I Can’t Do This

May 29, 2012 By

I take a deep breath and turn the pillow over – this side is soaked.

Soaked with tears shed after yet another day of failed mothering.

I want so badly to train them well; love them well. But sometimes they just…get in the way.

Then it gets in the way.

Guilt.

The steel-lined satchel that finds itself lashed to my back nearly every minute of everyday.

Shouted at the baby.

Snapped at my daughter.

Gave the mom’s-gone-postal-speech when the five year old accidentally knocked her milk over at lunch.

Oh, God! I cry in the depths of my heart, they hate me. All they are going to remember are the days like these. Full of failure. And when did days like these become the norm rather than the exception? I can’t do this!!

Sunrise on the Camas Prairie

Photo by The Knowles Gallery (Creative Commons)

The warmth of His whisper is so gentle I almost miss it.

You can’t do it, sweet one. But I can. So rest now, listen to the beat of My Heart in the night. Be loved. So you can love.

The baby’s cry pierces the darkness and I stumble to reach him before other bleary eyes appear throughout the house. I scoop him in my arms and we begin the dance. Sway, pat, pat. Sway, pat, pat. As I reach to lay him back in his bed, two pudgy and dimpled hands cup my cheeks as a sleepy, slobbery kiss brushes my nose.

The tears fall again, as the reality of grace washes over this weary mama once more, and I find rest.

Dawn breaks and I creep downstairs in the silvery-blue light of a fresh day. Curled up on my favorite corner of the couch, time-worn leather book layed across my lap, I feast on the Words of Grace. A hearty breakfast for the soul. Why did I avoid this so much? 

Children wake. Husband dresses, drinks coffee. Cheerios spill, baby cries, sisters fight.

Mama breathes and walks in victory because she can’t do it. But she knows the One who can.

 

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61 Comments | Filed Under: Discipling Children, Following God, Parenting Tagged With: , ,
About Jennifer Deibel

Jennifer is your typical American wife and mother living life, raising kids, and working, only she's doing it in Ireland. She has been married to the love of her life, Seth, for 12 years and is extremely blessed to be mom to two delightful girls, and one hilarious little boy. She has a deep interest in creative family worship, marriage enrichment, and pregnancy/birth education and support. Jennifer passionately loves the Lord, her family, music, dance, writing and chocolate. She writes at This Gal's Journey. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.

  • http://thechuppies.blogspot.com/ Kara @ The Chuppies

    And just another reminder of why I love you friend :)
    “…because she can’t do it. But she knows the One who can.”
    I need this.

    • Jennifer

      Aw, thank you, Kara.

  • http://profiles.google.com/cassandra.dorman Cassandra D

    So beautiful. I love your willingness to share. We all have struggles like these… last night I had a seven-year-old who refused to go to bed until 10;30pm…. and you’re right we can’t do it alone. It’s so impossible! Parenting is the HARDEST job here on earth but I know it refines us. You will be like fine gold, Mama! (hug) Cassandra @ The Unplugged Family

    • Jennifer

      Thank you, Cassandra! It does my mommy heart good, too, to know I’m not alone in this struggle! (I have some sleep-avoiders, too. Ha!)

  • http://www.joyfilleddays.com/ Sarah Beals

    We all fail, Jennifer. I have had to on MORE than one occasion go upstairs after lights out in our house and ask forgiveness of my children. If they were already asleep, I would kneel beside their bed to ask forgiveness of my heavenly father…to remind myself that He is watching over them and to set it in hard in my own mind that this cannot be. I struggled with anger early on with children and God graciously delivered me from that sin. I admire you for trying to the right thing. :)

    • Jennifer

      Thank you, Sarah!

  • http://profiles.google.com/cheryl.a.long Cheryl Long

    Mommy guilt…the WORST kind! LOVE this post!

    • Jennifer

      Yes, yes it is! Thank you, Cheryl!

  • becky galyon

    What a blessing to read such realness. Thank you~ just want the Lord ordered for me :)

    • Jennifer

      Aw, thank you, Becky! I’m so glad He used this to touch your heart today! Praise Him!!

  • http://www.piecesofamy.blogspot.com/ Amy Schaffner

    OH Jennifer! I was just talking to some friends about this yesterday and we were all saying the same thing “No one knows what they are doing, Thank GOD He has grace for us while we attempt to figure it out!” I’ve been on that tear-soaked pillow many nights. Grace, grace, God’s grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within………grace that is greater than all our sins!

    • Jennifer

      Amen, Amy!! I would be so lost without His sweet grace!

  • AmyFowler

    I have been at the same place you write about and just when I don’t think I will go back there I do. How many times do I try and fail only to realize that I need to let HIM be in control. Thank you for this beautiful post that reminds me of God’s grace, love and strength in very real way. I know HE loves so faithfully and with that comes to us all kinds of help that we can’t fathom! God Bless you for sharing this very real moment with us….it is a blessing to me. :)

    • Jennifer

      Thank you for your sweet words, Amy! And you are so right!!

  • tiffanyblitz

    This is such a beautiful (and timely!) reminder. Thank you for being so transparent…

    • Jennifer

      Thank you, Tiffany!

  • Becky Daye

    Crying- so beautiful! Thank you!

    • Jennifer

      (((hugs))) love you, friend!!

  • Rachel C.

    This spoke to my weary heart and i am crying too. THANK YOU for being real. :)

    • Jennifer

      (((hugs))) to you, sweet mama!! Take a moment today when you can and let Him love you today.

  • http://www.MomKaboodle.com Stephanie (MomKaboodle)

    I don’t know why I convince myself that I’m the only one that screams uncontrollably at the kids. It’s crazy how we allow ourselves to think thoughts that isolate us, isn’t it? Yeesh.
    Thank you for reminding me that God can usher me through this. I DEFINITELY can’t do this on my own.
    And your words. Oh, these words sound like an echo from my own heart:
    “Oh, God! I cry in the depths of my heart, they hate me. All they are going to remember are the days like these. Full of failure. And when did days like these become the norm rather than the exception? I can’t do this!!”
    Yep. Thanks for being real. We can do this, Momma. With his help, we CAN do this!

    • Jennifer

      You are so, right, Stephanie!! Isolation only exasperates the problem, and our enemy would love nothing more than for us to live in defeat, rather than walk in the Victory He has already won for us!

  • AM

    Thank-you for sharing this, for being courageous, and for letting so many of us others know that we are not the only ones that face these things! God bless you!

    • Jennifer

      Blessings to you, sweet friend!

  • http://www.onefunmom.com Christy

    Oh Jen! So true! Sometimes I’m sad that it took me so long to realize how much I’ve tried to do life in my own strength. But we have a gracious and loving God – so thankful for your words this morning.

    • Jennifer

      I totally know what you mean! It’s those times I have to trust that He wastes nothing!! Love you!

  • arobinsnestful

    Thank you so much for sharing. I relate so much to your words. His grace is the only thing that can free us.

    • Jennifer

      Thank you!

  • Sharon

    Thank you for making me feel more normal! I get so frustrated with myself when I get impatient with my daughter. I sometimes wonder if she hates me, too! I’m always so glad that after a good nap, she is cheerful and happy to see me. Even if when I laid her down for the nap, things were tense between us. It reminds me of God’s mercies being new every morning.

    • Jennifer

      I’m glad I could help! ;) And its so nice that the kids are so grace-giving, too!!

  • Kimberley

    We have those kinds of days here too…..almost every day….but I am also so eternally grateful that even when I am clinging with all of my might trying to do everything in my own power that He is trying to pry it out of my hands and take it from me. It is on the darkest of days that I cry out to Him and (((poof))) it is gone. I’ll never understand why I don’t surrender all of us and our day to Him when we get up in the morning:) Great post and so nice to know I am not alone!

    • Jennifer

      Amen, Kimberley!

  • Dellferkin

    You mentioned guilt in the post. Guilt is indeed Gods grace convicting us so we can do better. We have been programmed to think guilt is from the enemy, but how else does God prick our conscience? If we do yell at the baby then yes, guilt is an appropriate emotion. may our guilt drive us to yield, surrender and abandon all to Christ.

    • http://twitter.com/life_edited Amanda Williams

      Give me whatever points me back to Him.

      I was programmed to think guilt was from God, not as grace but condemnation. I am learning that there is a difference between the conviction of the Holy Spirit and the voice that whispers pure Guilt and Shame into my ear with no hint of love or promise of redemption.

      Jen, I know this burden of guilt you so accurately describe, and I know it well. Thank you for today’s reminder that grace trumps guilt, love trumps shame.

      • Jennifer

        You said it. And said it well!

      • Dellferkin

        I am learning that there is a difference between the conviction of the Holy Spirit and the voice that whispers pure Guilt and Shame Praise the Lord!

        I think that the guilt we feel when we yell at our children is indeed appropriate God given guilt. It is the catalyst that propels us to repentance like these verses point out. 2Cor2:17For see what earnestness this *godly grief* has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishmen

        • http://twitter.com/life_edited Amanda Williams

          Yes! May our guilt bring about earnest repentance and freedom, not empty shame. Amen amen x100.

          Love this discussion. Thanks for starting it, Jen!

  • http://twitter.com/life_edited Amanda Williams

    Also, this: “Be loved. So you can love.” Thank you for that.

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  • http://havenuvrest.blogspot.com/ Judith

    You put this in such an engaging way that kept my attention until the end of the post. I have been there and know God’s mercy through it all.

    • Jennifer

      Thank you, Judith!

  • Katy S.

    Beautiful. And just what I needed to read at the end of this day. Thank you & God bless

    • Jennifer

      I’m glad He used it to touch you, Katy.

  • Barb Spencer

    Great post, Jen. And the guilt doesn’t just happen while our children are in the home; it happens after they’re gone as well. And then, too, we remember that God’s grace is greater still. Thanks so much for the reminder.

    • Jennifer

      Amen, Barb!

  • Barb Spencer

    Great post, Jen. And the guilt doesn’t just happen while our children are in the home; it happens after they’re gone as well. And then, too, we remember that God’s grace is greater still. Thanks so much for the reminder.

  • http://twitter.com/JulieSunne1 Julie Sunne

    Wow! Reliving those parenting-littles’ years through your words, Jennifer. And realizing grace is desperately needed in all parenting stages, including my parenting-now years of teenagers. Let the Holy Spirit convict you through guilt but use it to transform you into a repentant, grace-filled, grace-delivering mama. You are so right, you can’t do it but God can! Praying you enjoy and embrace these years; they fly by so very quickly!

    • Jennifer

      Thank you so much, Julie!

  • Christina Lang

    This is meaningful to me tonight. My husband is away on a business trip and I sit here staring at my computer screen replaying the scene of the day. I. Relate. To. You.

    • Jennifer

      (((hugs))) Praying supernatural strength for you while he’s away!

  • http://candelierious.blogspot.com Lis

    “The tears fall again, as the reality of grace washes over this weary mama once more, and I find rest.”

    This is the biggest thing the Lord has taught me from being a parent: grace. No matter how many times I “messed” up with my son–like punishing him unfairly or losing my patience–he would ALWAYS give me hugs, kisses, want to play, etc. That’s what the Father does with us too. Amazing.

    • Jennifer

      Yes, so very amazing! And humbling!!

  • Inez

    For me, it’s hard to remember that I am first a child of the Father, then I’m everything else– wife, mom, teacher, home-maker, church sister, neighbor, friend, volunteer.
    “You are not enough,” hisses the evil one. Of course he’s right, but he cannot acknowledge the lover of our souls who awaits our dependence on Him.

    • Jennifer

      Well said, Inez!!

  • Debra Kapellakis

    AMEN!

  • http://simplyhelpinghim.blogspot.com/ Joeshelpmeet

    So very true. I go through much the same things, each and every day it seems. It is not in my strength alone. Thank you for sharing :) Stoppin by from the link up :)

    • Jennifer

      You are so right! Thanks for stopping by!

  • Alma

    The lord has spoken to my heart through this article, I felt the lords presence. Thank you

    • Jennifer

      Oh, thank the Lord! I’m so glad He spoke to you!

  • Karina

    LOVED this post. Thank you for encouraging my soul this morning as I walk along this graceroad too.

    http://graceforthat.blogspot.com

    • http://twitter.com/ThisGalsJourney Jennifer Deibel

      (((HUGS))) I’m so glad it was an encouragement to you! Blessings, friend!