It seems as though we're all set for the week ahead. I've got all my organic, pesticide-free produce bought, washed and chopped, ready for lunches. My kids' chore chart is hung, with age-approriate chores for each of my children to do each day this week. We've got our Awana memory verses placed in strategic areas throughout our home, and our Bible on CD ready to go in the car. I'm all set to lead the PTA meeting at school, head our Ladies' Ministry Committee at church, and I think I can finally get around to making those homemade vitamins this week, too. My workouts are all scheduled into my fitness tracker and I've got the sitter all set for the fancy surprise date with a cool theme for hubby and I's date night this week.
So, it looks like we've got things pretty well under control, You and I. Only...
I hesitate to bring this up because You've been so good to me, to us.
It's just...it's not enough. Wait, wait, I don't mean that how it sounds, Lord. Really.
I mean, I've got a wonderful husband, amazing children who really are the most adorable ever. I've got wonderful ministry activities through which I get to see other people get to know You. I have everything I've ever wanted; pretty much everything I've ever asked you for.
So why do I still feel so...empty?
I really do want to have a deep, intimate relationship with You. I do long, deep down, to know You more; to see Your glory. I want to want a burning passion for You and for what burdens Your heart.
I guess, when it really comes down to it, I'm scared. I'm scared to ask You for that - for a deeper passion for You; for a thirst that won't soon be quenched - because I'm afraid of what it will take to get there.
You see, even though we have our bad days, and some hard seasons now and then, my life is really quite comfortable. It's easy to trust You and...as much as I hate to say it, it's easy to forget...that You're there.
I'm afraid that the way to that deeper passion for You, that burning desire for more of You, is going to be cancer. Or Conflict. Or the death of a loved one. I'm scared that I won't be able to fully recognize the true brilliance of Your glory until all the other lights go out, and I'm left in the pitch black.
I believe, Lord...help my unbelief!
I want You to be more important than my to-do list; than my hobbies; than my...image.
I've been trying to do it all, and be it all, to fill the gap for far too long, God. My head knows You are the Only One who can truly fill my soul and show me who I really am. Help my heart to know it; to live it.
I don't need to be Super-Mom anymore, God. Help me, instead, to be a super-daughter, as it were. To sit at Your feet, willing to wait until you speak. To move and act and speak only out of the overflow of Your Spirit in me. Give me an unstoppable desire to seek Your face, to know Your heart, to know and love You. Because even though it might hurt, it might stretch, it might be the scariest thing I've ever done, I know that everything else will fall into place because You are the best reward, the greatest Treasure, and the most tender and loving Father.
I don't need to be afraid if I'm with You, and I don't want to get by on just enough of You anymore. So, God...show me Your glory.