About Cassandra

Cassandra is married to Wesley, and together they home educate three children who humble and amaze them daily. She is passionate about sharing authentic faith, and the freedom and purpose that come through Christ. Her heart is renewed by tall trees, a rushing river and an upward gaze. She shares love notes from the unplugged path at www.TheUnpluggedFamily.com.

The Importance of Truthful Parenting

April 13, 2013 By Cassandra

“Come on, we have to go!” A distinguished looking Dad is indignant as his young daughter ignores his fourth request to leave the library. She continues playing as he huffs and collects coats and books.

“Now, listen sweetie. If you come now, we’ll stop for ice cream on the way home!” He announces it with a joyous grin and holds out a hand to the blond preschooler. She looks up at him, smiles, and drops the toys she was playing with. An older brother leans in, “Really, Dad?”

“No,” the Dad whispers. “I just need her to come.”

At the time I saw this scene play out, I was shocked. As a new Mom, I couldn’t believe that a Father would blatantly lie to his child. Now, nearly eight years later, I’m sad to say I’m no longer even remotely shocked when I witness parents lying to their children point-blank. I’ve realized lying to our children is a cultural norm.

Whether it’s to ease a transition, to get out of buying an unwanted toy, to distract a child, persuade a child, or simply cover up something we don’t want our children to know – lying in parent-child relationships is common. I’ve even heard people justify stealing their young child’s Christmas money or throwing away an unwanted toy and saying it was ‘lost’.

My husband and I made a commitment early in our parenting journey that we would never lie to our children because we just didn’t feel it was right. We watched other parents constantly stretching the truth to ease their daily parenting duties and something about the method just didn’t seem healthy. It hasn’t been easy to consistently be honest with our children, especially with one extremely strong-willed child, but, boy has it paid off. We have a strong, authentic relationship with our kids and they trust us fully. No, not a perfect relationship, but an honest, open one. We’ve also had to dig deep within to discover how our sin and character flaws were impacting our kids - and do we ever lean hard on God’s grace and guidance!

There are two concepts that stuck out to me as I looked at this issue of lying to our children:

1. Lying is a sin. Period. The truth is, we are called to be honest and upright in all our interactions. ”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” aren’t just cliche words, they are words of life. This concept is a command. Would we want our children lying to us? Of course not. Then why would we lie to them? Even about seemingly silly little things?

In the middle of writing this post something ironic happened. My seven year old son (yes, the incredibly strong-willed one) was in bed and I visited him with a warm cup of water to say good night. “Mama?” he asked. “Do we have any decaffeinated tea instead of just water?” In this moment, I wanted so badly to just murmur, “No, we don’t. Night. Night.” I’m tired. It’s been a long day. But, I sighed and chuckled that my seven year old would even ask such a thing and said, “Yes, Simon… but do you really need that right now?” Of course, he did. So, I got him a bit of tea, brought it to him, said my ‘Love You’s and all was well. If I had of said “no, we don’t have any”, he would have come down in the morning and found out that we indeed did have decaffeinated tea and he would have wondered why Mommy lies to him. It sounds trivial, but trust me friends, it isn’t. This is the stuff our relationships are built on. It lead me to my second thought…

2. Dishonesty ruins relationships. The foundation of friendship is trust. Without the solid ground-work of honesty, how do we possibly grow a healthy relationship? I think so many parents who consistently lie to their children about small things truly don’t realize the long-term affects of their actions. Our kids look to us for guidance. When we say we love God and want to follow Him, they are watching how our words actually affect our daily lives. How do we live? How do we treat people? How do we treat them? We are raising up little people. They are incredibly influenced by our actions and will often model our behavior.

I’ve also considered how my children can trust me if I constantly lie to them. If I tell them about faith and life and truth, I want them to trust my words are honest and true. If I’m always honest with them, they have no reason to question me. If I’ve lied to them in the past, they could certainly question my ability to speak truth and might wonder if and when I’m being honest with them. This should concern us deeply as parents, especially those of us who long to speak biblical and spiritual truth to our children.

Just like Solomon advised, ‘an honest answer is like the kiss of friendship’. When we are open with our children, we plant seeds of truth and love in their lives and in our family relationships. They won’t always like the answer, but they will know their parents are always completely real with them. Honesty is a vital component of healthy parenting. Lean into Him and cling to truth in every way, that truth will indeed set you free – not only in your parenting journey, but in your personal walk with God as well.

In humble love,

Cassandra

Scripture to consider:

“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor…” Ex. 20:16

“And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” Luke 6:31

“Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak

the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.” Eph. 4:25

What are your thoughts on the topic of honesty with our children?

24 Comments | Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: children, honesty in families, honesty in parenting, parenting, raising children

Nurturing a Healthy Body Image in our Girls (Part 2 – Media Lies)

April 11, 2013 By Cassandra

If we want to nurture healthy body image in our daughters, we’ve got to wage war on culture.

Last year, I put together a short presentation showing how Photoshop is used to totally alter photos of celebrities, models, and people in the spotlight. I used the presentation during workshops for young girls. When the photos came up on the screen showing both the unaltered and the altered photos, we talked openly about what changes the girls could see. A few girls were keenly aware of how media images are tweaked and perfected but many were completely blind to the truth.

By the end of the exercise, the girls were able to understand better why it is impossible to live up to pop culture’s version of ’beauty’. It’s impossible because the people they see just aren’t REAL. They are electronically perfected versions of themselves.

I’m not sure about you, but I certainly don’t fit media’s ‘beauty’ mold. Hardly anyone does. That’s the idea. We are all striving to fit into a box that is a façade. As grown women we struggle with feelings of inadequacy and we (for the most part) know the images are false. Imagine how much more this affects our daughters who are so impressionable and largely blinded by pop culture’s circus. We have millions of girls who feel defeated, ugly, fat, and unworthy of love. That’s where the products come in: makeup, clothing, shoes, hair products, skin cleansers, bronzers, tanning creams, firming gels, you name it. Then the attitudes, the relationships, the music, and the desperate attempt to be ‘sexy’. Our girls are on this forever quest to attain a perfected beauty that isn’t real. It is absolutely unattainable.

I know what many of you are thinking: the media isn’t completely to blame for girls feeling worthless. You’re right. The media isn’t completely to blame. There are many factors in the mix: faith, parents, family background, education, socio-economic climate, emotional health, friendships, and so on. But extensive research has been done proving that when it comes to messages about beauty the MEDIA is the second largest influence on the average North American female between ages 8 and 18. The first influence is her friends. So, we have a continent of girls defining beauty largely based on what their peers and pop culture are telling them. And we wonder why our daughters are falling apart.

Yes, we are overwhelmed with negative messages, but we can stand against the onslaught. We can choose to be set apart and help our daughters stand up for truth. We have to. If we do not fill in the gap, someone else will.

Three things we need to do to Nurture Healthy Body Image and fight the Media’s Beauty Lies:

1. Boldly shelter girls from negative messages:

In our family, we decided to toss the television years ago. One of the many reasons we felt strongly about getting rid of it was the totally inappropriate and damaging images of women so frequently found on TV. We’ve also chosen to stay out of the mall and keep secular magazines and ads out of our house. Our culture is an onslaught of destructive messages about what it means to be a girl, what defines beauty, and what gives women value. As parents we have to stand firm in our convictions and not back down. We’ve chosen to opt out of many of the typical pop culture trends to protect our daughter from what we believe are unhealthy messages about beauty. There is nothing wrong with shutting out negative images and choosing to live differently.

2. Openly discuss media lies with older girls:

As girls grow, I understand, most will inevitably be subjected to at least some of the images crowding our world. When girls hit this age, it is so important to talk to our daughters about the images they see and what they mean. One of the reasons I am involved with Dove Real Beauty Self-Esteem Workshops is because of my passion for media awareness. These workshops unveil the lies the media is telling our young girls. Girls are made aware of the lies about beauty and can take steps towards standing against them. They discuss openly (as a group) how they feel about commercials, music videos, and advertisements that show women as objects. They discuss topics of ethnic beauty, weight, and what real girls really look like. It’s powerful and beautiful.

The first step is awareness. Our daughters need to be aware of what the media is all about. Media depicted beauty is a false perception that needs to be openly discussed in families when the time comes.

3. Fill our girls with biblical truth about beauty.

An overwhelming number of girls stated they could never call themselves beautiful. I believe this is largely because of the lies they are told through pop culture. The majority of preteens are consumed in more than 8 hours of media every single day. How can we possibly combat that? We can’t. That’s why the first point is to work our hardest to shelter our families from the junk. In place of the garbage, we fill our hearts with truth.

“The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting: but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:3-4

Blessings,

Cassandra

6 Comments | Filed Under: Fitness and Health, Following God, Girls, Parenting, Teens, Uncategorized Tagged With: Defying the Culture, girls and body image, healthy body image for girls, parenting preteens, parenting teens

Nurturing a Healthy Body Image in Our Girls (Part 1)

March 14, 2013 By Cassandra

I have been incredibly blessed to host several Dove Real Beauty Self-Esteem workshops in my local community. Over the years I have had eye-opening conversations with young girls about their struggles with self-esteem and body image. Moms, our girls are drowning in a sea of lies about their bodies and what beauty really means. This series comes from a place deep within my heart. If we want our daughters to grow up believing they are beautifully and wonderfully made by a creator who loves them unconditionally, we have a battle to fight.

So, here is Part 1 – Moms, we are the role models.

One of the best things about the Dove Self-Esteem workshop is this: the Moms have to be there. If the girls do not have a biological Mom in their life, their closest female mentor goes through the process with them. We need the Moms there because research has shown the number one influence on a young girl’s self-esteem is – HER MOM! (Second is the Media, third is her friends, which we will discuss in part 2 and 3.)

The truth is, our daughters are looking to us for their example of what healthy self-esteem and body image looks like. We need to step up, be aware, and be willing to change the way we relate to our own bodies. We need to realize how much we can impact our precious daughters on this challenging journey.

Some important questions to ask ourselves:

**1. “What do I say about my own body?”**

I’m sure most of us already know, our children listen to everything we say. We need to be so careful what we say about ourselves in words and in actions. How do you feel about your own body? Like me, I’m sure so you may have mixed feelings about your post-kid body. To be honest, I have had pretty rough struggles with my own self-esteem for many reasons. I’m a work in progress – as so many of us are.

Truth is, we need to be so careful what we say and do in front of our daughters despite how we may feel inside. I never say things like, “I feel fat” or “I need to lose weight” around Audrey (my daughter is six). I’ve had friends in the past who have openly admitted they felt crippling pressure to be thin because their Mom was obsessive about her own weight. They saw how much their Mom focused on her desire to be thin and internalized that feeling, wondering: ‘…will I measure up to Mom’s standards if I’m not thin?’.

Remember what you ‘say’ isn’t only in your words. It is in your actions as well. Model healthy body image for your daughter by not spending so much time in front of the mirror worrying about looking just right. Let’s try to focus our attention elsewhere and help our daughters grab hold of something deeper.

2. “What do I say about my daughter’s body?”

Our daughter is the picture of our Western world’s depiction of beauty. Thin, tall, blue eyes, long curly blond hair, porcelain skin. It seems everyone always has something to say to her: “Oh, aren’t you beautiful!”, “Wow… look at that gorgeous hair…”, “My goodness, your daughter is so lovely!” Honestly, it drives me crazy. The compliments are given with sweet intentions, I know. I just really wish there wasn’t such a focus on her exterior appearance.

I try hard not to focus on our daughter’s looks on a day-to-day basis. I prefer to compliment her actions and her heart and mind. Sometimes she’ll flat out ask me, ‘Mama, do I look pretty?’ and of course, I’ll say ‘Of course!’ and will also tell her things like, “Audrey you are always beautiful to me, but especially because you have such a giving heart.” I just want to bring the focus from the outer beauty to the far more valuable inner beauty.

Having said that, I do understand the importance of complimenting our daughter and letting her know she is beautiful. Of course, our daughters want to feel pretty and graceful and all those things. I just pray it won’t be an unhealthy fixation for her.

I remember how I felt when extended family members would call me chubby as a preteen. I felt worthless. I ended up crash dieting at 13 and losing over 50lbs in one Summer. Recently, I’ve sat in rooms with Moms who have openly criticized their daughter’s appearance right in front of them. “I think her nose is actually quite flat…”, “Do you think her eyes are strange?”, “She is getting kind of pudgy, isn’t she?”, “Look at those bucky teeth… what are we going to do about those?” No, I’m not kidding. These kinds of comments are heard and understood by the youngest of girls and it will deeply affect them.

Friends, I can’t whisper it enough, let’s be incredibly careful what we say about our daughters. And about other young girls. Let’s choose to stay away from negative comments altogether and rather than constantly talking about appearance, find something deeper to compliment a young girl about. Her sense of humor, her kindness, her achievements.

3. “How do I model a healthy, balanced lifestyle?”

One of the things I learned through the workshops is how much of a positive affect living an active, healthy lifestyle can have on girls. Even girls who were overweight felt much better about themselves and didn’t usually struggle with body image the way many inactive girls did. Girls involved with team sports like Soccer were less likely to have negative feelings about their body or weight. (Contrary to that, girls heavily involved in sports like dance and gymnastics felt increasingly overwhelming feelings of low self-esteem and negative body image).

What does a healthy, balanced lifestyle mean to you? It’s something you may have to consider. God, family, service, healthy eating, being active, spending time outside, reducing screen time… these are all parts of our ‘healthy’ life. As a family we try to focus on service, staying as unplugged as possible, hiking, riding bikes, exploring outdoors, and learning together.

If we want our daughters to value a healthy, balanced lifestyle, we absolutely have to model it. They will follow our lead.

I think one of the best ways we can influence our daughters to grow a healthy body image is to pray for them and pray with them. Pray that God would fill them up with His love and His purpose. Pray for protection against this world’s endless lies about beauty. Pray for your own heart, that you would know and live out truth when it comes to your own self-esteem and how it affects your daughter and the young girls in your life.

Part 2 is next - what to do with the MEDIA?

Blessings,

Cassandra

13 Comments | Filed Under: Discipling Children, Girls, Media, Parenting, Teens Tagged With: body image and girls, Defying the Culture, girls and body image, motherhood, parenting, self-esteem for girls

Faith for the Messy Unknown

February 10, 2013 By Cassandra

WORN OUT. I sprawl it in capital letters as the introduction to tonight’s journal entry. Maybe it’s a desperate prayer or just an open admitting of my current ‘condition’. I’m sitting cross-legged in a dimly lit hallway, begging our children to hush and go-to-sleep. Today, I’m just worn out and worn down. My neck, it aches without rest. My head, it pounds. Children argue over every little thing.

We wake up to a broken-down car, again… our crummy old car. My eyes roll as I listen to the wind crashing through our yard. What was that? A garbage can? I don’t have the energy to check. These thin walls feel so thick today. Can you relate, Mom?

Contentment, gratitude… the whole feeling ‘peaceful’ in the very moment – I fail at it all today. I yell after writing a post about not yelling. Yes, that’s me. I whine. I lose my passion. I sit on the floor pouting and gazing up. “We don’t know our direction God,” I sprawl it in my beaten-up notebook. “What is the plan?” I’m like a child pressuring her Father for an answer. “Where are we going? What is our call? Uganda? Staying here? We are so clueless God. I feel like I’m spinning circles…”

I sit a long time thinking about all the unknowns in our life. Especially right now. I grimace at what a mess I feel. Several silent minutes pass. Finally, I breath deeply and hear whispers of truth. Isn’t the “I don’t know” just a great big space to fill with faith? Yes, faith can fill and then overflow. If we want it to. Tonight, it’s a forced night. Some nights, it flows easy, others – I force it down because I know what’s good for me. And Christ is always good for me.

I hear His whispers – purpose is lived out in the daily steps. We are formed and continuously refined in the seemingly monotonous. My weakness makes way for the Mighty One.

But can any earthly wonder, in Christ, be boring? Really? I wince at today’s shallow heart – my lack of sight. Forgiveness, Lord… for an untrust. And an unwillingness to see the holiness of today. An immaturity that wishes away the journey. That worries away the weeks waiting for what’s next.

I am a true mess and I know it and I easily can admit it. It’s God who keeps me together, who breathes life into my being, who pieces all the fragments of me together and makes something out of nothing. Out of nowhere I hear it…

Live for tomorrow, and miss today.

Friends, the future will likely come. I mean, it may not, but it likely will. God has a plan, and it is amazing and incredible and so much more than anything we can imagine. He doesn’t need us to worry about it. He’s got it covered. The future, it will come.

Today, however, will never come again.

A mess, we are, but He meets us here. Right here, today, this hour. Even cross-legged in a shadowed hallway. He is in the wind and He is in the stillness. He is in the arguments and He is in the planning. He is in Uganda, He is right here in my small town in Ontario, and He is right there wherever you sit in your corner of this beautiful earth. And He wants to meet us ‘here’, wherever that might be.

Chaos threatens and we do have an enemy – but Jesus conquers all and in Him, there is victory, joy, peace… unexplainable, amazing peace. Peace, even when the storm howls outside your walls. Hold on to the faith that covers all messes and unwraps all the unknowns of this earth. There is a plan and it is all in His mighty hands. And, Mama… so are you, so are you.

xoxo

Cassandra