.

  32. Emily says

    I’ve had three miscarriages in a row with no children born to me in this world. I take joy in the fact that I will see them again in heaven.

    Thank you for writing such an encouraging post.

  33. Liz says

    thank you so much for sharing your heart and struggle. this is my first time visiting your blog. i loved it right away. wonderful post about a difficult subject. thank you!

  34. Ro elliott says

    I know this pain…….I was told I may never conceive…God has shown me great mercy…5 I have held…4 only Jesus has held…yes…all part of what has molded me today…
    blessings…

  35. says

    Ruth, I agree with you that what you describe IS you, it is not another side of you.

    My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Altho’ severely disappointed, I knew it was not uncommon and soon became pregnant again. That pregnancy ended in an 8 month+ stillborn baby girl. It was a shock…as I’m sure that type of thing normally is.
    From then on, my pregnancies…and those of my daughters since, have been touched by fear in ways I expected. It is like the loss of innocence in a way. Until we have lost a child, we know intellectually that it can happen, but somehow we just don’t think it will happen to us!
    For certain, once that baby was born and screamed her first breath (we had all girls!), there was a relief and gratefulness that came over us that was very hard to describe! It was beyond joy. We were thankful that God had graced us with this life.

  36. Toni Raquet says

    Like so many have posted on here, I, too, have experienced this heartache. I have 2 babies in heaven that I look forward to meeting one day. But, I also have 5 crazy kids that I homeschool & that keep my life full. It is very hard to go through those “Why, God?” moments, & especially when it feels He doesn’t answer. But if we ‘bend’ with those times, even when we think we will ‘break,’ He walks with us & is always working in our lives.

  37. Jane says

    I have twins in heaven. Born eleven days apart at 20 and 22 weeks. One day I will hear their voice calling to me. I believe that God takes the junk and ashes that the enemy means for despair and defeat, and makes beauty to glorify God’s name here on earth.

    I have 2 children now on earth and 2 in heaven. Torn between the two places, I know our lives will be complete when we see Jesus face to face.

    My heart aches for your loss. I am thankful you have turned it into a ministry that only God can anoint. It is refreshing to finally meet a Christian through Pinterest. So many have been Mormon or some other religion. The truth shall set us free.

    God bless you, Ruth. I look forward to meeting you someday. Perhaps we will wait together as our children run to meet us for the first time on the other side. :)

    Blessings to you,
    Jane

  38. joyfilled says

    Thank you for sharing your heart.

    In November/December, I just went through my 6th loss (and this one was my latest, at 10 weeks) and I am still struggling with it. This time was the most difficult for me because after 3 early losses in 2010 (my first two losses were prior to my first child), I HAD come to the place of having a very strong faith no matter what happens. And then, only to get nearly into my 2nd trimester of believing everything was okay (even feeling baby move), I discovered no heartbeat. To make things worse, just over 2 weeks later I went through actual labor to birth the sac. It was the most physically and emotionally painful thing I’d ever gone through. And as always, I have grieved alone for the most part. Other than my $1,000 of bills for my ultrasound and bloodwork, and the bag full of positive pregnancy tests, no one ever “experienced” my pregnancy with me, so it was hard for them to see it as real. My babies are so very real to me from the moment I know he or she is there.

    It’s a hard place to be in, wondering why God allows me to get pregnant but it’s not His will for me to keep those babies. It’s difficult for me to have so many friends who, like myself, desperately want all their babies, yet they have never endured loss- not because I want them to, but because I am desperate for their true understanding (though unfortunately, it only COMES with loss). I wonder why I’m different.

    As far as my future goes, I am working so hard on coming to terms (and understanding) with knowing God CAN, but that doesn’t mean He always WILL…and also having faith withOUT doubts. I can easily make sense of both truths individually, but together is another thing. For me it’s VERY hard to put the two together, because my way of protecting myself from hurting so badly if it happens again is very clearly reminding myself that it may not be His will, yet that often comes through as doubt on the part of my faith. So obviously it’s hard.

    I have 3 young children that I love dearly and I know I am more grateful for them than ever, and there is a gratitude that comes with loss that I wouldn’t know otherwise. I know the Lord has certainly molded me through my losses, and occasionally He has used me to help others through that time of pain in their lives (because let’s face it, it takes someone else who’s gone through miscarriage to really understand the pain). But I hope and pray that I will be able to carry a child again one day and at the end of my 40 weeks, I will be able to hold that baby- healthy and happy- in my arms. It scares me to think that might never happen again. My heart is so far from being biologically done.

    • Joyfilled says

      Since I posted this comment, I have experienced another (my 7th) loss, and it also was a very unexpected ectopic, and I lost my tube in emergency surgery. (it was one of those very rare situations where it took everyone by surprise, so part of me just thinks that, for some reason, this was God’s plan for me. Because 1) we shouldn’t have even conceived that cycle- we were trying to wait a bit after my later miscarriage and then I ovulated EXTREMELY early which hasn’t happened in 9 years!!!!, 2) my ultrasound at almost 7 weeks showed my uterus and tubes completely clear, 3) my levels dropped perfectly for a normal miscarriage- over 50% initially, which isn’t common for ectopics, 4) I bled like a normal miscarriage for a week, 5) it wasn’t until 2 weeks later that I felt ANY pain, and 6) the pain wasn’t anything like what is expected for an ectopic- I thought I had a bad urinary tract infection. So yeah…”technically” it “shouldn’t” have been ectopic…)

      God has been faithful in sustaining me through this journey though. Amazingly, with His protection, I have fared better this time than after some of my earlier, less dramatic losses, and I haven’t even stressed much over the thousands of dollars in bills we have now acquired, which is a testimony in itself. But since God allowed this to happen, and knowing He works all things together for good, I have been able to hold on to hope. I TRY to keep hoping that there is still a chance for us to have more children in the future, but most of all, I just have a peace about things, that no matter what, I will be okay.

      I HAVE struggled a lot, however, with the realization that giving our family size up to God may very well mean we are NOT going to be like everyone else I know who’s done the same. I guess it never really occurred to me that by doing so, we might have fewer children, rather than more. It seems to be more common for families who let the Lord do the planning to have a LOT of children…and I guess I’m just on the other side of that. I wish I would have been more aware of that possibility…but you just rarely hear about that end of it, you know? I mean, I know there are plenty of families out there who have no children or have had as many (or more) losses as myself, but generally, when you hear of a family who doesn’t use birth control or has given their family planning up to God or considers themselves “quiverful”, they have quite a few little ones, often close together.

      • Silver Wink says

        I am so sad to hear of your losses. I have had 3my babies lost in the first trimester. After the 3rd, the Lord led me to a doctor who eventually diagnosed me as not producing progesterone. Progesterone is what sustains a baby in the first trimester until the placenta and umbilical cord are in place and working. Anyway, I just felt I should share this with you in case it is something that you haven’t explored with your doctors. Also, to get an accurate picture of your progesterone levels, you must take finger prick blood test or saliva test. A one time traditional blood draw does not give an accurate picture of your hormone levels. After using natural supplements, God allowed them to work so I could carry a baby through that first trimester. I hope you will get to hold another baby on this side of heaven!

  39. Ulrika says

    A mother’s longing for children is so strong! Due to health problems we had to wait for almost 4 years from when we started to want children NOW until we could actually start trying to conceive. When we finally were ready we were blessed with conceiving on the very first try. When our son was almost one year old we decided to start trying for a second child and this time my body needed more time. It took 4 cycles of trying and on the 4th try we conceived so if all goes well we will welcome another baby boy in April. 4 cycles is still considered pretty fast but I am surrounded by women pretty much always conceiving on the first try so I did find it hard. It was the hardest the first time. I felt pregnant and was quite sure I was but then the pregnancy test was negative and the period came on time. So I don’t know if I were ever really pregnant but it still felt with that negative test as if I had lost a child. The next few cycles I was disappointed but out of self preservation I tried my best to be a little less “involved” emotionally until I actually knew I was pregnant. Then the absolute joy when it happened! (And then of course all sorts of worries that I still feel now that I am almost 24 weeks along. I was calmer the first time, but I know every pregnancy is different and we’re differently affected by hormones et.c. every time…)

    I really believe children are first conceived in our hearts and that’s what makes it so difficult when it doesn’t happen. Because it may seem completely irrational to grieve a baby that you never even know if it ever existed apart from in your heart and yet that is how strong this longing can be.

  40. Mkrile says

    Hi Ruth, I just read this page, though you wrote is last yr. I weep w/ you at your experience of so many losses. I am inspired by your testimony of how you keep your focus and trust in our loving and all knowing Creator. I had a miscarriage only last summer, at 7 wks along. Yes, a mom’s heart is bonded strongly to her baby’s, which is bonded to God’s. In my grieving process, I wrote a poem titled, “Mama’s Lulla-Bye” which I’d like to share with you, if that’s ok. Just let me know.

  41. Kelly says

    Precious story that I think everyone can relate to with some sort of loss in their lives! God bless you for the courage and encouragement you share with all of us today! I’m blessed to have run across it today!

  42. Jessica says

    We lost a boy at 14 weeks between my son who is 4 and my daughter who is 2. I am almost 33 weeks along with another boy and not a day goes by that I don’t think about our sweet Adam. I trust God for His timing with this pregnancy and try not to take it for granted, but know that this one, Simeon, is here for however long the Lord grants him life. Just like the rest of us.

  43. Alana says

    I have 5 babies I will meet in heaven one day! I think about them almost every day…and I long for the day I can meet each one! Thanks for sharing! God bless!

  44. says

    Thank you for this – it truly is a comfort. I have two precious little ones waiting for me in Heaven. One that I carried for 10 weeks, and one that I carried for 15 weeks. God in His mercy allowed me to carry my daughter to full term (and then some!), and she is now nearing 3 years old, and truly is a joy and delight to us! Some friends of friends lost their 2 year old this week in a tragic home accident, and this was comforting to read as we and moreso those around us are ministering to them. Thank you.

  45. Bcfivi says

    Its so amazing how God manages to put just what we need at the very time we need it. I sometimes get so caught up in the bad things and disappointments that I fail to see the real picture and the end result. God is working through you and I feel blessed to have found this website!

  46. says

    I just stumbled across this post while reading your “about me” page. I’ve been through one loss, months upon months of infertility, and am now 22 weeks pregnant with a little girl. We are so, so thrilled, and feel so incredibly blessed. But, you’re absolutely right, that “other side of me” is still just me… and, I’m working on turning my trials into my testimony. God is good. :)

    Thanks so much for sharing this post!!

  47. says

    Hi I come here all the time but this is the first time I have read this. I am blessed to know you have suffered so much loss yet continue to have unshakable faith. I have to say giving birth to our 6th child at 20 weeks has been the trial of my life. I think being a pastors wife adds to the loneliness. Thanks for sharing openly and honestly. Are there other post on grieving or loss?

  48. C.A. says

    Your words, and the encouragement God has given me from them are extremely helpful right now.
    I have many children, but have lost 5 ( 11 1/2wks, 5wks, 8wks, 5 1/2wks, and 13 1/2 wks). The first and last miscarriages ended in me hemorrhaging and almost dying.

    They have all been terribly difficult to go through. When I got home from the 1st one 2 dear friends came over with a meal and to visit a little. One of them said, “Welcome to the Ministry.” I didn’t understand. When she was finished explaining that I could now minister to others who had experienced a miscarriage I was ANGRY. I DIDN’T want any part of that Ministry. But….as God usually does, He has used my experiences to minister to and comfort a few friends as they also experienced this heartache. His ways are always GOOD! I just wish I could SEE it better.

    No one knows yet, but I am now 4 weeks pregnant. ! ! ! ! I am excited, sort of. But mostly I am terrified of possibly loosing another one and all the emotional pain (possibly physical, too) involved. I thought God had finished blessing us. I had just gotten “ok” with that thought. NOW…. I’m trying to cope. I WANT this child so, so, so, so bad. I am trying desperately to trust HIM.

    I am going to look for a tiny oil lamp like in your picture. I’m not even sure I can SEE with that much light. Maybe that will make me rely on HIM more. Hmmmm.

    Thank you for sharing. I will be praying for you.

  49. Lindsey M Bell says

    Thank you for sharing your story. I have lost three babies, and it is so hard. Still-even at a year out.

  50. Alyssa says

    I know this was written several months ago, but I found it today in “God’s perfect timing.” My beautiful baby girl, Noel, was stillborn April 2, 2011. The questions and fears came especially when I found out Feb. 2012 that I was pregnant again. Sadly, I miscarried at 15 weeks. We know now, that this baby too was a girl; we named her Natalie. The questions come, especially the “what if’s” and “why’s”. I know God is good, faithful, and soverign, but I also know none of that guarantees me a life free from the evil’s of this world….Thank you for sharing your heart and letting me know, I’m not alone…..

  51. Mkrile says

    Hi Ruth, I was ministered to 3 months ago when I read this about your struggle and faith through your miscarriages. Yes, in our weakness He is strong! When I read this (My 1st comment is a ways below), I wanted to share my poem that I wrote after my miscarriage a yr ago, almost to the day. But I wanted your permission, Ruth. I had subscribed to receive an email with every new comment here after mine. I noticed there has continued to be so many mothers touched by your story. And I kept wishing I had sahred my poem. Well, I hope it is okay, here is my poem, Mommy’s Lulla-Bye…
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Mommy’s Lulla-Bye
    © 2011 Michele Vidor Krile

    Oh, my mama dear,
    How I wish you were here
    Then you wouldn’t shed such tears

    I’m in our Creator’s keep
    You know, He has seen you weep
    Let Him sing your sorrow to sleep

    Oh, the angels rejoice
    As the sound of my voice
    Praises the Lord, I am whole
    Let that soothe your soul

    Let the Answer to every prayer,
    The comfort every tear,
    And calm every fear,
    Let Jesus sing over your soul

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    Little baby daughter, or little baby son
    Knowing you are with the Father to stay
    Is a lullaby-bye to my saddened heart,
    And lulls my anxiousness away

    I offered you back, my little one
    Offered you back to the Lord
    Sovereign is He, of this I am sure
    Even when I don’t understand

    When I wonder “Why?” and
    When I wonder “How?”
    I hear a lullaby
    I know firmer even now

    All the unborn who pass away, you see
    Like those under the age of accountability
    Slip into His hand and can never be lost
    All trusting hearts will meet again

    The Holy Spirit pours over me lullabies
    A healing balm, comforting my soul,
    Making me more whole
    Like you now are, My little lullaby

    • Mkrile says

      Sorry for the typos. I should have read it through before I posted, and spell checked my poem I just revised. :-)

  52. says

    I just found your blog and am enjoying it so much. I am the mother of nine children and had no miscarriages …. until our #10, #11, #12, #13, and #14 babies. All of those little ones were conceived after I turned 40. Two I lost at the 12 week mark, one at the 7 week mark, and the other two within two to three weeks after testing positive. Many people have told me that God is trying to tell me that my fertile days are over. But I just don’t imagine He works that way. Why would God put a baby in my womb, then take it away JUST to make a point? No, I think if He wanted my fertile days to be over then He would not allow me to conceive in the first place. That’s my thinking, anyway. Whether we go on to conceive again, or not, I am grateful for all I have been given. Not only do I have my nine here on earth, but I know without a doubt that five beautiful souls are waiting for me in Heaven.

  53. Ajelgatian says

    Hi Ruth,
    I too have lost five children. 4 early miscarriages and one stillborn at 20weeks. I also have five children living here with me on earth. Like you I have Adrenal Fatigue, love mochas and iced tea. If I had a sister I think she would be just like you. It has been so many years since our little ones have gone to heaven but the pain is still real, not constant, just occasional and surprising in its appearances.

  54. says

    I couldn’t get through this post without crying. I just passed my 2nd miscarriage a couple of weeks ago. It’s still fresh, with time, I trust the sting will lessen. I found blogging therapeutic and the responses of encouragement even more uplifting. Thank you for sharing this. Though this is said a lot, it does make a difference to know you are not alone. God bless!

  55. bry-uk says

    Thank you for sharing this. I have stumbled upon this at just the right time. My husband and I are currently waiting to start IUI/IVF after losing all three of our babies before 12 weeks and now we can’t seem to get pregnant at all. I know God has a plan and that He will use our story and situation for His Glory but I so need to stop seeing that part of my life as separate to me and start seeing it as an important part of our walk in life together and give God the opportunity to use our situation to help others. Thank you x

  56. DD says

    Thank you for talking about this. I get so much encouragement from this sight especially from other women who have also had miscarriages. We have had 4, the first at 5 weeks, then 4 weeks, then 8 weeks, and 10 weeks. This exactly describes what we went through as well. It’s been 11 months since my last miscarriage and they all still hurt. We have since adopted a baby and we are so blessed with her. But, I am often surprised at how much miscarriages effect me and have changed me. It’s a part I have to disconnect with sometimes in order to try to live a more “normal” life. It’s still a struggle to see sonograms, go to baby showers, and to talk to pregnant women. So, thank you for sharing your heart and pain. It’s such a comfort. I can see the Lord at work though.

  57. Missi says

    Thank you so much for this! I got pregnant at a really young age and miscarried. Even though I was able to carry on with college and things it still hurt and I felt no one understood. Once I was married and my husband and I got pregnant with our second child, I found out that we were expecting twins! Two siblings for our precious son! We found out within that same visit that the first twin may not…be. A week later it was confirmed that our first twin had miscarried. Once again I felt incomplete due to the fact that I was still blessed with the remaining baby, a precious baby girl. I did ask God why and it still hurts soo much to think about it. This post, those scriptures, though something I already knew, they really uplifted me. I see others who feel that same way and know I’m not alone.

  58. Ally says

    I really wish I could send you this privately. But I have also struggled with miscarriage and it took us two years to conceive our child we are carrying right now. Even thought our first pregnancy happened with zero problems and hiccups and we were pregnant with the first try. Finally after a year of not being able to conceive I fought with my doctors to look into my thyroid. I was considered normal and subclinical. I forced them to place me on thyroid medicine because it ran in my family. It still took a year to get my levels low enough that the endocrinologist thought I could successfully carry a baby past first trimester (even though they said I was was normal levels it was still too high for my hormones to carry a fetus….well then how was I at normal levels????) and before I would even conceive even though we were trying every single month. But finally it happened and we kept our hearts quiet of joy until that 20 week ultrasound and got to see our baby and his beating heart. Look into your thyroid. My levels bounced between 2.0-4.0….Too high to let your body and your hormones work correctly to carry a baby to term. And if I hadn’t insisted, I would be in a fertility specialist’s office trying to play God and role the dice. But SOMETHING (:-)) kept whispering at me….it’s your thyroid. I think HIM for that whisper.

  59. Esther E Hawkins says

    Ruth, my heart aches at your loss, and yet I’m inspired by your faith! I found out at my first appointment at 11 weeks that my third child had died at 6 weeks. The process of coming to terms with the loss and coming to healing was harder than I had ever imagined. Through the process, God has shown Himself as my redeemer. He had spoken to me at the beginning of that year that He was going to bring healing to my life and I saw a picture of a deep well. I felt that He was going to go deep. The loss of my child revealed a wound that He has healed. On her due date I found out that I was pregnant again. We chose the baby’s name (Keld – a family name that had become dear to me through the healing process). When I began to research the meaning of the name I found out that it means “a deep well”. I still think often of my daughter (who we named Anah Elisabeth) and will always feel the loss. I can’t wait to meet her one day and hold her but I am comforted by the work of God in my life that has been realized because of her short but precious life!

  60. Jess says

    I never thought of the Psalmist words in this way. It made my heart glad and I felt I really understood. Excellent, EXCELLENT explanation of God giving us just enough light to take the next step… It is good to mourn, but He does yearn for us to continue in this life and find joy and love again; His love is endless! Thank you for this post— our loss of our baby at 10 weeks is not as dark.

  61. Cristal says

    Thank you for sharing your very personal experiences. I can see by the comments here that you’ve been able to encourage other women.

    I don’t see anything on the site about infertility. You might want to consider looking into it. The experience is not the same as miscarriage, but it’s every bit as shattering with no sense of finality. If you start looking around, you’ll find how very common and how very secret it is. Just a suggestion.

  62. FaithCounts says

    Hi Ruth,
    My heart broke for you today as I read this. It is so hard to go through the loss of a baby. I have had two miscarriages and just 2 weeks ago a tubal pregnancy. My husband and I have been married for 22 years and we do have a 2 year old daughter from a mini-IVF but this pregnancy was our very first totally on our own. We truly believed this baby was going to make it. I totally trust God and His plan for my life but the loss is still so hard. We look forward to meeting our 7 in heaven someday (2 miscarriages 1 tubal & 4 embryos that did not result in pregnancy from our mini-IVF) May the Lord Bless you abundantly as you walk with Him in Faith and Trust everyday!
    Blessings, Lori

  63. Beverly Martin Hayhurst says

    He is with you always. While suffering through my second miscarriage, I heard the song “Turn Yours Eyes Upon Jesus” resonating through my head. I felt a peace wash over me and, even though I was hurting physically and emotionally, I knew my Jesus was there! Now, 16 years later, whenever I hear that hymn, I feel touched!

  64. Rebekah says

    I had two early miscarriages in 2001. These were before I knew the Lord. In fact, I believe He used that second loss to help bring me to the end of myself and recognize my need for Him.
    I got pregnant again in 2002, but at my 39 week check up, there was no heartbeat. I gave birth to our only daughter, knowing that she would never take that first breath. I would never hear her voice or see her eyes look into mine. It was and still is heartbreaking. I too try to hide it. Sometimes, it’s just easier that way.
    The Lord has since blessed us with 4 healthy boys, but each and every pregnancy has been clouded by “what if’s” and I always know that there is that chance that the Lord will say, “Not this time. This one needs to come home to Me.”
    It’s also hard each time, as much as I love my boys, to not have that daughter that my heart so wanted. To the world, we’re a family of boys, but I know there’s that little girl I never got to meet. It’s hard. It always will be hard. But through it all, the Lord has remained faithful. He has taught me and drawn me close through each anniversary, each wave of grief, each wave of longing. I pray He continues to do so.

  65. ellie3cstasy says

    Recently I was really, really low on money and debts were eating me from all sides! That was UNTIL I decided to make money.. on the internet. I went to surveymoneymaker dot net, and started filling in surveys for cash, and surely I’ve been far more able to pay my bills! I’m so glad, I did this.. With all the financial stress these years, I really hope all of you will give it a chance. – p8oW

  66. Kathy says

    Ruth I stumbled onto your site this morning and read your story. You are such a strong and courageous woman. Thank you for sharing your story. I don’t know if you and your doctors have thought of the possiblity of testing for a condition called Lupus Anticoagulant. It is an autoimmune disease that is implicated in miscarriage. It can be treated and should be managed if you have it. I just found out that I have it and had two early miscarriages in my childbearing years. I’m blessed with three children.

Trackbacks

  1. […] The youngest of my four children is almost five years old, and I feel as if I am finally able to breathe (a little). However, I do remember those days of exhaustion – those sleepless nights which made it a struggle just to get through the day… especially when the days included battles with strong-willed children. Like when I walked into the kitchen to find my oldest daughter carefully pouring a thin stream of lemonade. In an artful line.  Around the ENTIRE. PERIMETER. of the kitchen FLOOR. Or when this same child would stand at the point where the hardwood floor and the carpet met, one foot in the kitchen and the other in the dining room (where food was forbidden), holding a glass of juice over the carpet, pushing herself (and me!) to the very edge of insanity. Yes… moments such as these blurred into the next and into the next… and suddenly days and weeks had passed in a hazy fog. Needless to say, I was definitely a physically weary mom.  Adding to the fatigue was the emotionally taxing devastation of pregnancies followed by miscarriages… five times! […]

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