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I Am My Beloved's

When I was young I watched someone do something I did not approve of.  I told my mother:  "I'll never do that." My mom wisely responded:  "Don't judge until you've been there."

I scoffed.  I was young and full of knowledge.  In fact, I probably knew it all.

Life has taught me otherwise.  I am almost constantly reminded of that conversation and my mother's wise words.

IMG_0630My extensive knowledge was directly challenged the moment I married and had children.

I managed to keep it together after #1.  Then #2.  When I got to my third boy I wasn't so sure.  I wavered a bit.  Beds went unmade.  Bathrooms were not always clean.

Then I pulled myself back together.

Fourth baby.  This was a bit rougher.  I remember trying to get everyone out the door for some errands after my mom left and my husband went back to work.  I was changing the baby's diaper, getting shoes on the toddler, and directing my "big" boys and I thought:  this is a lot of people.

I became pregnant with my fifth baby and everything went to pot.  My husband worked nights, which meant he left the house at around 4, right around the time I could no longer function.  I served a lot of cereal and mac'n'cheese over those few months.

What have I learned from having these children of mine?

  • I'm good at blaming my emotions on other people.
  • My plans are nice, but they're not what's going to happen most of the time.
  • Rules and schedules and routines make me feel secure, they don't make me lean on Jesus.
  • Children bring me out of my innate selfishness and teach me oh-so-much about the love of God.

Most days I struggle with anger and frustration.  Most days I struggle with finding my identity in being a Good Mom and Getting the Laundry Folded.  I struggle with letting my children be their own people - not extensions of me.  I fight the contrast of what I thought mothering entailed with what I am now as a mother.

Things have turned out a lot differently than I planned.  My mother's words come back to me:  don't judge until you've been there.

Yes, mom, you're so right.

I never could have guessed what having 5 children would mean.  I never could have guessed that the downturn in the economy would mean the end of a business and a job for my husband.  That years of figuring out what was next would engulf us.  I couldn't have guessed that our marriage would suffer huge setbacks, or what those setbacks would be.

Without this marriage and these five sweet children I would have no idea:

  • how to eat while the volume in a room of seven people actually exceeds the levels at most rock concerts
  • that night-time hours rocking babies can be the sweetest hours ever known (but not always)
  • how easy it is to look at the ways I've failed and forget the things I've done right
  • what surrender means - my plans versus God's plans
  • how to address my frustrations and anger and give them over to God
  • that my identity is in God, not my plans or my actions or my choices - not my husband or my children or anything they do.
  • and most importantly

I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine. Song of Solomon 6:3

I would have no idea what it means to lean on God as my beloved, and the acceptance I find in being His.


Me and Kids Mother's DayBlessings,

Christy Halsell

This post is a part of our “Who We Are” Series. For all posts visit,

“Who We Are: The Stories Behind TBM Writers”

Who We Are at The Better Mom

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