Learning to let go.
Something that we hear often and practice regularly when trying to live a life bent to Jesus. But it's hard. Not just sometimes, but all the time. And of all the times I have learned to let go and all the times I will in the future, it's in the present day that my momma heart is being broken in two.
Why? Because right now I am learning to let go of some difficult things our oldest child, my beautiful Hannah, has been experiencing in life. Those hard life lessons that happen to those (like Hannah) who are a breath of fresh air in this fallen world.
I am sharing a candid letter I wrote to my baby girl just last week with all of you. Friends, I pray that this letter will encourage someone who is going through this exact thing, right now. While it is so hard to see our babies hurting, we have to learn to let go.
Words cannot properly express the love I felt for you the moment I realized your life was forming in my womb. I will never forget the time we spent together as God was molding your life right inside of mine. I will never forget the moment that I realized how His love was being multiplied in the physical presence of your tiny growing body - a creation of love between Father and child - husband and wife - mother and daughter. It was during this time of extreme joy and life creating inside of me that God gently reminded me that you were His, and I needed to learn to let go.
But how? How could I begin to let go of something that I loved so very much? Something that I couldn't even see yet? How could I let go of the one thing that symbolized the ultimate union of God and man, husband and wife? How?
I'll never forget when God gave me this scripture as I was praying to Him through my tears, trying desperately to understand what exactly He was asking me to do:
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. (Matthew 10:37 KJV)
It was in these words that I meditated on day and night He told me just what letting go really is. Letting go is trusting that God will always love you more than I do. Letting go is allowing Him to teach me how to parent you as unto Him. Letting go is trusting that in His sovereign creation of you that He ultimately knows what you need and how to provide it for you. Letting go is realizing that I didn't know how to give nor receive love until He loved me first. Letting go is allowing God to be first in my life so that His love may flow through me - not only to you - but to everyone He desires to put in my path. Letting go is the ultimate obedience I can display in a life bent towards Him, recognizing Him as the Supreme authority in my life, showing you who He is, ultimately leading you to Him.
And while these words are easy to write, they are not as easy to do. I try my best to live a life bent to Christ, but I fail. But in His goodness and mercy, He forgives me. Not because I am good, but because He is good, and because I let go. I let it all go to follow Him. This, my dear Hannah is what it's all about. No matter how much it hurts my momma heart as He is asking me to release you with even more depth into His trusting hand - I have learned to let go. That which I let go, my faithful Father will sustain in His mighty hand, giving me a peace that cannot be earned nor purchased. But only the simple (but oh so hard) act of letting go can produce this peace I have in my heart as I watch you grow and blossom into the beautiful light that you are.
And while you've been deeply hurt by the lies of the enemy and cut by those who are unaware of your Father's truth, I am learning to let go. I let go of the anger and judgement and ugly words that try to fill my heart and mind. I let go of the lie that no one loves you as much as I do - because there is One who loves you even more. I will always be your advocate, my dear Hannah, but more importantly I will do my very best each day to let you go and release you into His hand that ultimately leads to His plan for your life. Because I love you. I love you so much that I am willing to give you to Him, over and over again. Let Him be your comfort during these hard times. Yes, I am here for you and will hold you and pray for you and love you. But the very best thing I can do for you? Is let go.
Loving you through His sustaining grace, Your Very Grateful Mom
I am praying for you right now, dear momma, the one who has a heavy heart as she learns in every season of life to let go. I know that it isn't easy, and I want you to know that I care about you and am praying for you. My heart is aligned with yours and we're in this together. Let's continue to give it all to Jesus, the center of our hope and anchor of our salvation!