when you’re not good enough {and the right things don’t work}

January 24, 2012 By Brooke McGlothlin

I’ve spent the last seven years working hard to be the best mom I can be. My husband and I are doing everything we think is right for our kids…trying so hard to give them the best chance at choosing God…following heart-first (and head-first) after what we believe God has called us to as a family.

And you know what? It isn’t working.

My boys drive me to the brink of insanity at least once a day. Sometimes they hate school. Some days they hate me. My husband and I bicker and fight over stupid stuff at least once a month. Some months we struggle financially. Others we struggle to keep the house clean. At least five mornings a week I wake up with a messy kitchen because I was just too tired to clean it up the night before. My bedroom is usually a mess, even though I long for it to be a haven for my husband and I. My boys fight and act out, and today my oldest pointed a gun at my face when I told him no.

It wasn’t a real gun…

But it made me crumble into a pile of snotty mess crying out to the Lord, “Why God? Why do I deserve this? I TRY SO HARD to do things the right way. I’ve given up so much, done everything I can possibly do to give them what they need. I’ve loved them so hard, prayed so well, tried so hard...”

And if I’m honest, I’m hurt Lord…surprised at your lack of response in my time of need. Don’t you know that I write about prayer? Write about raising kids? How can I write about prayer when You don’t even answer mine??

Ugly, I know.

The #1 question I get as the co-founder of a community for mothers of boys is really not all that profound. Wanna know what it is?

“How do I raise boys to love the Lord.”

My answer? You can’t.

There is no parenting book on the market today that can give you this checklist. There’s no equation for producing a godly son or daughter. There’s no gaurantee that your hard work and sacrifice will pay off.

Because salvation doesn’t come by the work of our hands.

There’s nothing we can do to earn our own salvation, and there’s nothing we can do to earn our children’s salvation. No amount of good parenting, wise decisions, prayer, sacrifice or challenges overcome will bring salvation to our homes. Because salvation is not built on works. Not even good works. Not even awesome works.

We are mistaken if we believe that our good parenting moves God in any way to act on our behalf. And while it’s not wrong of us to long for the salvation of our homes, it IS wrong for us to believe that God brings salvation in response to our behavior.

Everything God does, He does for Himself.

“Thus says the Lord God: ‘It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am about to act, but for the sake of My holy Name.’” (Ezekiel 36:22)

We are part of HIS story, not the other way around. And I don’t know why. I don’t know why my pain or yours sometimes brings God more glory than our happiness. I don’t understand why God doesn’t answer my desperate prayers in a way that eases my suffering in this life. But God is not bound to give me abundance by some code of excellence on my part. And what works for your family may not come close to working for mine. Because God created our hearts and He knows the best way to reach them.

Doesn’t seem fair does it?

But what is fairness in the eyes of God? Are the circumstances of my life really not fair? Do I really not get what I deserve when I work so hard?

Oh, but no. No, I do NOT get what I deserve. My life is NOT fair in any way. It’s really not fair that I have two healthy children. It’s not fair that I wake up warm each morning and have plenty to eat. It’s not fair that my car works and my home keeps me safe. It’s not fair that I have access to the medicines I need to control my asthma or that I can vote and worship freely with no threat of persecution. I don’t deserve a decent paycheck or socks without holes. I don’t deserve the love of a husband or new clothes.

Want fair? Want what we deserve? Fair is eternal punishment for our sins. Hell is what we deserve.

But He gave us Jesus.

The kindness of God in giving me His son led me to repentance…salvation. I wasn’t won to Christ by promises of what He could do on my behalf. I didn’t choose to believe because He promised me wealth, success or the salvation of my children. I followed Him because I was a sinner in need of grace. I followed Him because I was found guilty in a court of heavenly law. And when my sins were called in, He stepped in to take my punishment.

So yeah…sometimes I feel hopeless. Sometimes I get angry at God when He doesn’t do what I know He can do on my behalf. And then I remember the magnitude of what He has already done for me. I remember that all things ultimately bring Him glory, and whatever He does do on my behalf is to make Himself known in all the land.

I don’t have to understand it. I just have to look to the Cross to believe it.

How will we respond when all the right things don’t work?

This post was shared at:
• Homestead Barn Hop
• Soli Deo Gloria
• Domestically Divine
• Titus 2sdays
• On Your Heart Tuesdays
• Gratituesdays
• Living Well Wednesdays
• Homemaking Link-Up
• Works for Me Wednesdays
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• Big Family Friday

51 Comments | Filed Under: Boys, Discipling Children, Hope, Prayer

About Brooke McGlothlin

Brooke is a mom of two young boys who leave her desperate for God's grace. Her pursuit of being a better mom has left her at the foot of the cross, knowing that if God doesn't show up ... nothing happens. This dependence upon God to turn hearts of stone to hearts of flesh leads her to her knees in prayer. She's the author of the best-selling eBook Warrior Prayers: Praying the Word for Boys in the Areas They Need it Most, creator of the 21 Days of Prayer for Sons challenge and co-founder of the well-loved online community for mothers of boys, the M.O.B. Society. She offers hope for change to the hearts of women at her main blog, Surprised By Life.

http://vijfminutenvoormam.blogspot.com/ Rita

Thank you very much. This is what I need today!
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  Prayers for you today Rita Thank you for stopping by friend.
Melissa

Thank you, Brooke, for laying out the gospel so clearly. Such a treat to hear the truth. If I didn’t know I would have thought I was reading something one of my pastors had written. Before attending the church I do now, I had never heard the gospel message in this manner. God is gracious and sovereign.
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  Thank you Melissa It’s so easy for me to get self-righteous and then expect God to perform for me. But it’s just not the way it works. Blessings friend!
Kellie Fite Turner

I love this! I have two boys, and some days I could write a book about all the things I feel totally CLUEless about raising them! Today my 7 year old told me to have patience when I told him to put up his toys and come eat. Clearly I am failing as a mother if my child thinks it’s okay to talk to me like that! I’m s glad to know I’m not the only one who loves Jesus, loves her kids and loves to close the bathroom door and lock it just for some alone time. : )
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  It’s a frustrating job, isn’t it? It’s hard to overcome the voices in your head that tell you you’re failing. Thank God for His Word that reminds us of who we really are!
- tara mccoy
  
  You are SO not alone! I’m a homeschooling mom of 3 boys ~ 10, 7, and 3. Oy vey. Some days I just have to run away for a few hours (my hubby is home of course) But it does help to know we are not alone!
Faith Higdon

I needed to hear this today. I am reposting. Blessings to you today, Brooke.
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  Thank you Faith. I needed to hear it too. I’m so thankful that I have access to God’s truth all the time as a reminder.
Kara McSwain

This is exactly what I needed to hear this morning… thank you for being so transparent and honest!!! I’m so thankful to know I’m not the only one!
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  Thank you for stopping by Kara. That’s the beauty of the internet, isn’t it? One of the main reasons I love it is because it helps me know I’m normal
CJ

Love this post.
http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

AMEN!!!! You wrote my heart, Brooke!!! Because I have thrown my hands up at my failed parenting attempts and surrendered to the fact that my children will only know Him by HIS grace, not MY works.
Sure, we are supposed to do our duty and raise our children. But if I think that anything I did is what drew them to the Lord, I am mistaken. My job is merely to prepare the soil, plant the seed, and water it. The Son is what makes it grow and bear fruit.

The question is, what type of soil are we planting in? It cannot be of anger or bitterness; but of love and grace..
Excellent, excellent. Thank you!!
Jaime

Wow, Brooke, you must have a window into my home and my soul today. You described my kitchen, my bedroom, and almost the EXACT conversation I had with the Lord at 2:30 AM when I was up with the baby for the THIRD time. “I’m hurt, shocked, God…I’m trying so hard and pleading and You are…nowhere.” I think I said it again when I had to put the two-year-old in time out FIRST thing this morning. Way to start the day, huh? Raising two boys is HARD, but I am striving every day to do it to the glory of God. Thanks for reminding me this morning that it is not my works. Sent me back to my Father’s arms this morning full of gratitude that His mercies are new each morning. Going to repost if that’s ok. Praying for you.
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  We really have more in common than we do differences, don’t we?
Melodie

I am learning the same lessons. I have 2 sons ages 10 and 14. My 14 year old is claiming to be an athiest during this stage. At first, I crumbled. Wondered what I did wrong, etc. However, I am learning that most teens go through this stage and after all, I want him to CHOOSE God, I do not want to force my beliefs on him. I want him to grow in his relationship with the Lord on his own. I have always prayed that the Lord would take my boys through whatever they need to go through in order to, in the end, choose Him. It is hard, there are lots of tears, lots of prayer, and lots of love. I am learning that all I can do during this stage is LOVE him and allow the Lord to love him through me.
Trish

Wow this really spoke to me today…thank you!!
Darlenedagher

Thank you Brooke for this message. I recently returned to work night shift 11-7 and we have 3 children ages 7,5, and 1. We are all adjusting to this change, I was home for three years! I have been feeling overwhelmed with the house work and the daily chores, because I am tired and have to sleep,sometime! I just keep my Bible with me and reference previous Bible studies that I participated in. You message was like a big hug to my heart, because we try to do the right thing. I need to work but I am thankful for this beautiful life and want to encourage others. Thanks again. be blessed!
Pines2Palms

Beautiful! I have three children…all under the age of 9 currently…and homeschooling all three of them. Days seem long, but the years have been short. I, too, am driven to the brink of insanity at least once a day… Thanks for this post letting me know that I’m not alone in these parenting struggles…that is very encouraging!
Smd25hd

Wow! Thank you so much Brooke. I have been struggling for some time now with the feeling of not good enough. And everything I am doing as a mom is either not working or isnt quite reaching the mark. My husband used to be such a strong christian leader for us and has stepped back from it all recently due to some unfortunate happenings at our last church. Not stepped away from the family, but just being that strong christian example leaving me feeling like I am at it all alone. So thank you for this post letting me know to trust God with my kids’ salvation and walk with Him and not my own works.
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  There’s power in the “not good enough” friend. None of us are…BUT GOD
http://www.thissimplehome.com/ Annette {This Simple Home}

I could have written the second full paragraph. Thank you!

I’m new to this site and MOD…very encouraging!
julie

Are you peeking inside my window? This could be me right down to the western style toy gun that was aimed at me numerous times. Even the t.v. viewing that I try to be so careful and consious of backfired for me. I dvred “Little House on the Prairie” as a wholesome alternative to the mouthy likes of Phineus or Ferb. Well, after Little House gets done, “The Brady Bunch” came on. I was cooking dinner and I wasn’t paying close enough attention to what came on the t.v. It was the episode where Bobby Brady writes a report on the gunman, Jesse James! Of course now I’ve got eight and six year old western style bad guys who randomly shoot! I caught him using his Christian school owned macbook photo booth to take pics of the two of them using a rubber knife and toy gun. Of course I talked to them and we deleted them, but….I’m still hoping the school doesn’t call me over this one. They have “eyes” on everything we see or do on the school laptop!! Yikes. My kitchen is often a mess…my bedroom definitey isn’t a haven. My husband teases me about “Horders” because of the various stages of laundry piled in our room. Last night I was angry at him because he, in front of the boys, called the hotdogs (yes, healthy fare!) “lumpy” looking and the macaroni “funny” looking. I so needed to read that I’m not the only one. I look at so many blogs that leave me feeling “not enough”. You are a blessing!!
- LeAnn Barr
  
  Oh Julie – that sound so much like my house. I have an almst 4 year old and try so hard to watch what he sees on t.v. – but sometimes I fail. I admit my son watches Spongebob and other shows – but I have turned them into a learing experience for him. As things happen on the shows I explain to him that we don’t that or do this instead. He has done real well and now tells me what to do and not to do. My husband does those same things too.
  
  Just knowing we aren’t alone makes it easier to cope. I would love to have and keep a totaly spotless house – especially bedroom – but it is just not possible – mainly because when my son asks me to stop folding clothes and play with or hold him, etc., I stop and do what he wants. He will only be this age once and my clothes, chores, will always be there but he will only be little once.
http://www.greekrootsinamericansoil.com/ Michelle

After 19 years of motherhood, there are days (especially with my oldest), that I wonder, “Do I really know what I’m doing as a mom?” Thank you for this beautiful reminder that it’s okay to not be the *perfect* parent and God’s grace and love is there for us.
Jena

I look forward to your posts. Thank you for being completely honest and upfront. Sometimes we forget, it’s out of our hands.
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  Thank you Jena I love this community.
LeAnn Barr

Thank you so much for sharing this today – I totally needed it. It is so nice to know I am not alone in this. It seems everyday of my life is a struggle of some kind – but I can and will make it. That is the great thing about God – he is forgiving.
Dancerpolly

Just BEAUTIFUL Brooke!!!!
Mandadyck

how nice it is to know some of the bloggers I follow are not perfect thanks for sharing. i need to remind myself often that i really do deserve none of the good things i have
- http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin
  
  Oh friend…I couldn’t be further from perfect!
http://impressyourkids.org lmilla

This is breaking my heart – daily I am dealing with so much of this – and I forget to look to Christ. I know I’m not able to do anything in myself, and I am forgetting that I don’t have to… so hard…
http://journeytoepiphany.wordpress.com/ kd sullivan

God can always answer an honest heart. Your honesty is beautiful…and helps young moms when they have an “I’m not perfect” moment. Keep up the words of encouragement!
http://www.inamirrordimly.net Shannon McKee

Sweet Brooke! I ADORE this post. Your honesty. Your conclusion. All of it. And what a great promise to a community where we are all wanting to be the best moms we can be. Resting in God’s grace is the safest place for us AND our kids. Thanks for sharing your heart, friend!
http://www.facebook.com/people/Lalaith-Morris/751782199 Lalaith Morris

Thank you so much for this. It is just a reminder that I am not the only one who feels like a complete mess from time to time. I look at everything that I don’t do or can’t do, and I feel like I don’t add up to be the woman that God wants me to be… the mother that I am “supposed” to be, the wife that my husband needs me to be. But if we just rely on God’s comfort, we can make it through to another day.
http://bluecottonmemory.wordpress.com/2012/01/22/punching-urges-and-other-blessings/ Bluecottonmemory

Those hopeless moments are God’s faith moments. I have learned more about “Faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen” in raising my boys. I have learned challenges are journeys – and that while they cannot earn their salvation – I can show them the path to the Father – introduce them to the Father so that they know the way, will go there on there own.

I’ve given up on my kitchen being cleaned every night, the socks being perfectly matched. The harder I tried to be “perfect” – the less I think my boys saw a perfect home. When I focus on loving my family – then my home is what I really what it to be~!
http://www.accidentallygreen.com Hilary Bernstein

Oh, this is so true! How completely right about what is truly fair (and how all of our blessings really aren’t fair). I’m glad I’m not the only one being driven to the brink of insanity by the same issues.
Jennifer Maassen

Yes, you and I are in a similar place. I want my life to turn out like I planned it. I deserve it. I certainly don’t deserve to suffer…so says my flesh. It is a challenge to live each day in true thankfulness of the fact that this is God’s perfect will for me, even though it looks messy, and sometimes, life hurts. Thank you, Brooke.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Mary-Brigham/1666839486 Mary Brigham

Oh, how I needed this today! I also have two boys, ages 8 and 3 (and two girls in there, too) and I struggle so much with my eldest. The cruel things that he does and says to his younger siblings just break my heart…especially when all they do is look up to him. So much so that I’ve become concerned about his salvation and where his heart lies. I’m troubled by the carelessness and selfishness I see in him. I know we’re all human and none of us are by any means perfect, but the sweetness that he used to have…I just can’t find it anymore! I pray for his spirit and I pray for his heart to turn around…praise God that he is only 8! And praise God that he is home with me and I know what is influencing him…he is so easily tempted into “meanness”. I’m hoping we can get to the bottom of his issues -whatever they are – and see that sweetness return to him again. In the meantime, thanks for this reminder that as much as I would like it to be (sometimes…), his salvation is not in my hands. Big picture, big picture…
H.j. Vincent

Wow! I agree and have struggled with this myself as I hear those parents of 3, 4 and 5 year olds around me saying how their child has accepted Christ as Savior and I can’t get my 7 year old to do it and again I feel a failure! Thanks soo much for posting this! My mantra, when I remember, is simply that God is God and we are not, He can do it, but He may not! It truly is all about His will and I love that you said we are part of His story, He is not part of ours! Amazing! Thanks for this blessing!
Helene Rasmussen 79

Thank you so much for your honest writing and great insights!! It’s good to know I am not in the trenches alone. <3
Donotdistrubblog

Thanks for posting and sharing your vulnerable heart. It is always great to be reminded of the Gospel Truth….I am not but I know the great I AM.
Kim

Thank you for writing this. I have four boys, 8,6,4 and 9m. Sometimes I feel like giving up. It seems like I try so hard to keep it together. And I relate to your comment about waking up to dirty dishes in the morning being too tired to do them the night before. Even as I write this, I am listening to bickering between the older 3. I often wonder how the Lord thought I could ever do a good job raising 4 boys! But His mercies are new every morning, when I choose to see them;) Even though I pray every day and seek God’s wisdom, I find that encouragement from other godly moms is like water in a dry and thirsty land.
http://www.queenieslittlekingdom.com/ Wanda

Fantastic post! I love every word! Well, except about the gun in your face! haha!

I’m an older mom (my kids are college & HS), but I totally remember the days of ARE THEY GOING TO TURN OUT ALRIGHT???
And the answer is YES!
Give them all the foundation you can in Christ and let THE HOLY SPIRIT do HIS WORK!!

I still can’t believe God allowed me to share in HIS great work in my kids!

Be encouraged, friend!
http://aboverubies.net/ Far Above Rubies

Thank you for sharing, Brooke. Much to ponder.
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http://MommaMindy.wordpress.com/ MommaMindy

I’ve felt this same way for 25 years of parenting. What I’ve learned, is that if all OUR ways worked perfectly we would be very, very proud. Yes, it is important to try, to read, to pray, to have a good testimony, parent with passion and purpose, but in the end, it is all about grace. If we’re trying to transform our children by our parenting, those things become filthy rags. It is as if we are trying to earn their salvation for them. I loved your HUGE line “Salvation does not come by the work of our hands.” After 25 years of parenting, my kids are going on for the Lord, despite many bumps in the road, but I know it is all God’s grace and His work in their lives. That’s the best news. Grace means my failures didn’t count against them, they still had the chance to get saved and live by faith.
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Jen

Fantastic post! This hits VERY close to home for me. Thank you for the reminder of what is and isn’t fair. I’ve got 3 boys and I often sit here and wonder why I can’t be good enough, why I’m not patient enough, why I can’t do more in a day, why I can’t stretch the budget farther. The times I have tried to go back to work I’ve basically been told that my experience isn’t specific enough, my education isn’t good enough and that my schedule isn’t flexible enough. It’s humbling and frustrating and in the end I always end up praying that God will be glorified in whatever I can do.