I Don’t Belong Here

January 10, 2012 By Amy Roberts

I walked into the country club dining room clinging tightly to my husband’s arm. I had agonized over what to wear and was thankful I had chosen very dressy over sort-of dressy as I scanned the sea of men and women wearing expensive formal wear.

What in the world was I doing here?

I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t have a highfalutin career and I had purchased nearly everything I was wearing at a thrift store.

“I’m just a mom,” I kept thinking over and over.

I had been in this position before as the wife of a husband in corporate America. I had seen the blank stares when I said I stayed at home with our 6 children. I had shut down entire conversations with the words, “I homeschool.” I was an anomaly and I would spend entire evenings trying to figure out how to convince people staying at home with my children hadn’t dissolved my brain to mush. I even thought, “If I could just slip in the fact that I’m a writer and a conference speaker or that I have a degree in English, then I would gain a legitimate place in this gathering.”

But, even when I did manage to mention my outside-the-home status, I didn’t feel any better. I told myself I just didn’t belong here. I was a second-class citizen in a first-class world and I would never fit in.

So, I gave up. I would sit there quietly and listen to office gossip, corporate politics, and a host of other things outside my realm of influence, never considering that I was sitting smack dab in the middle of my realm of influence.

You see, every time I say, “I stay at home with my 6 children,” I hear some form of disparaging remarks about children being awful and irritating and how I must be a saint or super woman. Usually I just smile and move on.

But what does that say?

It says only the most amazingly patient and organized woman could ever do this job. Letting others believe a lie like that is doing a tremendous disservice to myself and the women around me. Worst of all, it ignores God’s mercy and grace in my life.

So, as I sat at that beautifully decorated country club table amongst women who had never stayed home with their children fielding questions about being organized and patient, I took a leap of faith. Instead of my customary embarrassed smile, I said,

“Many people assume I am super patient and highly organized and that’s the only reason I can do this, but I’m not any more patient than anyone else. I do this by God’s grace. I couldn’t do it any other way.”

The truth is I don’t belong here.

No Christian truly belongs here. I live this life as a testimony to the Lord. Rather than wondering whether or not I fit in, I should be wondering if I am being the hands and feet of Christ. I should be wondering if my words and actions match my faith. I should be wondering if people see God’s perfect peace and unfailing mercy being lived out daily in the life of “just a mom.”

47 Comments | Filed Under: Homemaking, Homeschooling

About Amy Roberts

Amy of RaisingArrows.net is the homeschooling mother of 6 living children and one precious little girl named Emily being held in the Lord's arms. Her days are filled with giggly girls, rambunctious boys and sticky baby kisses. At night, she writes about it all. It is her deepest desire that out of the overflow of her heart, her mouth should speak...and her fingers type.

Jennifer

I have had so many if those moments myself! Different issues, different circumstances, but same internal dialogue. So true!
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Blair Allen

Amy, this post is the best post I have read in a very long time! Thank you for letting us know we may not belong here but we aren’t alone in that either.
http://kostbaar.blogspot.com/ Jedidja

Thanks, I read this with a smile.
http://messstressandbless.blogspot.com/ Ashley B

This is a great post! . . especially for new stay-at-home moms (SAHM) or seasoned moms who are overwhelmed and doubting their worth being home with their children. I too have felt out of place, even with other SAHM’s who don’t enjoy being home with their kids. Sadly, I was a mom like that and am so glad that God changed my heart to not focus on my worth in other’s eyes, in relation to worldly standards or for my own vanity. My worth is in Him, and it’s in his arms that I always belong.

http://www.raisingarrows.net/ Amy @ Raising Arrows

I was a mom like that too, so I know firsthand the benefit of moms who truly love being mothers speaking that truth into other’s lives.!

Jamie (@va_grown)

What a wonderful, insightful post. Since we live in a rural area, being a housewife and stay-at-home mom doesn’t have quite the same stigma as in other places. I get caught in the middle a lot. Farm families want to know how in the world I can stand missing my children grow up and who in the world is taking care of my family while I’m working–then there’s the office stigma of people who take too much time off to be with their families and talk about their kids too much when no one else cares. Both sides deserve a thoughtful, graceful answer that might shine some light for them.
http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com/ Rachel @ finding joy

Excellent post, Amy!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1037301122 Beth Yenca

What’s sad is not only do I feel this way at social gatherings with moms who work, but I also feel this way with the SAHM crew. One mention of homeschooling and the looks I get are very telling…It’s sad and heartbreaking at the same time. I know I don’t do this for my glory, but for His Glory. In the end it comes down to what I did to obey Him. Thank you for the post.

http://www.raisingarrows.net/ Amy @ Raising Arrows

That’s right! Just keep trusting.

http://forjourneyssake.com/ Niki

I have been here before on a smaller scale. At fist I was very uncomfortable, but now fter homeschooling for seven years they tend to look at me a little differently. A little. Thanks for a great post!
Kathy Sykes

AMY!!! Bravo!!! This is a post worth keeping for years to come. The last few lines sum up what I hope my life turns out to be. I am and have been in corporate America and I DO NOT belong and DON”T want to belong. I BELONG to Christ and am proud of it!!! Those who are like-minded get me and I get you!
Love you sister!!
Tangi

I LOVE THIS! And AMEN!!!! Thank you for posting this. “I am a poor wayfaring stranger, while traveling through this world below.”
http://www.facebook.com/people/Kimberly-Sanders-Perez/682973347 Kimberly Sanders Perez

Good stuff.
Elvisgirl

Amen!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1367062260 Jennifer Ross

Great post Amy!!!
http://www.fieldstonehilldesign.com {darlene}

GREAT post.
Lady_rebel_tn2003

I loved this !!!!
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GQJKKFSFFOLZ3ZZS343PEFLPL4 sheila

Thank you!
http://www.thedaisyhead.com Connie, the daisyhead

So true and insightful, Amy! Very often, the enemy tries to cripple us with lies about our self-worth. The truth is that God plants us and then uses us~ right where we are. Thanks for the reminder that even “just moms” can make an impact in the Kingdom.
http://www.themostperfectgift.blogspot.com/ Dawn @ The Most Perfect Gift

What a wonderful post!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1486806950 Jamerrill Stewart

Yes, I love it! You tell’em Amy!!
Anonymous

So beautiful Amy! Thank you for the wise words that I too need to live out.

“I should be wondering if my words and actions match my faith. I should be wondering if people see God’s perfect peace and unfailing mercy being lived out daily in the life of “just a mom.””

By God’s grace and His alone that I even attempt teaching my beautiful children. This is my ministry right now and it needs to be shared. Thank you for putting into words something I needed to hear! Many Blessings to you and your family!

http://www.raisingarrows.net/ Amy @ Raising Arrows

Thank you, Amy!

Shanon Welch

Your blog is so refreshingly honest. I am not a homeschooling mom. I have four girls, and I teach public school. I’ve been on the other end, in which I am the only working mother in the group and feel so out of place. I am judged as a bad mother for working outside the home, even though I believe with all my heart I am doing what God has called me to do. They act as if they have it all together, and you may not be part of the group if you don’t. If we could all realize that women need each other, regardless of our “occupations”, to lift each other up and remind each other of God’s love and the peace He offers, the world would be a better place. Life is hard. We shouldn’t make it harder for each other.
fivelittlearrows

Thanks for the timely post! As usual, you have really helped me to regain my focus on what is most important – the TRUTH of why I am doing this. I have one of those dinners this Saturday evening and have been dreading it. But now my heart is so much more peaceful…Heb. 11:13-16 keeps running through my mind. We are just strangers and pilgrims passing through. The work we are doing will last for eternity.

http://www.raisingarrows.net/ Amy @ Raising Arrows

Wonderful!

April Harris

That was a wonderful response to their questions. Well done! No one is ever ‘just’ an anything. What you are doing as a mom, as a housewife, homeschooling – it’s all incredibly important – not just to your own family, but to the world as a whole.
Kim

I have a ton of respect for stay at home moms. They have the patience of Job. In this day and age I am shocked that another mother (working outside the home or inside the home) would judge another mother. We are all trying our best to make a home. I work full-time because I have to in order to send my child to a Christian school, have family vacations, put food on the table and not struggle for the ordinary things in life.

If I could make a suggestion for this site as far as homemaking…how about some simple recipes/fast for those of us that do work.

I love this site. Thank you for all your hard work.
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http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002951529625 Jenny Kurtz

Being a fellow homeschool mom, reading your post was very encouraging. This helped me to remember why I chose to do what I do and that it’s God that led me there. I am proud to be a homeschool mom! Thanks Amy.
http://roomforpatience.blogspot.com/ Christina

Props to you for putting yourself out on a limb! I’m curious to know, what sort of response did you get when you credited God?

http://www.raisingarrows.net/ Amy @ Raising Arrows

Very good response actually! I think quite often feeling out of place isn’t all other people…there’s a little bit in our heads too.

http://twitter.com/happywivesclub Happy Wives Club

So, so true. We have a bad habit of seeing judging ourselves in a way completely opposite of the way God sees us. What we see as lacking purpose, He sees as being our purpose. It’s a challenge most of us have, to learn to live our lives for an audience of One.
Beth

This is the BEST thing I’ve read in a long time. Someone asked me just yesterday my occupation, and when I said ‘homemaker’ he looked perplexed. Then he asked if I was done having kids (after calling me ‘crazy’ for having 2) and when I said yes, he asked if I was ‘retarded’….I’m tired of the social norm. I’m finding that in today’s day and age, we all have to be “good with being misunderstood”…because there will always be those (even in our families) who may not understand or accept our choices in life, but as long as we’re following Christ’s calling…then it’s all good ; ) Thanks again for your encouraging, truthful thoughts!
Beth

LOVE this post. Best thing I’ve read in a LONG time. It was great, esp. after being called “retarded” for wanting more than 2 kids yesterday, by a stranger. I’m learning that it is a liberating thing to be “good with being misunderstood”…oftentimes, even our own family members won’t understand or accept some of our decisions…such as being a homemaker, home school mom, career gal, etc. but it’s okay…Christ doesn’t call everyone to do the same thing…otherwise, we’d all be missionaries in China. I love what another commenter said below about extending grace to each other. That is loving ‘well’.
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http://katiewithoutrestrictions.wordpress.com/ Katie

What a fantastic post. I’m not a mom yet, but I someday hope to be a stay at home mom, and I know there are a lot of people who would look down on that! Thanks too for the reminder that we truly don’t belong here ~ I struggle at times with feelings that I don’t fit in, and I have to remind myself that I’m not supposed to!
Jessiperez10

I just experienced this when I was standing with my husband at a resort full of rich fuddy duddies and they popped the question. Yeah…conversation came to a screeching halt when I said stay at home and I thought I had killed em when I said Home School! Anyhow, I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable but NOT anymore. I am a child of Christ, I am a.stranger I’m this world, I’m just passing through! Heaven is my home and I’m going to keep my eyes set on my Redeemer! I missed the perfect opportunity to be a witnesses because I let the enemy get me where it hurt…but I won’t make that mistakes again! Thanks for the excellent reminder!
Nayeli_deluna

Ahhh how wonderful! you have made my night.
KimT

Girl…you been reading my mail! I can so relate to you here. I laughed out loud when you wrote, “I have shut entire conversations down with the sentence, “I homeschool.” YES! So been there! You put into words EXACTLY what is in my heart! Way to go on a job that is MOST IMPORTANT!!!
MrsW

Thank you so much for being so honest, Amy. It’s so easy to get intimidated and let our fears quench our witness for Christ. I needed some encouragement just now with a preschooler being homeschooled, a ten month old, and being in the throws of early pregnancy morning sickness, I have been feeling awkward and isolated and pre-judged to be a super woman. And yet you reminded me that it’s in our weaknesses that God’s grace and strength are the most glorified. I definitely feel as though I have no idea what I’m doing and perfection is so far away I can’t help but laugh at the thought of it. Praying God continue to bless you and your family and us through you by His all-sufficient and never ending grace. Love in Christ!
Sarah
Sara L.

This is so true! We are citizens of heaven, and are foreigners here. Foreigners in a land with xenophobia.
http://trainingheartsathome24.blogspot.com/ ruth

Recently someone told me that I must have really easy children since I have five. I proceeded to nicely let her know that we have every personality type over here including the really challenging child. Thank you for the encouragement to give the glory to God instead of shying away in embarrassment. I love what you said.
http://www.handfulofellers.blogspot.com/ Kathy

We are selfish. When you say you have 6 children someone else hears that although the struggle and pray every night for their 2–youre doing it better. Sad thing is I KNOW that is not what YOU mean

I dont want to be huge Debbie Downer but I KNOW EXACTLY what you mean. I feel that way in most situations. I’m alway sthe one to speak out of turn or talk to loud, burn my potluck dish or turn up 30 minutes late and never quite fit the “Christian women” model.

Yet I’m way too rigid and moral in the “real world”

I don’t have chickens or wear all skirts yet I dont read romance novels and watch day time soaps either.
The irony is that the ones who arent accepting me..think I am judgimg them.
Mrs. E

My husband is a public school teacher, I’ve stopped conversations among his co-workers just by showing up! Some teachers and parents of his students were angry with us when we first started homeschooling. A few parents even demanded a meeting with him to “get to the bottom of this”. Sigh.

People who used to be quite friendly now look the other way when seeing me at athletic events. Glad I read your article before I gear up to attend another event to cheer on my husband’s team.