Do you mind if I teach my sons to respect your daughters?

October 24, 2012 By Amy Bayliss

To my four sons I’ve vowed to be an example of a Godly woman. Their dad and I have promised to teach them how to respect and adore members of the opposite sex. We have repeatedly trained them to think of others first and put aside their normal selfish tendencies.

We’ve done this because one day our sons will find a young lady who catches their eye. Their curiosity and desire to get to know her will likely put him on autopilot unless he has been trained otherwise. I don’t want any of my sons to look upon your daughters as objects of pleasure or bragging rights. I don’t want them to forget that they will have to answer not only to us as their parents but to their heavenly father as well.

We’ve discussed this in depth with them since they were very young. The conversations were always age appropriate and serious. We used the real names of body parts (yes, it took me a while to actually say the word) and spoke candidly about God’s design for sex. We also educated them on the world’s view of sex and why we believed it to be a harmful. We keep the conversation open and engaging by bringing it up at various times as they are maturing.

Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

We’ve tried to train them to point ladies, young or older, to God when they express insecurity through conversation, the covert shout for attention, or by the way she presents herself. Even if it is mom. Yes, I still have days like that and my sons have all, at one time or another, come to me and said, “Mom, can I pray for you? I see you need God to make himself known to you today.” Proud? Yes. Humbled? Even bigger yes.

We’ve taught them that abstinence is the only way to honor God, prevent pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and the emotional turmoil that tends to come with pre-marital sex. We want them to love their future wife enough to wait. We pray with them for their future wives and when they do things that we find questionable, we ask them if they would approve if a guy was doing that very thing, right now, with their future wife.

We try to make reality as real to them as we can. We try to reinforce that God is their provider and savior and he alone can help them to overcome certain temptations.

Why share this today? Because this is a difficult subject. It’s tough to battle teenage hormones and a loud, obnoxious world that says abstinence is for fools and I should just give my kid a condom. I want my boys to stand for more than they fall for. I want them to learn to love not only their future wives but love every woman enough to not steal from her what isn’t theirs to take.

And I don’t think we talk about it enough. I think we should have open, non-judgmental, helpful, compassionate discussions about how to get our teens through these years. Have you been there? If so, what worked for you? What didn’t? Are you almost there and want some advice? If so, what do you want to know? We have to stick together in this. I want our sons to respect your daughters and I hope you’ll teach your daughters to respect our sons.

Blessings,

Amy Bayliss, amybayliss.com

39 Comments | Filed Under: Boys, Discipling Children, Parenting

About Amy Bayliss

In her home, Amy is the sole expert on all things pretty and organized. She's proud to be married to Ryan, a 6'5" hunk who's a pro at tackling all of her home improvement projects. She's also known as mama to four rambunctious boys who range in age from 1-14. It takes some pretty creative engineering to keep her home in order but she does it with style and can teach you to do the same.

You can find great ideas and projects from Amy at her blogging home: AmyBayliss.com. You can also follow her on Twitter and keep up with her daily mischief on Facebook.

momstheword/Nan

What a beautiful post! Our sons are 19 and 23, and we did much training too. We taught them to honor their friendships with girls, and talked to them about respect. We asked how they wanted someone to be treating their future wife right now, and reminding them that each girl was someone else’s potential future wife, just as they were someone’s future husband.

We talked about dating being a preparation for marriage, and made the rule that they were allowed to group date at 17 (with their friends) and at 18 they could go out alone on a date. We just honestly could not see giving a 16 or 17 year old boy a girl and a car. It just isn’t what we wanted to do.

Our 23 year old just started dating last year. They’ve been dating over a year now and are both working to pay off their college loans before committing to anything further. Our 19 year old isn’t dating yet. These are their choices, not ours.

I agree with the open, loving relationships. I also believe in not buying into the whole “teenage rebellion is inevitable” theory and that they aren’t responsible for their actions because their “supposed” to act that way.

Both my kids tried saying that to us, lol! “I’m a teenager, I’m supposed to act that way!” Yes, good luck with that one, son!

It’s funny how some parents will expect their children to be responsible for their words, behavior/actions UNTIL the child becomes a teen. Then they start making excuses for them and letting them get away with things because they “can’t help it.” Not every parent, just some. What a mixed message that would send to a child! They need to know that they can *continue* to be responsible for their behavior, and we will continue to give them some external boundaries when necessary until they learn internal ones.

Stay the course, mom! Keep talking to those kids, teaching and loving them, and pointing them to our Savior. Thank you for sharing this and encouraging other moms out there to stay connected and talk to one another, and I’d better end this before I hijack your comment section, lol!
momsthewordNan

What a beautiful post! Our sons are 19 and 23, and we did much training
too. We taught them to honor their friendships with girls, and talked
to them about respect. We asked how they wanted someone to be treating
their future wife right now, and reminding them that each girl was
someone else’s potential future wife, just as they were someone’s future
husband.

We talked about dating being a preparation for marriage, and made the
rule that they were allowed to group date at 17 (with their friends) and
at 18 they could go out alone on a date. We just honestly could not
see giving a 16 or 17 year old boy a girl and a car. It just isn’t what we wanted to do.

Our 23 year old just started dating last year. They’ve been dating over
a year now and are both working to pay off their college loans before
committing to anything further. Our 19 year old isn’t dating yet.
These are their choices, not ours.

I agree with the open, loving relationships. I also believe in not
buying into the whole “teenage rebellion is inevitable” theory and that
they aren’t responsible for their actions because their “supposed” to
act that way.

Both my kids tried saying that to us, lol! “I’m a teenager, I’m supposed to act that way!” Yes, good luck with that one, son!

It’s funny how some parents will expect their children to be responsible
for their words, behavior/actions UNTIL the child becomes a teen. Then
they start making excuses for them and letting them get away with
things because they “can’t help it.” Not every parent, just some. What
a mixed message that would send to a child! They need to know that
they can *continue* to be responsible for their behavior, and we will
continue to give them some external boundaries when necessary until they
learn internal ones.

Stay the course, mom! Keep talking to those kids, teaching and loving
them, and pointing them to our Savior. Thank you for sharing this and
encouraging other moms out there to stay connected and talk to one
another, and I’d better end this before I hijack your comment section,
lol!

(Sorry for posting this again, but I’m new at this disqus thing and trying to see if my blog will link to my comment profile thing) as I put my name wrong on the first comment, lol!
- http://amybayliss.com Amy Bayliss
  
  I so don’t agree with that theory either. I wonder when parents started giving in and allowing kids to parent themselves? It is a sad day and age.
  
  Honestly, I think some parents encourage this behavior. I’ve been witness to parents provoking their daughters to “snag” certain boys because of their looks. That was a real eye opener for me. I’ve even had one woman tell me, “but what if my daughter wants to have sex? Are you going to allow him to get her pregnant because you were too foolish to give him a condom?” Did I mention my child is 14? Yes, this really happened and actually it is what prompted this post. I won’t teach my child to do drugs and not overdose just as I won’t teach them to burglarize homes and get away with it. That is foolish thinking. Since when is sex so nonchalant and considered entertainment?
  
  You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. 1 John 4:4
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Adrianna

Great post!
Lori

Yes, I do mind! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am doing the same with my 12 year old son and 11 year old daughter. The older my children get, the more concerned I become about the availability of God-honoring mates for them. But, I know they’re out there (haha), and when my children are ready, I trust that God will bring their future spouses across their paths. Again, thank you! And thank you to all who read this who are following the Lord and training their children to follow the Lord also.
- http://amybayliss.com Amy Bayliss
  
  Yes! They are out there! And though I would like a certain type of girl for my sons I always pray that where ever she is and whatever she is experiencing in life right now that He would draw her by His spirit and bring her closer to Him. My most fervent prayer is that my boys find a woman who loves God more than my son. That is how they will make it!
Diana

Excellent! Thank you for sharing.
http://www.facebook.com/mmorgan86 Megan Morgan

Very well said. Thank you SO much for sharing!
Jenn

I love everything about this post Amy!!
keltrinswife

Love this post!
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http://www.facebook.com/jennifer.w.millett Jennifer Wilson Millett

Love this! Such wisdom here.
http://twitter.com/Kela__Nellums Kela Nellums

AMY!! Thank you! Being on both sides of this (with a young adult daughter that is marrying age and with up and coming young men), I can better see what we desire for our daughters and train our sons more accordingly..if that makes sense?
Love your words here!!
- http://amybayliss.com Amy Bayliss
  
  Perfect sense Kela! Love you, lady!
Stefani Carmichael

I enjoyed your post. I am curious about what kind of age appropriate conversations you had with your boys along the way. My sons are very young now, but this is something that I have begun to wonder how to address with my oldest son. Are there any books on this topic you would recommmend?
- http://amybayliss.com Amy Bayliss
  
  Stefani, here is where it benefits you to really study your child. Learn his level of maturity, emotional reactions, and his ability to process information. All of my children were different. We started by using the series The Story of Me (God’s Design for Sex). They have a few books in the series and all are geared toward a certain age.
  
  We read the books and were open and honest when they asked questions and showed concern. From the young age of 4-6 we began teaching them about babies and how they come to be. I believe education is powerful. We are always striving to learn so if I, as they’re parent, do not teach them all perspectives of this gift from God, then they will get curious and learn on their own. I guess you could say that from an early age my boys knew the concept of sex and how life is created but through the years the depth and expanse of how we discussed it changed.
  
  For example, one of my children is a lover of nature. Animals, plants, bugs, all fascinate him. Well, nature provides many opportunities to discuss God’s plan for reproduction. Each time he’d comment on a baby giraffe or even two lizards caught reproducing (yeah, it happens) then that was an opportunity to expand a little more on God’s design for sex for his children. As they got older we added things that we knew they would encounter when they were outside with friends, at sports, or even church. We’d talk about condoms, sexually transmitted diseases, sexual predators, pornography, pregnancy, and so on. I even allowed them to change their baby brothers diapers and feed him to show the responsibility and we also showed them receipts when out shopping for baby items. They have to know the responsibility that comes with being a parent and why it is reserved for adults.
  
  I also practice proactive parenting by not allowing them to spend the night at homes where I don’t feel the parent shares our views. We monitor computer and TV time, emails, texts, phone calls, and address any issue where we feel there is a concern. We don’t leave that to them. Children must be trained to make the right decision but also must be given the information to make that decision. We are the parent and just like we teach them not to cross the street when the light is red we must teach them to stop in relationships when they are in danger. Unfortunately, we have had a couple little girls (Christian girls) who were very aggressive in tempting my boys by sending photos in swimsuits or texting provocative things. That is when we jump in and educate and guide.
  
  The MOST important thing we do for them is pray regularly and share scripture about why the benefits of waiting are so much greater than that temporary satisfaction they might receive if they give in. It is a difficult thing but so far we have been blessed.
  
  Hope that helps!
  - Crystal Brown
    
    Wow. I really love that you broke down your family’s process of this. I was wondering the same thing regarding what those conversations looked like. With 3 girls and 2 boys, I appreciate your handling of sex as a Godly parent. This response definitely gives me encouragement in starting to expose them to life and sex by God’s design.
Heather Knopp

Very well written! I pray I begin teaching my own 3 year old son these very things.
- http://amybayliss.com Amy Bayliss
  
  Prayer is the key, Heather! Praying with you…
Jeri Lynn

Amy, as a mom of 2 teenage sons, your words resonate through my soul. I too, strive to teach my boys to love and honor God and themselves enough to overcome very real temptations of this world. Thank you for the reminder. Your words bless me greatly and renew in me the commitment to continually train, to continually empower my boys by teaching them God’s words. “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” psalm 119:11
- http://amybayliss.com Amy Bayliss
  
  You have good boys, Jeri Repp! And I know we can do this!
Myra

“I want them to learn to love not only their future wives but love every woman enough to not steal from her what isn’t theirs to take.” What a powerful statement! My oldest son will be ten soon and I need to really start opening up these lines of communication. I so want to keep my kids innocent as long as possible but realize I can’t prolong the inevitable of them growing up! Thank you for the encouragement!
- http://amybayliss.com Amy Bayliss
  
  Hello, Myra! Yes, our kids do inevitably grow up. Gosh, it seems like yesterday my boys were into cartoons and now they play football and want to attend dances. Prayer is so powerful though. Pray and He will guide you.
Carrie

Thank you for this post. I have an 18 year old stepson, 15 year old stepdaughter, 3 year old son, 21 month old son, and 4 month old daughter. I have really struggled with the relationships my stepson has had in the past with girls and just this week found paraphernalia in his room. His father and I have talked to him about God’s design for relationships and marriage, but it doesn’t seem he is listening. I know that I must trust God with this situation, but it is very hard. I wonder if it is even possible for our children in today’s society to have pure relationships. My husband disagrees about how certain things should be handled. Is it too late for my stepson? I don’t think so, but right now it feels like it is. I know we must do things differently with the little ones. Thank you for sharing how you taught your children.
- http://amybayliss.com Amy Bayliss
  
  Hi, Carrie! I feel your frustration but can testify to the fact that there are many Christian men who were pure when they married. Now, I can’t verify that they never did anything but they and their wives testify that she was not a virgin when they married but he was. I was shocked when I discovered how many men waited but women didn’t.
  
  For those who have experienced this and may no longer be pure physically it is never too late for them to be pure in heart. Kids mess up. Adults mess up for that matter. It is what they do with that sin that makes the difference. Do they throw their hands up and give into the temptations of society or do they bring it to God and ask for strength to do the right thing from then on. I want pure hearts for my kids. Pure physical bodies would be a bonus.
Kelley Shaw

Beautiful post. I have 2 daughters ages 10 and 11. They are about to go through puberty and I have been dreading the conversations with them. I want to guide them in the right direction. They have alwyas been very innocent. There have been no questions. I just had a son last year and the girls were old enough to understand the pregnancy and birth of their brother. Their questions are more regular. I want them to be treated the way they ought to be treated. I have taught them to be respectful of others. With my little boy, i want him to be the best man he can be. I just need to know where to start because I don’t think I can do it all by myself. My husband travels a lot for work so I feel that a lot of this burden falls to me on a daily basis. It can be hard sometimes when I am the one always doing the work. i pray for patience. As you state above, I wish I had someone to pray for me. Thank you for sharing.
- http://amybayliss.com Amy Bayliss
  
  It is difficult when you are the parent dealing with most of this but I was a single mom when I started and I was just determined to help my boys become Godly men. He empowered me and I do believe He blessed me by giving me my husband 7 years ago. Keep praying. He makes a way!
Holly

My parents raised me in such a way that sex and anything about it was forbidden to be talked about. If we talked about it, it meant we were thinking bad things about it. I do not have kids, but when I do, I definitely agree with this post about being completely open about it and showing them through your own actions. It is so helpful to have supportive parents instead of judgmental ones. Thank you for this post!!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=666555285 Elisa Pulliam

Amy, this is excellent. With a Titus 2 heart, you illustrate the hows and whys of raising pure boys. Thanks!
Heather

Amy – that’s exactly the message we are giving to our son and daughter – this world may clammer loudly, but the quiet words of Truth that we consistantly weave into their everyday lives are the real fabric of their maturity. Beautifully written – I pray your post has an impact far beyond words on a page.
http://twitter.com/SunnySusan Susan

as a mom of a 15 year old daughter I thank you
http://www.facebook.com/angie.blair.96 Angie Blair

As the mother to 3 beautiful young ladies, ages 8-12, this article made my heart soar! I am overjoyed to read that there are mothers to boys that are walking the same path with us! Thank you for teaching them truth and allowing them to be ‘boys’ but instilling in them their calling as men of God!
Brenda

What an awesome post!! Thank you!!
Erin

Love this! Thank you!
Amelia

This topic is so confusing and scary for me to broach with my children (8, 7, and 3), especially because the sexual abuse I suffered as a child left me feeling like I was an object throughout my teen years. This last year, I also found out my husband has had a sexual addiction for many years, and we are getting help in our marriage. But I feel so inadequate to talk about these things in a healthy way. Thank you for your post. It has shown me I need to bathe this in prayer instead of trying to avoid the issue!
Faith @ Artistic31Mama

I agree with this post so much! I have pinned it for future reference. I have three boys whom I want to raise this way (6, 5, 1) and a 3 yr old daughter who I want to be treated this way. I love how you have approached this subject. You are truly honoring God through this and pray you will continue to bless others. Thanks for sharing.
PrayingMom

I hope that many, many moms of boys are raising them as you are! I have 8 and 6 year old daughters, and went through quite an eye opener this past year when I learned that a boy in my daughter’s 2nd grade class had been very vulgar and graphic in sexual bullying of one of the girls in class. This was at a Christian school, by the way, and his parent is a church leader. As the situation continued to come further to light it was clear that older brothers and a lax (parental) attitude about pornography was a large contributor to the problem. Then we heard more stories about local boys as young as 4th grade being taught by each other how to access pronography on their ipods, and bypass parental controls. Their parents were clueless and shocked. And I don’t consider myself naive, but I was shocked and horrified, too, to realize that boys from Christian homes are receiving their sex “education” via the vast buffet of perversion that is available to them via the internet, and it was difficult as a mom of little girls to realize that these will be the men in their future. We all need to pray- big time- AND take an active role as you have in teaching our children that God has something so much bigger and better for them than what our culture is offering! Way to go, Mom! (I also skimmed the comments and saw the story of the event that prompted your post… as a mom of girls, that one sadly does not surprise me, either… it is scary, but I am so thankful to read that others are not giving up and giving in)
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