The Quiet Side of Crabby {one Mom’s perspective}

The Quiet Side of Crabby {one Mom's perspective}

I’m not a yeller or a screamer as a Mom, thankfully it’s not been an issue so far.  But, I do struggle with a problem when I’m really stressed or upset.  An issue that’s quite opposite of raising my voice.

The stress doesn’t exactly have to relate to the kids, or with feeling overwhelmed by their needs.  Sometimes my children are actually behaving, getting along, and generally not causing a fuss.  There are moments of peace in our home  - imagine that!

But if this Mama is wrestling through an issue, feeling overly anxious inside (such as when my husband lost his job), or needing space to think or process…

…I prefer to have my surroundings ultra quiet and super still.

Okay, that’s putting it a bit lightly.  I sometimes want all children to play the ‘be seen and not heard’ card, to make myself a cup of tea, and to then simply retreat from all my mothering, homemaking, housekeeping responsibilities of the day!

Somehow, the fact that I’m homeschooling four children, need to provide the family with meals, and wash our laundry doesn’t compute in those moments.  This self-focused vision grows overly large, and I serve my needs alone before my children or my home.

You see, for some moms, our struggle may not come out in loud, angry words or unintentional yelling across the room.  Maybe you’re more like me, and find that the peace and quiet you really do require in order to feel refreshed, becomes an itty-bitty idol demonstrated by a self-serving attitude.

Until it’s no longer itty-bitty, right?

First, allow me to encourage you to carve out the slice of serenity you need in your days – for processing, for prayer, for focus.  It’s true…the quiet and silence does refresh you, so take it where possible.  Make it priority.

Where the supernatural help of God’s Spirit needs to flow is often the same place I find myself — you’ll eventually need to release the quiet, and engage in the busy, rumbly-tumbly loudness of childhood and motherhood.

To fully give yourself over to loving your children, training them, and making memories with them…even while you’re thinking things through and feeling strained.

It’s hard to adopt this attitude when stressed — I know.  That’s why we need God’s help.

But, we didn’t take on mothering or staying home with our children so they can primarily ‘play quietly in their rooms’, did we?  No, not at all.

TODAY – seek God’s assistance, ask for His presence to sustain you in the noise, just as He does in the quiet.  He’s already available…just ask.

Grace.

Blessings,
Daniele Evans
{photo credit}

This post is a part of our January 2014 Series

From Grouchy to Great Mom Series

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Comments

  1. Elissa Philgence says

    Thank you so much Daniele for this message of encouragement. Yes we do need to find that quite time for self and with God each morning.

    I work hard at getting up at 5 am each morning to spent time with God and to ask him for strength and grace to deal with my problems throughout the day and not to let my problems overflow onto my children,. I am not totally there yet, but it gets easier with each pasting day.

    Also you mention that you are not ” a yeller or a screamer as a Mom, thankfully it’s not been an issue so far” please share with me how you menage not to do that. I am not a screamer but I struggle not to yell over my children because I don’t think they heard me over all their yelling.

    Blessings and thanks again.

  2. Daniele Evans says

    Hi Elissa — thanks for the affirmation, appreciate your words.

    I think it may be my personality? :) And, it doesn’t mean I never, ever scream or yell…just that it’s not really a pattern. Before I wrote this post, I asked my teenage girl to read it, and she fully agreed that the ‘demand for quiet’ is my struggle, and not really raising my voice. While I’m intentional about stopping myself from shouting when getting upset (prayer, walking away, taking a ‘mommy time-out), I think I’m just quiet overall.

    We each have our weakness, and we all need Christ’s help. Stay tuned – the ladies here will have some great posts coming up to encourage us all!

    • Elissa Philgence says

      Thanks for sharing Daniele. I need to learn to take more ‘mommy time-outs’. Yes, I am looking forward to reading all posts.

  3. Lisha says

    This is something I could have written (not as eloquently, though!). Thank you – this is a blessing, Daniele! God has been convicting me in this very area (of how much ‘quiet time’ I actually need in my day). Blessings to you!

  4. Amy Dixon says

    I could have written this. I desire peace and quiet and no questions asked when I’m stressed, anxious, thinking, etc. in a house of 7, it doesn’t happen.

  5. Darlene Oakley says

    I’m the same way lots of times. I do a lot of the yelling — really too much — but I also have those moments where I just want quiet and not have anyone demanding anything of me. As a single mother of one teenager (moderately autistic) and an ADHD 5-year-old and a somewhat temperamental dog…the demands seem never-ending and my obsessive compulsive nature doesn’t like having to continually repeat myself…so when my kids can’t read my mind and keep quiet…I actually get to the yelling part. I keep reminding myself that they can’t know what I’m upset about if I don’t tell them and that telling them will help them understand and watch for signs for when mom needs quiet time and what they can do to help that.

    I rely on God’s grace every day to keep my temper in check, and remind myself all the time that I wouldn’t like someone else talking to me like I do to my kids sometimes – particularly my 5-year-old — that thought alone is very humbling. I also have to remind myself when I put my leisure too much ahead of my responsibilities as a mother and need to rely on God to help me reset my priorities.

    Anyway…really looking forward to this series!

    • Daniele Evans says

      Thankfully, we have a God who is concerned about all of these things — keep taking it to Him! I’m looking forward to this series too…will help us all to grow.

    • Jennifer Anderson says

      “watch for signs for when mom needs quiet time and what they can do to help that.” That is brilliant. I am going to try to come up with what my signs look like and share with my kids. Thanks so much

      • Darlene Oakley says

        You’re very welcome. It’s something I learned at a parenting course for autistic children about hidden rules…things that we just assume they know, but they can’t possibly because no one’s taught them or told them. They can’t read those signs on their own. They have to have someone define those signs for them.

        I realized I was getting angry at them for doing something when they couldn’t possibly have known what was going on in my mind or heart, and that I needed to tell them and teach them what to do, instead of just assuming they knew (which they didn’t) and would figure out what I wanted them to do instead (which they wouldn’t).

  6. zekesmom10 says

    Ouch! I am both a yeller and a withdrawer. If I don’t get *peace* when *I* want it, I sometimes yell. I even know I’m being selfish. :( Other times, I yell because they can’t seem to hear a calm, quiet voice.

  7. Emily says

    Thank you for sharing, Daniele. This hit home for me – I experienced this need for quiet just yesterday. I feel like God is shouting at me through this post, ha!

  8. Christina Longoria Ortiz says

    I’m neither a yeller or withdrawer. I don’t allow myself any time to myself because I feel guilty. I’ll try to find some time to myself to refresh.

  9. EvryHrINeedHim2014 says

    I am both… I don’t seek God as often as I should with this issue and that is something that I’ve been working on. The difference is already shining through, but it didn’t/doesn’t happen overnight. I am still a work in progress! Just as my children are learning, I am learning too! I crave silence and peace and with focusing in on God and putting Christ in the center of parenting, I believe that my family can find a good balance! Looking forward to tomorrow’s blog/article.

  10. T. Grant says

    When I withdraw I feel like I’m completely neglecting my family and the expectations I put on myself as a mother and wife. The guilt alone sends me farther down the path of being overwhelmed. I’ve had people tell me since I became a mother ‘time away is good for you’ ‘you need this’ but it’s very difficult for me to balance it. Taking up a hobby, for example, sounds good as an idea, but when I have everything set up for a sewing project, or scrapbooking, it’s good for a day. When I have to leave my project to do something I feel like “my hobby” starts calling me away from my duties. As much as I might “need” that hobby I can’t seem to find a healthy balance.

    • Daniele Evans says

      I can relate! We have to grab the moments where we can for projects, so hopefully there’s a spot where you can leave things set up, and return to it here & there. Intentional motherhood sometimes means we do our hobbies in spurts. :)

    • Darlene Oakley says

      I can so relate. My family tree work is that for me. The research takes a lot of time and focus and I hate interrupting things and letting things go when I haven’t completed them. But obviously, I can’t find everything out about every member in one or two sittings. I have to do it in stages and little bits – and not every bit of investigation time will turn out any new information – and I have to be happy with that.

      But, it is one of those things that calls me away from my mom duties…I completely know what you’re talking about.

      I also work from home and that’s a whole nother set of boundaries since my hours are not 9-5. I’ve been struggling with that balancing act as well!

  11. helovesme says

    Thanks for this. I’m a new stay at home mom. My son is 5, and I’ve only been home for 2 months so far. I’ve been feeling like a failure on so many levels. Praying for grace.

  12. Kristen says

    So timely. Just before I read this I opted to finish my devotions with my squirmy 20 month on my lap eating apples. I, too, need the peace and quiet…and sometimes feel entitled to it as I also homeschool. I am going to be working on this.

  13. Mandy Kelly says

    OH THIS IS SO ME! HIt me on the head! CONVICTION! Thank you for that. I do idolize peace. I am such an internal processor!

  14. Jennifer Anderson says

    Yes, this need for TOTAL quiet is why I work so hard to get up at 4am. Getting up at 5:30 when my husband and 2 of my sons get up to go to work/ and a 6am seminary class just does not cut it. It is that absolute total quiet to read my scriptures and think of my day that keeps me from freaking out in the evening after a day of homeschooling and the stress of forgetting to make dinner ahead, and make phone calls for the ‘family’ and the six million things I am supposed to do as a wife, mother, and homemaker. (Not to mention serving others outside the home.)
    When I don’t get up, after a day or two I start to pay the price in anxiety and depression and then trying to hide in my room to read a book. (This doesn’t help because the kids just follow me where ever I try to hide.) I am so pleased to realize that there is someone else who understands. Thank you so much for recognizing this trait and sharing it so succinctly.

  15. QueenBee93 says

    Sometimes I take it personally that my children are fussing with one another, like they are trying to hurt me on purpose. Especially when we are in the car. I am the Queen Grouchy Mom! I wonder how I must look to strangers when I’m yelling at my kids in the car. I’m sure it is very ugly. They can’t hear me or the kids but they see what is obvious to me in my heart, that I am acting inappropriately.

  16. Mommy4Christ says

    Ah! Confession: I broke down to my hubby last night. Told him I wasn’t exactly sure why I was upset. Maybe not enough personal quiet time? I prayed last night for clarity. As I read this, it became obvious that I idolize my peace and quiet. When I do withdraw, I feel sooo guilty about it. I want to be engaged with my kids, but at the time, I felt the need to withdraw. Now that I have the clarity that that is what’s bothering me, I’ll have to try to make sure I carve out some planned time for myself so that I don’t withdraw. And being mindful of my tendency, hopefully I can work through those situations better than I have been. Thank you for writing this! It truly was an answer to my prayer last night.

    • Daniele Evans says

      You are welcome! God knows just how to meet us and exactly what we need to hear. So glad HE is so faithful! Blessings…

  17. Lana Moline says

    Girlfriend! You nailed every thought in my head. Thank you so much for this wonderful and encouraging article.

  18. Brit@ renewtheirstrength.com says

    I really needed to read this. You have blessed me with your words. Thank you! The truth WILL set you free.

  19. DA Schuhow says

    This is sooooo me. Never realized it until I read your post. Most of the time I am craving to be by myself, but I am learning that if I feel that way I need to spend more time reading my Bible, praying, and surrendering to God.

  20. Heather says

    Wow, this was great. I too like the quiet to calm myself…I am also a yeller though when I don’t get that quiet I want. This is great though, no I did not become a stay at home, homeschooling mom to have the kids play quietly in their rooms while I had quiet time. If I had wanted that I shouldn’t have had kids :) so this just opened my eyes and today will go easier thanks to you and Jesus!

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