Nothing to Say

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The blank screen stares at me. Glaring. Taunting. Daring me to start typing; the cursor flashing impatiently like a foot tapping in annoyance. Desperately I search my mind, my heart, for something. Anything. Silent prayers for inspiration have been offered up in such quick succession it seems they are stacked and scattered about the ceiling, waiting their turn to be ushered into the Throne Room. Fingers begin to type. Then stop. Backspace. Type. Backspace. Finally, I close the computer with the realization – and admission – I had been unwilling to make: I have nothing to say.

A blank canvas sits in front of me. Pure. Clean. Willing me to start painting; begging for direction, application. The heart of my child cries out with eyes wide, ears open.

Mommy, if God sees the children who have to sleep on the street and have no toys or food or anything, and He loves them, why doesn’t He help them?

 Mommy, why doesn’t Julie have a daddy?

 Mommy, no one will play with me at recess and I have to eat lunch by myself. I’m so lonely. Why doesn’t anyone like me?

 I start to speak. Then stop. Hem and haw. Stutter. Sigh. Desperately seeking something to say, some answer to give to ease the hurt; the doubt; the confusion. Panic grips my heart and steals my voice when I realize:

I have nothing to say.

There is nothing in me to answer the hard questions. Nothing good in me to offer my children, my husband, my neighbors. On my knees face I cry out to my Father asking, begging with eyes clenched and ears ringing but open:

Daddy, You see those children, why don’t You help??

“Anyone who sets himself up as 'religious' by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.” James 1:26-27, (The Message) I want to help them through you.

Daddy, what about all these broken homes? I don’t understand.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing" Psalm 68:5-6a I will be their Father, and their Mother. I will care for those who are Mine.

Daddy, my son is so lonely and I’m helpless to do anything. I can’t stand by and watch him suffer like this.

"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24 Lead him to me. I will never leave him; let me show him he is never truly alone. But know that not all suffering is in vain.

I dry my eyes, filled with a renewed sense of peace and, for the first time in a long time, hope. Yes, it’s true, I have nothing to say. But thanks be to God, because He’s already said it all.

Photo Credit

Jennifer Deibel

Jennifer is your typical American wife and mother living life, raising kids, and working. After nearly a decade overseas living in Ireland and Austria, her family is starting their new life right back here in the good ole U. S. of A. She has been married to the love of her life, Seth, since 2000 and is extremely blessed to be mom to two delightful girls, and one hilarious little boy. She has a deep interest in creative family worship, marriage enrichment, and the art of figuring out unfamiliar grocery stores in foreign languages. Jennifer passionately loves the Lord, her family, music, dance, writing and chocolate - though quite honestly not always in that order. She believes this world needs more women who stick together, so let's connect and walk this road side by side! You can find Jennifer where she blogs at This Gal's Journey, on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.