The night we said yes to God’s plan for the timing of more children, he filled my womb. He created, fashioned, and designed. I rejoiced in the quiet of my room when I read the positive on the pregnancy test. I wasn’t holding onto fear like I thought I would, but I felt a peace and comfort and trusted that God knew what was best for our lives.
It was only two days until Father’s Day when I found out I was pregnant with our fourth baby, so I thought I would suprise Aaron. I opened a journal I was going to give to him and wrote about my love for him. I wrote about the beautiful moments we had when we stayed down at the beach for our anniversary… and then I suprised him, “Our passion is powerful—we made a baby!”
We talked about how much the kids would love having a baby. I was already daydreaming over the kitchen sink while washing dishes of what it would be like to have another boy or girl, and what color their hair would be. The silky hair, the soft skin, and the fresh smell of a newborn sounded amazing.
But soon my dreaming changed to a broken heart. I sat on the toilet and saw the first signs of a miscarriage. My stomach felt sick. I couldn’t believe that this would happen to me again.
I thought about the tiny little soul in my womb, I didn’t want to let go, again. The thought of being emptied out felt too much to bear. I’d fallen in love with the little soul that found it’s home in me. I had already prayed for my baby and I’d dreamt of how our family would change with new life.
I layed in bed feeling broken and weary, crying out to God and asking him to help me believe in his plan. I felt the pain piercing my insides and into my soul as my little one left my body.
As I laid in bed, the pain I felt didn’t miraculously go away, but I did find comfort as I let go of my plan. I gripped my sheets with each cramp and begged God to grip my heart. I cried out to the one who gives and takes away and asked him to remind me of his faithfulness. I feared the weakness of my wandering heart.
Help me to trust in you, not just in life but in death. Bind my wandering heart to you. When I can’t lift my head, remind me of your rest. And when nothing else satisfies, help me to taste the goodness of your love. In the most difficult of days, help my desperate soul to long for you.
Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.—Psalm 143:8
With Love, Natalie nataliefalls.com