Supporting Other Mother’s Schooling Choices

August 22, 2012 By Karen Ehman

“If this is going to be yet another call telling me I’m not obeying God, then I’m just going to politely hang up now.”

The voice on the other end of the line was a new friend from church. Her family had always homeschooled but with the addition of two foster kids-turned-adopted offspring, this year she and her husband prayerfully opted to put their two elementary kids in the small neighborhood public school.

That morning, the first day of school, she had already fielded two calls from homeschool moms questioning her family’s decision.

I assured her that the reason I was calling on this September day was because I’d heard she’d put the kids in school. However, since my home was across the street from their building, I wondered if she might want to put me down as an emergency contact in case one of the kids got sick or injured and she was unable to be reached.

“And”, I continued. “I can see both of your kids out playing at recess right now. They look like they are having a ball and I thought hearing that might set your mind at ease.”

She apologized. And then she cried.

Schooling choices can divide. They can force one-time friends to the opposite sides of the awful “mommy wars” that sometimes brew over schooling choices.

Now, being a mom entering our 17th year of homeschooling finishing up with our senior son, we also have our youngest child entering his second year of public school. Being on both sides of the pencil-lined fence at one time has taught me much. Here are some tips for building bridges rather than walls in the schooling choice arena.

Offer verbal support. Just saying, “I hear you are homeschooling” (or sending a child to traditional school). “I’ll be praying your kids have a great year.” can be powerful.
Be interested. Don’t let awkward silence cause tension when the topic of school is bought up. Ask them about their kids’ teachers. Inquire about their homeschool activities. Be interested in their children’s educational lives and love them regardless of their choice.
Pray. Find out any prayer requests they have and then pray. Knowing my public school friends were praying for my homeschooled children was powerful. They felt the same about the reverse.
Praise them for following their husband. Some moms who want to homeschool have husbands who do not. If you have a friend in that situation, tell them you admire their desire to honor their husband’s wishes. The same goes for the opposite situation.
Show up. Your friend’s kids have a public school science fair? Or a homeschool basketball game? Show up. Take your kids. Cheer. Applaud. Support. Your presence will be a powerful encouragement.

Raising kids is a journey full of choices. Prayerfully supporting a friend’s choice is a way to show unconditional love. While support from other moms in your exact schooling situation is crucial for idea gathering, perspective, and empathy, don’t narrow your choice of friends down to only those who school just like your family does.

Build loving bridges, not prickly fences.

Blessings,

Karen, www.karenehman.com

Today’s post is the last post in our Back to School series! We really hope you’ve gained some insight and encouragement from it!

68 Comments | Filed Under: Homeschooling, Parenting Tagged With: Back to School series

About Karen Ehman

Karen Ehman is the Director of Speakers for Proverbs 31 Ministries and the author of five books including the best-selling book and DVD Bible study curriculum LET. IT. GO. How to Stop Running the Show & Start Walking in Faith. She has been the guest on national media outlets such as Focus on the Family, Moody Mid-day Connection and The 700 Club. Married to her college sweetheart Todd for over 25 years, together they are raising their three sometimes quarrelsome but mostly charming children in the boondocks of central Michigan. Her desire is through her speaking and writing to help women to live their priorities and love their lives. Connect with her for real-life encouragement at www.karenehman.com.

Amy Dingmann

Absolutely! Great post that should be required reading for anyone who homeschools. I’ve seen some very judgemental phrases being whipped around by moms on both sides of that prickly fence…and it just needs to stop! We need to support each other…isn’t being a mom hard enough without continuing the mommy wars over school decisions, too? GREAT post!
- http://www.servingjoyfully.com/ Crystal
  
  I personally think it should be required reading for those who DON’T homeschool as well, because I’ve been on the receiving end of some pretty nasty comments as a new homeschooling mom.
  - http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
    
    Amen to both of you!
Pingback: Supporting Other Mother’s Schooling Choices | Karen Ehman: Live Your Priorities. Love Your Life.
http://www.inamirrordimly.net Shannon McKee

Karen – I love this post and the beautiful heart that is behind it. Thank you! Love tihs: “Build loving bridges, not prickly fences.” How often we need to remind ourselves to do just that – in all kinds of parenting issues.
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  Thanks Shannon!
Joy

Great post, Karen! I couldn’t agree with you more, and offering helpful, practical tips is so great! Thank you!!
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  You’re wlecome!
Jen

Thanks for posting. Our transition from Public to Home School was ugly, especially from my “close friends”. Seriously, if I heard one more time, “how can YOU teach your children?”. Doing something different from the societal norm spurs on all kinds of reactions and very little were supportive or encouraging.
- http://www.servingjoyfully.com/ Crystal
  
  Jen, my experience has been similar. I’m hoping that once we’ve been at it awhile people will get used to it and get over it.
  - http://thepurposefulmom.com Jenn
    
    Crystal, that’s a bummer that you’ve had that kind of response I think it’s good for everyone, whether homeschooling or not, to be understanding and supportive of those doing something different. Be confident in your choice that God has led you to…most will eventually let it go or at least not comment any more Sometimes people just don’t know what to say or have never considered another way (and this is coming from a mom who has done all three–home, private and public!). Blessings!
  - Jen
    
    Crystal, it’s the double standard that gets me. I wouldn’t think of looking at my friends and say “are your really going to send them to school?” Also, that choosing the different way means I am not allowed to be offended. I am grateful for the friends God has brought around me this year that understand home school and are not judgmental.
  - http://twitter.com/Crisc23 Crystal Cumberland
    
    My family/friends were the same at first but once I started and they seen how educated the kids were..I now have public school moms asking me the laws b/c they are considering it..I’ve even had a few trying to get me to homeschool for them..lol It will get better =)
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  So sorry you didn’t get support you needed. I applaud you for wanting what you feel is best for your kids!
Karen Ehman

Thanks for all the kind words, ladies. Let’s build bridges, not prickly fences!!!
http://psalm23five.blogspot.com/ Nicole Anderson

I love this article! Thank you so much for encouraging moms to do this. As a youth pastor’s wife, it is crucial for me to support all the kids and parents no matter what their schooling options. However, I see that does not always happen! There are often poor attitudes from both sides of the fence. Each parent must make the best choice for their family to educate their child the best way that they are able, and we must all come together to support each other to raise all of the children as our future generation!
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  You have a great perspective!
bethcranford

Thanks for reminding me that I need to be more proactive in building those bridges. I’ve written but hesitated to publish an article tentatively called “An invitation to friendship for all my non homeschooling peers”. It basically offers an apology for the way we sometimes come across as thinking we’re better parents or better christians. Your article reaffirms that this is a real issue. Maybe I’ll revise and go ahead and publish my article.
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  Publish it!
Alysa

Fantastic post! Love it. I’ve been on both sides and this can be such a dividing subject. This is really great.
Amy

Thank you so much for this blog. It was just what my heart needed to hear. After 5 years of homeschooling, our family decided to put our 3 oldest in public school. I have stayed in much prayer. This was a breath of fresh air.
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  Glad it spoke to you!
Lisa Howie

Thanks for a positive post on school choices. I hope a lot of moms get the opportunity to read this and remember that they don’t have to justify their personal decisions by making someone else feel bad about a different choice.
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  Well put!
Cyndi

Such great advice on what is often such a delicate subject. We are both a public and home schooling family and have often been the recipients of judgement on both sides of the fence. Put down the rocks of judgement and focus on your own little chicks!
LauraLee Shaw

Great post, Karen! Two of my kids are in a part-time, parent-partnered Christian school and my youngest is in a full-time Christian school. I’ll never forget the day I was questioned for using our money that way and for not being salt & light in the public school system. I nodded and smiled and told her we had prayed long & hard and we believed God led us to our decision. I’ve known others ostracized for doing public school. I pray that one day that we as Christians will understand that the body of Christ is diverse, and we all need to have the freedom to be fully convinced in our own minds…while still be open to change our course if God leads us. By His grace, for His glory…
StefanieYoungBrown

Thank you, Karen, for this posting!
To God’s glory we’ve been able to send our son to a private Christian school since preschool. For us, it was the only choice.
With that said, we strove not to appear as though our choice was the best of the best, just the best for us.
As far as homeschool, we have several dear friends who have made that choice and find great contentment there. For us, although we’ve given the homeschool route some thought, having our little man where he is is exactly where God has provided and lead.
It is our goal to offer support, encouragement and inspiration to all parents, regardless of their school choice. We’re all believers, following Jesus as best we know how.
- http://thepurposefulmom.com Jenn
  
  I like your viewpoint, Stefanie! That your choice is what was the “best for us”. I think we can all be convicted about schooling in different ways, and those convictions can change depending on where we’re at and what our children need. It’s so GOOD to let the Lord lead and then encourage others in their choices and be a listening ear if they’re looking for a change and needing some “solicited” advice
http://www.servingjoyfully.com/ Crystal

Great post! I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum, as I live in a community of very few homeschoolers, and have been very criticized for my decision. So much so, that I really didn’t even talk about it until this year, when I could no longer avoid it as the questions, “He’ll start kindergargen this year, right?” and “Where is he going to school?” started popping up. I know my voice is timid as I say with what I hope is a confident smile, “We’re going to homeschool.” Only once have I been met with a positive response and it was so encouraging, and I love that woman for it! Other times, it’s always varies from “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” to “what about socializing?” to “do you really think you’ll be any good at that?” (my personal favorite.)
Anyway, supporting public school attendants has never really been an issue in my area, because that’s just what everyone does, but I think this is great advice for everyone, regardless of which end of the spectrum you’re coming from.
And, just good life advice to be KIND to one another, regardless of personal choices. Blessings to you!
Deena

It is so refreshing to hear this “mommie war” is out in the open for this next generation of Moms and reminder “we do not battle with flesh and blood”. I completed my 16th year of homeschool with the graduation of my youngest of 3 daughters last Spring. I had put my son in High School last year at 15 and he is now in public charter New Technology High School again for his Junior year.
So absorbed in my own issue of home school him vs.public school and the older children’s responses (both positive and negative), I had forgotten the people looking down their noses on me in both camps.
Thanks for the reminder to pray for the ones still in the battle. I might suggest to pray for the kids that are caught in the cross fire too. We have a local JC that a lot of home school kids and even public school senior take classes at while completing their High School credits. Yesterday I went to the college to take care of paper work for my two daughters attending and saw so many faces I knew that are homes schooled and in College Connections. Those faces will be in my prayer list this week orf transition along with my son’s friends that I saw at his school who are recent transfers from Home School.
Lord, may their lights shine before man that they may honor their Father who is in Heaven. ~Amen
Mel @ Trailing After God

Thank you, Karen! I’ve been on both ends. I got the ugly comments because we homeschooled and then the ugly comments because after five years, decided to move and put our kids in public school. Parenting is hard, no matter how you dice it and we need supporters. Great advice on an issue that draws so many lines in the sand, when it shouldn’t.
Heather

Such an encouragement to me. My son is only 3 but we have seriously considered homeschooling. And while some of the other moms in playgroup started their kids in preschool at 2 yrs old, we’ve worked with our son at home and he knows just as much as the schooled kids do. I do occasionally worry about when people start to question us on kindergarten.
Jennifer Booth

I have received some negative feedback because our family sends our kids to a private Christian school. Somehow they think we are trying to insulate our kids from the world. If they only knew the truth! We’ve had to deal with the same problems we dealt with in public school. We’re all human. It doesn’t matter where you send your kids to school or if you even keep them home. You’re going to have to deal with life. We knew this going in and have not been at all surprised by anything. I think the choice of schooling depends on your child. You have to do what is best for them.
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  “What is best for them” AMEN!
JessinSC

Thank you for posting this. I feel like sometimes other Mom’s who home school their kids look down on me because mine go to a public school and I work outside the home. Home schooling isn’t for everyone. Being a stay at home mom isn’t for everyone and public school isn’t for everyone. I love the build loving bridges, not prickly fences!!
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  Great perspective!
Melissa Jones

No one has made nasty comments to me about choosing to homeschool our son….but I’m getting kicked out of our MOPS group next year (even though I’ve been on the Steering Team since we started the group) because my oldest child will age out of the MOPPETS (childcare) program and it’s “too much work” to add a room for homeschooled kids. I’ve offered suggestions for how to make it work (easily) and they get shot down. I’ve made a point of mentioning (for the past several years) that it’s not a faceless group of people that weren’t coming anyway that we’re just not accepting into an already full group, it’s _ME_ that they’re _KICKING_OUT_. And no one cares. It’s easier to “give a break” to women whose children are in preschool several days a week than the women whose children are home with them 24-7.

I don’t at all regret the choices we’ve made for our family, but it hurts A LOT for women who have been my closest friends over the past few years to tell me that I’m such a burden to them that I’m no longer welcome in a group that claims it wants “No Mom Alone.”
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  That’s too bad. I was in MOPS when my kids were young and we had two rooms for the homeschooled kids to do work and the older ones helped in the program.
- Jen
  
  Melissa, Community Bible Study has a homeschool program. CBS is similar to BSF. There is probably a study by you.
Janet

Very balanced post. Thank you!
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  thanks Janet!
http://thepurposefulmom.com Jenn

Enjoyed your encouraging post, Karen! It’s so hard for me to give grace sometimes when they don’t see things my way. Thank you for the reminder that we can uplift and pray for each other, even when our schooling choices aren’t the same
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  You’re welcome!
http://www.shannonmilholland.blogspot.com Shannon Milholland

Judging other mom’s schooling choices can just be downright ugly. Thanks for this breath of grace.
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  We all need grace, don’t we Shannon?
  - http://www.shannonmilholland.blogspot.com Shannon Milholland
    
    For sure!
nancys1128

I only got as far as the first 2 1/2 paragraphs before jumping down here to comment. My first thought was where people would get off being so judgemental and questioning another person’s obedience. Maybe they’re doubting their own and rather than deal with obedience at a personal level, they project it on others?
- nancys1128
  
  Just posting again having finished the entire piece. I love the last line about the type of fences to build. As we are created in God’s image, we are created to love others. Building prickly fences definitely does not lend itself to that end. Thanks, Karen, for a great post about supporting those who make different choices, not judging them.
  - http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
    
    Thanks for your comments!
http://www.heidikreider.com/ Heidi Kreider

Karen,
This is a SUPER post! Isn’t it ridiculous what we do to one another? When I opted to homeschool 11 years ago, my friends who were choosing public school tried to convince me that it was God’s will for my son to go with their kids. Now all these years later, I straddle the fences of public school for my now 10th grade son, private school for my 8th grade daughter, and homeschool for my 3rd grade daughter. Each one is right where they need to be. So thankful for the lessons that all these years have taught… the greatest one being tolerance to other’s opinions. Thanks again for posting this! ~Heidi
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  Glad you liked it!
Momma

Thanks Karen. I homeschooled my kids until high school. My husband wanted our 4 boys to to go high school and had said that from the get go. He wanted them learning from other people and knew that I was not that strong in some areas and the mom/son relationship can get tricky in my house. I teach at a local homeschool co-op and can I tell you how floored I was when one of the fellow teachers said to me..”So how is Adam* (made up name just in case) liking high school, any regrets yet?” She didn’t even take a breath from liking it to regretting it. Wow, I learned a lot that day on what not to ever say to someone. Thank you! PS It always amazes me when we Christians judge each other and our choices….sigh. Yes, I know I have been on both sides of it and I am not happy about that.
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  Momma– i agree with you. Judging stinks!
Becky K

Karen, I was just having this conversation today with a friend and ministry leader from my church. Thank you for reminding us all that moms need to unite, not divide, and that showing Christ’s love to others involves supporting choices that are different from ours yet still within the boundaries of faith-filled living. After all, God leads us each to make unique decisions for our families. Who are we to argue with God?
- http://www.facebook.com/karen.p.ehman Karen Ehman
  
  Thanks Becky!
Shannon Brandon

We are a public school family. My son has learning disabilities tha I am neither qualified to teach nor do I have the patience, organizational or relational skills needed to lead him in this area. I am always slightly in awe of the gifting of home school parents and love that this is such a well spoken view from and for each choice.
Joy

Thank you for the very kind and encouraging post! (children currently homeschooled, but have been in public and private school at times)
http://profiles.google.com/cassandra.dorman Cassandra D

Amen, amen, amen. I think it’s so important that homeschoolers don’t become exclusive. I’ve noticed it – and it’s not good for anyone. I choose to educate at home and it has its benefits and also its challenges. I respect all choices when it comes to kids and, truthfully, it isn’t any of my business what another parent chooses. I think often, homeschoolers can come across as very judgmental to parents who choose school. Just as we do not (as homeschoolers) want people to criticize us, we should also work hard to never criticize others about their choices.
http://juliesunne.com/ Julie Sunne

This is powerful, Karen! I’ve long wanted to home school, following the example of several close friends, but my husband did not. I’ve often felt cheated and a little guilty for not home schooling. However, all four children have excelled in public school, praise God! My oldest is entering college this year as a young man with strong character and faith and a passion for the Lord and our country. We each need to follow where God leads: home schooling is not always His calling for Christian families. Thank you so much for your perspective.
Donna

TY Karen.My sons’ schooling has consisted of private Christian, public charter, and only in the last year did the road split on how they are educated. I straddle both worlds, with ds17 homeschooled (only beginning yr 2 now) and ds15 in the local public hs for the second year (and playing JV football!). It’s makes for an interesting perspective! I find I have to do more explaining to the homeschool crowd than the other way around. But when I mention football that helps move the conversation on. What I am most thankful for is to still be home, to have the opportunities to be involved with each son’s activities. I don’t have many close friends still “at home” (a misnomer really, as I spend a lot of my time in the minivan and out volunteering with their many activiies ). There are only a few (a short few) years until my sons are both in college, so I am trying to savor the moments. I think deep down, most Christian mothers want for their children to be pursuing the Lord with fervor…and wouldn’t it be so much easier if a certain type of schooling guaranteed that outcome? There is no sure bet. We must not forget that our children are His children first. He knows the plans He has for them and we must be obedient in parenting them and educating them as He calls us to.
http://twitter.com/scrappyfrog Jeanette Foster

Yes! Thank you for all the reminders on how we can support each other. I just spoke to a friend who lives in another state that is so hurt by the many judgmental comments and reactions of fellow church members and moms when she and her husband prayerfully made the decision to put their son back in public school. So sad that those who are supposed to be like Christ are judging and condemning instead of encouraging and supporting. I have found that some people, when they find out we homeschool, start getting defensive about whatever they do education-wise for their children. I hate that that happens. I always try to reassure them that I do NOT think homeschooling is best, or right for everyone. It just happens to be the right thing for our family right now.
HomeschoolDad

Thanks for a great post with encouraging words! Let’s not forget, though, that 2% of homeschooling parents are the fathers (myself included in that number). It makes me feel left out when publications are written with the strict assumption that the parent homeschooling is the mom. I should be desensitized to it by now but it never ceased to get under my skin. Thanks.
Ashley

My kids aren’t even in school yet, and I have had to deal with opinions about why I shouldn’t be considering homeschooling. Seriously, everyone’s family has different needs. I wish people could just realize this and be supportive!
moziesme

LOVE LOVE this post! As a die-hard homeschooler whose daughter will be in public school kindergarten this fall (homeschooling the other 138 hours of the week), I need the homeschooling community as much as the schooling one – and yet it seems they are at such odds.
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SC

Oh my stars! I love this. Last year, my daughter was pulled out for homeschooling while our oldest boy was still in school. I learned from our situation that every child is different and that neither side of the fence is a perfect place. There are pros and cons to each and all moms need support! I have cried bc I was stuck at home with crying babies while homeschooling and then I have thanked my husband many times bc I was able to have one job of staying home and being able to teach our daughter. Hugs to all mamas. We need each other!
- SC
  
  and to the dads!
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