behavior in children

Reaching Through to the Hearts of Our Children

May 14, 2013 By Lisa Jacobson

More than anything else, it’s what I care about. Their little hearts.

It’s what matters most to me as their mom. Sure, I want them to behave, to learn all they can, and to live meaningful lives. But where are their hearts? That’s what I really want to know.

And what does a mama do to minister in those deeper places?

Lately, I’ve been talking this over with our older children (does the word “child” even apply to a 17 or 19 year-old?) and asking them what touched their hearts when they were younger. What helped them connect when they were struggling, or when we were in a tough season. What’s kept our hearts tied together through it all?

Of course, there’s no formula. No 5-Step Program. It’s a Holy Spirit thing and by the grace of God. Along with a whole lot of love, patience and persistence on the parent’s part.

So then how does a mama go about reaching her child’s heart?

Ask God for wisdom. Okay, I say “ask”, but I’ve been known to literally cry out to Him, desperately seeking His light on a situation. It seems often it’s in the wee hours of the night when He’s revealed the Real Issue underlying a certain behavior or serious concern. At other times He has simply shown what the next step should be. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God (James 1:5a).

Make your child’s heart the highest priority. Above our schedule, activities, and even other ministries. Hearts do not become hardened overnight – this only happens over time – so keep a close watch that they remain tender and open. This also means that we can’t be so busy that we’re unable to see what’s going on, or have the time to do anything about it. Parenting takes TIME. Tons of it. Keep your heart with all diligence (Prov.4:23a).

Listen carefully. Sometimes as parents, we get too caught up in the talking. Lecturing. Teaching. But it’s good to remember that listening says a whole bunch too. Listening says, “I love you and I care.” Even if our child is off-track, this might be the chance to identify where there’s been a mistake (yours or theirs) or just a plain bad attitude. After we’ve heard them out, then we can lovingly correct where necessary. Let every man (or mama) be swift to hear (James 1:19a).

Point them to the truth. As parents, we are to be truth-tellers. We have the responsibility to gently lead them to what is good and right. It’s not about our “rules” or “preferences” or “expectations”, but a matter of grounding their hearts in the truth. Teach them to love God’s Word and to look to the Savior for the answers. Trust in The Lord with all your heart (Prov.3:5a).

Accept that it’s a process. We can easily fall into thinking that how it is now – is how it will always be. Not so! That’s the voice of the Enemy seeking to discourage. She’s having troubles with lying? Maybe today. But not forever. He’s been angry or withdrawn? Maybe today. But not forever. Patiently pursue their hearts and believe that God is the Redeemer He says He is.

After all, He’s redeemed you. And me.

Because as much as we care about our children’s hearts? More than anything else.

Our Heavenly Father cares about them far more.

Amen?

In His grace,

7 Comments | Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: behavior in children, children's hearts, motherhood

On the Lysol Days…

April 28, 2013 By Kara Chupp

Last month the principal called because a certain-someone’s-child threw up all over the entrance to the school auditorium.

And I started this post after 7 days of children with stomach-bug-fever-coughing-virus-nose-wiping.

And yes.
I fed them juice, jello, applesauce, yogurt drinks, and..
Cheetos.
Because that’s all they were keeping down.

And now I’m finishing this post a month later after we also went through a round of chicken pox (even after the vaccination).
And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one out there carrying around a tub of Lysol wipes.

It can be frustrating when schedules have to change, parties are cancelled, Bible study is missed, laundry starts to pile–
And sickness interrupts plans.

Especially my plans.

But that’s what I’m trying to learn…
What I need to learn–

“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s ‘own,’ or ‘real’ life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one’s real life — the life God is sending one day by day.”
~C.S. Lewis

I want to make the best use of each day God gives me,
“…making the best use of the time.” ~Colossians 4:5
Because He is the Sender of my days.

So when those seasons of sickness hit, how can we best use the time?

1. We can remember that the pause is a gift from God–
A time to slow down and examine where and how we are using are time, spending our moments.

2. We can reclaim the time at home for building relationships with our children–
Sometimes that will mean piles of books read aloud, or Fox in Sox read thirty times in a row (that book “is dangerous” you know).
Sometime it will be drippy popsicles and coloring books at the kitchen table.
Or mugs of hot chocolate shared while watching episodes of Word Girl.

3. We can use the time to accomplish something–
Clean out a cupboard, write a letter, email a thank you, start a new Bible study, deep-clean a bathroom, read a novel, bake some cookies, weed the garden, make a phone call of encouragement.

4. If we start to get discouraged, we can ask God for His perspective–
For global perspective. For eternal perspective. For a reminder of others who are struggling-hurting deeply.
We can ask God to take our eyes off self and to lift them back up to Him.

5. We can ask God to help us make our home a real place of shelter, solace, and comfort. We can show His love to our families.

Thank you God (and Edith Schaeffer ) for the reminder:

“What is a family? A family is a well-regulated hospital, a nursing home, a shelter in time of physical need, a place where a sick person is greeted as a sick human being and not as a machine that has a loose bolt, or a mechanical doll that no longer works– to be shoved aside because it is no more fun, nor is it useful…

For some people the memory of illness carries with it the memory of loving care, cool hands stroking the forehead, sponge baths in bed, clean sheets under a hot chin, lovely-flavored drinks, back rubs, medicine given methodically by the clock, flowers near the bed, curtains drawn when the fever is hurting the eyes, soft singing mother’s or father’s voice during a sleepless night…

When illness hits we should remember that this period of time is part of the whole of life. This is not just a non-time to be shoved aside, but a portion of time that counts…We are to recognize that to waste this time is as much a loss as wasting a time we might think of as the height of productivity.

The opportunity to do something practical about making your family remember their sickness with a feeling that yours was the “best hospital in the world” is very real, and becomes the challenge that gives purpose to some of the drudgery. It is a time when each of us can have the chance to be practical about the command in Matthew 7:12…During sicknesses we can both literally and figuratively ‘wash feet’ as we do the messy jobs that someone has to do, and then say, ‘Thank you, Lord, for giving me a glimpse of what it is all about…

…What is a family? A family is a blending of people for whom a career of making a shelter in the time of storm is worth a lifetime! Yes, it is while we are in the land of the living that the family is meant to care for each other, and to be a real shelter–”

~Edith Schaeffer What is a Family?

May God bless our families with good health, but on the days when the Lysol wipes are sitting on the kitchen counter,
May God bless us with kindness and compassion and patience and strength, so that we can show His kind of lay-down-self-love to our families.

Love,

Kara @ The Chuppies

17 Comments | Filed Under: Babies, Boys, Following God, Girls, Hope, Parenting, Toddlers, Uncategorized Tagged With: behavior in children, children, finding balance, God's Word, helping Moms who feel alone, intentional, motherhood, parenting, patience, sickness

Not the End of the Story…

February 24, 2013 By Kara Chupp

I can’t tell you the formula–

…because there isn’t one.

I can’t tell you the end of her story–

…because it’s not the end of her story yet.

This Sunday I was in the nursery.
Holding a sweet, little 10 month old.
I nearly rocked us both to sleep in one of those cozy recliners.

Usually the nursery is packed, but for some reason we had only one baby. While the rest of the crew went home, I stayed to enjoy time with a fellow nursery worker.

She told me the story of her husband’s death and how she met Jesus a few years later.
About her older son and his family.
And how her son just met Jesus.
And about her other son whose heart is not soft yet, still resistant and hard.
And about how–

It’s not the end of his story.

Today I spoke with a mentor-friend-mom who is often my go-to-spot when I need to process. She spent the weekend with her older children, away at college.
We talked about mommy-mess-ups and all the things I already know I could’ve-would’ve-should’ve done differently…
better.
And I rejoiced with her as she shared about children flown away– who are choosing God on their own.
How she can look back now and see that then–

It was not the end of their stories.

Last night I spoke with a close friend, who has children-not-choosing-Him.
The heartache and pain of seeing those so-loved-hearts turn away from the One most loved.
A daddy whose heart is hurting.
But my friend has also seen God’s redemption in a prodigal-child-redeemed.
And there’s so much hope in knowing–

It was not the end of her story.

So when this mama’s heart begins to question–
Are we doing it right– this parenting journey?
Do they really know Him?
Will Truth take hold?
When I fail in their sight and I feel I am drawing a line through my faith?

I come back to what I do know.
What I can tell you– and what I can tell myself:

I want to give God my best effort, using wisdom and biblical guidance.
I want to cling to Him for strength, aware of my own weakness.
I want to listen to the Holy Spirit and follow where He’s leading.
But parenting is not a formula.
And God is the changer of hearts.

I want to practice consistent training and teach them of His ways.
I want to pray for them by name and plead with Him to reach them.
I want to live a faith authentic, that permeates every corner.

But when the mirror causes discouragement, I will claim 1 John 1:9,
And pray in my failures, they will see His grace abound.
Because parenting is not a formula.
And God is still changing my heart.

Because this is not the end of my story–
He still has much work to do.
This is not the end of their stories–
I will trust Him to see it through.

So thankful for these hopes offered…

God does soften hearts.
God can use our messes.
God will hear our prayers when we cry out for our children.
And it is God who will complete the work that He has started in us, and in the lives of our children.

Oh please Lord– I pray specifically that this will be true for our family and for all those whose hearts cry out with me…

“For I will have no greater joy, than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”

~3 John 1:4

With Love,

Kara @ The Chuppies

Nathan Clarkson (son of Sally Clarkson) is currently in the process of producing and raising funds for a film he wrote as a modern retelling of the Prodigal Son, entitled Confessions of a Prodigal Son. He is making the film in hopes of the film being a light in a dark world and reaching out to a generation of lost prodigals who need to hear the redemptive message inside of Jesus’ story.
To support and find out more about this project please visit his page.

20 Comments | Filed Under: Babies, Boys, Child Safety, Discipling Children, Following God, Girls, Hope, Marriage/Relationships, Parenting, Prayer, Special Needs, Teens, Toddlers Tagged With: behavior in children, character training, children, encouragement, Expectations, forgiveness, God's Word, help for children, helping Moms who feel alone, hope, motherhood, parenting, Preparing for Children

Your First Valentine

February 14, 2013 By Kara Chupp

On the medical release form for our middle child, I had to write:

May still have a quarter in him.

I checked…

(a very nice way of putting that–for those of you who know what they ask you to do when your child eats a coin)

…for over a month but never found it, so please make sure to x-ray him before ever giving an MRI or CT-Scan because he can’t have those if the quarter is still in him.

Why-oh-why do they do things like that?!?

At what point does it sound like a good idea to put dried pinto beans or tiny Legos up your nose?

Do they really think I will be pleased that their rainbow drawn in the middle of the family room carpet looks “just like the one in the book” ?

Or that they helped by using dishwashing soap to “clean the carpet” for me?

And how do you recover from calling 911 and then trying to explain to the police officer that it isn’t actually real blood on your kid, but just red nail polish that he used to paint himself?

How do you stop your heart from pounding when the thud on the tile entry turns out to be your children in a pile after they emptied out their laundry baskets and climbed inside to take wild rides down your very steep staircase?

Or when naptime was less about napping, and more about using a sibling’s ink pad to quietly-Picasso the entire upstairs.

And there’s nothing like the feeling–
When your toddler walks up to you with half a worm and you realize she’s chewing the other half…

Or when you are cleaning and pull up the vent in the floor and find it crammed full of empty candy wrappers…

Or when you go to get your newborn up from sleeping and find that his head has been decorated with a jug of Vaseline…

Or when you see something brown on the carpet and you realize that your toddler has “changed” your baby’s diaper…

Or when your son sees the cloaked-lady next to you in the Spaghetti Factory restroom and SCREAMS-IN-TERROR– “It’s a witch!!!”

Or when your dog’s breath smells “minty fresh” and you decide it’s probably best that everyone gets a new toothbrush because…

…you just never know.

But there is a point in the journey of parenting when it actually (kind of) makes sense to you that–
“the bathrooms were all full”
so using a soldier’s helmet as a chamber pot was
“the only thing” he could do.
But you are still sad that he couldn’t empty it without spilling all the way to the bathroom.

And eventually you get past trying to impress other people…

So when you hear that your Pastor’s wife had to come clean your house because her daughter was babysitting and your boys decorated their room with their babysitter’s mascara, it really is actually something you can laugh about…eventually.

And when your 2-year-old LOUDLY asks the man behind the counter at Subway–
“Are you Jesus?”
You simply smile and say–
“I bet you get that a lot.”

You start to understand them and believe that when they cut off 12 inches of their sister’s hair, they really were “just trying to cut the gum out.”

You LOVE how they hide under their dinner napkins when their daddy gets home from work.

And how they yell “chase me” and dart away in screams.

And how they plead for just one more story night after night.

And how they actually do stop and pray for the “sick guy” they pass in the hospital.

And how they tell you things like when they grow up they’re going to be– “a vet during the day and a circus clown at night.”

And that– “You and Dad are my best friend.”

When they say–“Even way under your covers, Jesus can still see you.”

Cuz–
“God is real, but Superman isn’t,
but even if Superman was real,
God would totally be stronger.”

But there is nothing…nothing….nothing…

Like the day you get the first real Valentine from your child.

Not one you told them to make.

Or one you made for them and had them sign.
But one that they planned and cut and pasted and created all out of love…

That they hid and brought to you,
giggling from the joy of the surprise…