Sheila is a Christian speaker, columnist, and author. She's written five books, including The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. She loves speaking about marriage, parenting, and keeping our eyes on Jesus. She lives in Ontario, Canada, with her husband of 20 years and her two daughters, whom she homeschools. She also blogs every day at To Love Honor and Vacuum.
It’s 11:15. You’re in bed beside your husband when the nightly monologue in your head starts anew:
“Is he asleep yet? I wonder if he’s waiting to see if I’ll have sex. Do I want to have sex? I’m awfully tired. But I’ll feel guilty if I don’t. Okay, I need to get up by 6:30. That’s 7 hours and 15 minutes. If we had sex right now, how long would it take?”
As your conversation with yourself continues, you realize that if you had jumped your husband in the first place, you’d have been asleep by now!
Sex and motherhood don’t always seem to go together. We’re exhausted, we have people hanging on us all day, and we desperately want some time to ourselves. Many of us would much prefer a bubble bath—alone—with chocolate.
I understand. But when I took surveys for my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that the women who made love the most tended to also be the happiest in their relationships. Those who put off making love because they were “too tired” tended to feel quite distant from their husbands.
It’s easy to blame our husbands for this. “If he just accepted me and helped me and loved me whether or not we had sex, we’d have a better marriage!” Yet that’s not being fair. We women need to feel loved to make love. Men tend to make love to feel loved. It’s easily a recipe for disaster! But perhaps there’s a way out.
Too often we equate sex with something that is only physical. We make love so that he’s not “so desperate”. But what if sex is supposed to connect us intimately, on all levels? God designed sex so that it would connect us emotionally and spiritually, and not just physically. And when we put off sex, one of the reasons we start feeling badly about our relationship is that we feel like something’s missing. And that missing ingredient is intimacy.
So how do we get it back?
Understand Your Own Libido
In movies, the couple always falls into bed while ripping each other’s clothes off. Both are obviously aroused.
But that’s not how most women work. Rosemary Basson, from the University of British Columbia, found that in women desire is usually a product of making love, not the cause of it. In other words, most women don’t start out making love “in the mood”. They get in the mood because they decide to throw themselves into it, and once they start, their bodies catch up.
Sex Makes You Less Tired
When you’re exhausted and run down from caring for kids, sex is often one of the best cures. When you make love, you sleep better! You fall asleep faster and your sleep is more productive. So spending fifteen minutes being more active with your husband, even if you’re tired, will help you feel more rested.
Sex Boosts Your Companionship
Finally, the more intimate we feel with our husbands, the better we’ll feel about ourselves and our marriages. Our marriage is the rock that lets us be good parents. And once you’re a parent, your marriage matters more, not less, because now other people are counting on you!
Sometimes we’re just exhausted. Sometimes sex doesn’t feel that great, and we wonder what all the fuss is about. That’s okay; with time, sex tends to get better! But the more that you pursue intimacy on all levels, the more energy you’ll have and the better parent you’ll be.
So tonight, don’t wait for that monologue in your head to end. Just jump in!
Sheila's book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is about recognizing what God really designed sex for, and then learning how to reap all of these benefits and joyfully enjoy your husband. Frank and contemporary, The Good Girls' Guide to Great Sex will give the newly engaged and new brides---and some veteran wives---a Christian resource to answer their most intimate, and embarrassing, questions. In a conversational style, with lots of humorous anecdotes, the book will show that sex isn't just physical: it's also an emotional and spiritual experience. To purchase your own copy of this book you can order now at Amazon.
Also, today is the last day to enter "The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex" sweepstakes for $1000 towards your first or second honeymoon. Participants can enter at Sheila's Facebook page by clicking "Trivia".