I did that thing they told me not to.
I blinked. And today I don't have anyone to eat lunch with. I’ve had thirteen years of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Apple slices and peanut butter. Peaches and grilled cheese. Half glasses of milk.
Now what? It’s just me.
And it’s so quiet.
I'll just slice a tomato. There it is. Toss a little salt and call it good.
Then, a few tears.
They're mostly happy tears, really. These children are growing into bigger, deeper, even lovelier people, and it’s a glamorous gift to behold. I’m buying bigger shoes and shirts; they’re asking deeper questions; I peer into still lovely eyes and hearts. It’s an amazing blessing to nurture and love and feed. The journey of parenting presents a love so deep and provides rebound love beyond concept for pre-parenting imagination.
And, I blinked.
What if I hadn't blinked? What if I'd kept my eyes wide open - never blinking, obeying the grocery aisle sages who said, "Don't do it!" Well, they’d grow anyway, which is the blessing and curse of it. Their growth journey doesn’t depend on my will to control their smallness or their dependence on me. Time is a roller. You’ve can either get on board and enjoy the ride or get out of the way because she ain’t stopping.
I want them strong, able to stand, reach, and achieve. I want them to thrive with joy, grace and mercy. The prayer has always been, Lord, equip her with all she needs to become the woman you’d have her be. So, He’s doing that. He’s, even now, answering that often prayed prayer in unimaginable ways. He’s leading, blessing, and equipping. He’s creating something beautiful for His kingdom through their development and growth, and I’m crying on my tomato.
Yes, I am. Because some of those tears aren't happy; some of them are a little lonesome and sad.
And it's okay.
Sometimes middle ground is the place that's just right. Yes, I am grateful to see what the Father’s doing in their lives. And, yes; I am sad about my children's littleness becoming a thing of yesterday. I like my children and enjoy having them around. This does not mean I’ve always liked every minute of every day. I did not like it when they whined or pulled each other’s hair. I did not like it when they disobeyed.
But, I do like them, and I enjoyed our shared lunch time.
Glory be for grace. I’m discovering the important of giving and receiving grace in and throughout each stage of life. Grace gives permission to move ahead with joy. It’s too easy, in our humanness, to get bogged down with regret, disorder, control, and sadness. So, Jesus pours His grace freely into our open, waiting, needy hands. He refreshes our souls, and leads us forward.
So, I'll eat my lunch. My silly, tear-soaked tomato. And I'll spend some time with my Father. I will thank Him for lavishing me with the glorious, growing gifts He's generously placed in my life. I’ll thank Him for being my steadfast companion.
And I will thank Him for grace.
M.D. Bronson is mother to four daughters, sister to the Savior, and daughter of the King. She loves authenticity, her fanny pack, digging in dirt, sharp pencils, and watching her Father’s hand spin Life in and around her. Oh, and words. She loves words. You can find her blog @ www.mdbronson.com or follow on Facebook @ www.facebook.com/mdellabronson.