How to Discipline Kids {when you want to reach their hearts}

April 17, 2012 By Brooke McGlothlin

Little feet kicked my husband in the stomach. Hands balled into fists pounded him on the chest. Little lungs screamed, “I don’t want to go!!!!!!” Real, hot tears fell on bright red cheeks. A small body exhausted from the tantrum, but still going by a force of sheer will.

What to do?

You might expect me to have a grand theology on effective biblical discipline, but the truth is, I don’t. Most of the time my little one causes me to throw every parenting book I own out the window. He’s an out of the box kid, so I have to get my mind and heart out of the box too. The day after the tantrum I described above, I ended up. . .wait for it. . .

. . . taking him to Cracker Barrel for a date.

Not your usual punishment, I know, but it ended up being a good thing for him. Why?

As I prayed about his behavior, the Lord reminded me of a few very important details.

He’s having nightmares, and has been up 3-4 times a night for over a week. He’s tired.
He’s been sick. Combine this with a lack of sleep and his ability to control himself goes way down.
Big brother gets a lot of Mommy’s attention during the day because we do school together.
Big brother also gets praised on a regular basis for his budding talent on the violin, a privilege my little guy hasn’t been given yet. And the icing on the cake?
Big brother got to play basketball this year for the first time while little brother had to watch from the bleachers. Little brother is jealous.

So what did I do with all of this info?

I allowed it to soften my heart toward my little man, and help me see life from his perspective. He feels like he’s missing out, maybe even like his parents love his older brother more than him. My little boy is aching for some time with us, so I gave it to him. Just an hour or so at his favorite restaurant and nothing more. No new toys, no other special treatment at all. Just a nod from mom’s heart to his that I see him. . . that I know what makes him feel special and I like to give it to him. And I love him enough to want to spend time with just him.

The longer I’m a mama, the less I believe in parenting formulas, and the more I believe in God’s ability to change hearts of stone to hearts of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26). I’m pretty sure it’s God’s kindness that leads us to repentance, and not necessarily His wrath. Sometimes, if we ask and listen, God will lead us to do something out of the box to capture the hearts of our children. After this little episode, I’ve made it a habit to pray and ask God to give my husband and me the hearts of our children while they’re young, so that it will be easier for them to give their hearts to Him when the time comes.

Change your aim!

Friends, I don’t always get this parenting thing right, and my method of dealing with sin may seem kind of backwards, but my goal isn’t to just to change my son’s behavior.

I want to reach his heart.

I don’t want to raise little men who obey for the sake of appearance. I want to raise men who love Jesus deeply enough to honor Him with obedience. And to do that, they have to know and understand the depth of His love for them. There are so many good ways to teach this concept in the home. . .

But shouldn’t the process start with our children knowing the love of their mama?

Have you tried asking God to help you look at life through your child’s eyes before deciding on discipline? Has He ever led you to do something outside of the box? If so, share your wisdom and experience in the comments for us all!

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Have boys? Join Brooke and the MOB Society in the upcoming 21 Days of Prayer for Sons challenge starting May 1, 2012!

31 Comments | Filed Under: Discipling Children, Uncategorized

About Brooke McGlothlin

Brooke is a mom of two young boys who leave her desperate for God's grace. Her pursuit of being a better mom has left her at the foot of the cross, knowing that if God doesn't show up ... nothing happens. This dependence upon God to turn hearts of stone to hearts of flesh leads her to her knees in prayer. She's the author of the best-selling eBook Warrior Prayers: Praying the Word for Boys in the Areas They Need it Most, creator of the 21 Days of Prayer for Sons challenge and co-founder of the well-loved online community for mothers of boys, the M.O.B. Society. She offers hope for change to the hearts of women at her main blog, Surprised By Life.

http://myjourneytoauthenticity.com/ Meredith

Brooke — what a touching story! I love that you heard what his heart was saying through his actions.

Thank you for sharing this sweet moment in your life!
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  Thanks Meredith! I’m learning to listen to actions and try to look beneath them for what my son’s heart is saying to me. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t get real discipline too But I always want to see his heart.
Ashley Olander

I definitely have a strong-willed, out of the box child myself. I have been convicted to parent him in the opposite way we would all think. Less rules, more love and grace. I realized that when I gave him harsh tones and more rules all he wanted to do is break them and I could see that he resented me. How could I ever reach the heart of my son if he doesn’t even like me? This doesn’t mean that he gets to do what he wants, it just means that he gets GRACE first. I realized that God wanted me to show him the exact thing that I get from Him… Love and patience. Exodus 34:6 is my new parenting model. Now my son runs to my arms and loves on me more than he ever has. He also is quicker to obey with a happy heart.. the same thing he got from me!
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  I love this Ashley. Thanks for contributing! That’s exactly what I’m aiming for…I want their hearts because I know God does too. Amen!
http://bohemianbowmans.com/ Jessica

Amen. We want to do so much more than change their behavior or make them obedient.
http://www.servingjoyfully.com/ Crystal @ Serving Joyfully

I am a FIRM believer in my own personal theory that the BEST way to have a disciplined child is to have a present and engaged parent. I think this nips a lot of things in the bud. We get a lot of judgment from friends and family because we don’t believe in corporal punishment. But, we believe that there are better ways to deal with things, and I believe that being present and available to your children is the absolute best way to teach and train them, and you’d be surprised how many parents don’t do this.
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  It’s so easy to get distracted by other things, isn’t it Crystal?
Bowmania

This is great. I have found that with each child, the way you discipline is different. One of the best things I can do for our strong willed child is be encouraging. I ask him for help with a job. One on one time. Where, as you said, he is getting the attention.

We need to gear in our our children and see what makes them tick. When we see that, we start to understand our children better and when the attitudes come, we can handle them the way that will make a difference.
http://www.fullherlife.com/ Amy

Hi Brooke, I loved this post! It’s inspiring to try to reach their hearts and not just their heads. Thanks for sharing with us! ~ Blessings, Amy from http://www.fullherlife.com
Sami

I couldn’t agree more! I used to think my 2 year old was “strong willed,” but since I’ve changed my style to “compassionate parenting” she has become sweet, compliant, and eager to please! Truly, my standards are higher now and she meets them happily! She’s now almost 4 and our days pass in harmony, both of us enjoying our relationship and each other’s company. I love it! I do just try to be empathetic, consider her needs, and encourage her when she fails. God is so patient with us, can’t I be patient with my little girls?
Jennifer Butterfield

I have found the times when I feel the need to REALLY discipline are the times when my ego, my feelings, my own exhaustion , are what is being tapped upon. I believe in more grace less corporal punishment. I have also learned that the more one on one time I spend with my daughter the less tantrums and defiance rear their ugly heads. I wonder too… If Gods wrath is what would compel us to live perfect and harmonious lives, would He have sent His son to save us? I believe every bad behavior needs to be addressed. Some times with punishment, sometimes with a talk but always with the understanding that children will soak up any bad or wrong or ungodly attitude we have, multiply it and then begin using it as their own.
- http://www.servingjoyfully.com/ Crystal @ Serving Joyfully
  
  I totally agree, Jennifer! You put words to my own feelings so much better than I did
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=710510733 Heidi Lettau

I agree wholeheartedly with your post. I think one of the key things for helping me with my strong-willed 8 year-old was figuring out what his love language was. Turns out he is too close to call at this age, but Phyiscal Touch and Quality Time are about equal right now. Figuring that out helped tremendously and now I can stop a squabble with one back scratch.

There is just too much pressure when they are little to do “the right thing”. I wish I knew more when he was younger.
Andrea

Thank you for a great article! I find the more I get to know my Heavenly Father, the more compassionate, kind, and patient my parenting becomes (or that’s the goal at least:). It is no accident that the picture the Lord gives us of His relationship to us is one of the father/child. His character and nature should inform the way I parent – He is slow to anger, abounding in loving-kindness, etc. If we want our kids to have a right view of our God, they need to see these things tangibly displayed in us.

I also have a child that struggles with tantrums and the verse I’ve been focusing on lately is Zeph. 3:17, “…He will take great delight in you, HE WILL QUIET YOU WITH HIS LOVE, He will rejoice over you with singing, the Lord your God is with you.”

We can’t ignore sinful behavior or fail to give consequences when appropriate, but we can do it in a grace-filled, humble, gospel-infused way that points them to their need for our great Savior!
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  Beautiful verse Andrea. Thank you so much for sharing it today. I think I needed it as much as my children!
- Kgoodall
  
  Like Andrea, I am a firm believer in logical consequences for misbehavior (“we can’t ignore sinful behavior or fail to give consequences when appropriate”). The reason for me is that I have 3 kids, and if I do let one child slide for a particular behavior, the other two see it & will call me on it. So I have to be careful to explain that I’m demonstrating mercy – and make sure that I spread that same mercy around in a way that is visible to all of my children.
  
  Of course on the other hand, when I do dole out consequences, I have to make sure that they are logical and not just punitive. I know that in the past I have sometimes forgotten to be “quick to listen, slow to anger” as mentioned in James 1:19. As a result, sometimes my consequences weren’t so logical – and were born more out of frustration rather than love and a desire to shepherd my child back to the right path.
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tm

Great post. Quick story of mine, one day our daughter (3 at the time) was throwing a major temper tantrum. We had to carry her to the house she was kicking and screaming so much, and surely all the neighbors saw it. I was so frustrated with her disobedience and was ready to take her inside and spank her for it. However, God stopped me in my tracks at the doorstep when he unmistakably whispered to me, “Just scoop her up and love on her.” It was so clear, so that’s exactly what I did. Within minutes, she was a different little girl, smiling and giggling, and I know she felt loved.
Mitzi Cline

Thanks for sharing. During my pregnancy with my first child, I was introduce to Danny Silk’s book “Loving Our Kids on Purpose” through a training I was in. It revolutionized my thinking as a child, as a teacher, and soon to be mom. His message was the same as God’s intent and what you have illustrated so beautifully here… to make a heart to heart connection. It’s not about controlling, because we can’t do that. There are always choices and reactions (good or bad) Love it! Thanks again!
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  I haven’t read that book Mitzi, but it sounds good. The longer I parent the more it becomes clear to me that I can’t control…that’s for sure. But there’s such judgement from the world when we say that, isn’t there?
  - http://www.raisingyourchildren.net/ Tina Marantette
    
    Brooke,
    There is a book you may like, it’s called ‘Losing Control and Liking It’ by focus on the family. It is presented as a parenting book for teenagers, but I think moms of young ones will also get a lot out of it. It is about that ‘control’ thing. It will validate your thoughts about not controlling your children. God doesn’t control us, why do we think we need to control our children? Get the book and read it!!! You’ll love it!
Ladonnaelliott

Love that grace became the teaching tool!!!! My children are teens and I continue to find different ways of teaching them and serving as a model! Nice post!
Momndkidz

so true, that we might use everything we know about parenting but there will be times we didnt get what we expect. But when we pray to God and ask Him to guide and teach us how to make things work with our kids. We will b amazed on how He works in ur lives.
http://twitter.com/JessieGunderson Jessie Gunderson

Oh this is such a breath of fresh air. It’s something I’ve known for a while but it’s hard to switch gears sometimes. I love your conversational non-condemning style. This is such a beautiful post. Time to bring out the grace!

While my boy who can throw the biggest tantrum is driving me to tears, he is also the most tender saying daily, “Mom, I’ll never stop loving you.”

Maybe all along he has been modeling the heart God has for use and they very thing he craves from me. Approval and affirmation.

I can’t wait for the 21 Days of Prayer challenge to start!
A Jones

Thank you! I love hearing this from other mamas. I have had a similar journey. I NEVER thought I’d parent like this – it’s so different from my own upbringing, and beliefs as a young single person. I want to save this and read it again and again and again, especially on days that I’m feeling overwhelmed and alone in how I’m trying to reach my parenting goals.
Thank you again. HUG!
http://www.raisingyourchildren.net/ Tina Marantette

My mother in law always disciplined her children by what she thought other mothers would think or what she thought she ‘should’ do. You have hit a key point in motherhood here. You saw what your son needed. He needed a little attention (that’s what a tantrum is all about anyway.) He needed to know he is special.
When my son’s little sister arrived, he started to act up. I decided he needed some special time, so I took him to the county fair and left baby sister home with a sitter. He was so much better after that. He adjusted fine to little sister.
Of course a tantrum should not be rewarded. But to schedule a day to spend with a troubled youngster has high value and can turn away their anger or frustration. It should be presented as ‘me and you’ time, or a ‘date.’ It shouldn’t be presented as a reward, because time together should not be a reward, but something you do because both our children and us moms need it! Good job Brooke!
http://twitter.com/LindseyMBell LindseyBell

LOVE, love, love this post!!
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Kristin

I have been in tears tonight over my grumpy parenting. After pouring my heart out to God, He totally led me to your post. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Tomorrow will be better because of God’s grace.