Surviving the Strong-Willed Child

December 22, 2011 By

No two children are alike. I have five distinctly creative and individual children. One of our five has flipped me off my feet with my parenting skills. You see, I thought I had skills. We’ve worked our system and seen desired results with our other children. The results that we sought; our children’s hearts. But not each child will willingly hand their heart right over. This child, my only girl and for further analysis, also my middle child, has made me work.

girls jumping by forhisglory, on Pix-O-Sphere

Our daughter quickly earned the nick-name “Thunder Hoof.” She controlled every situation and dynamic that she could insert her tiny finger into. I was drastically thrown off of my parenting high horse and into the world of grabbing for a life line.

Jesus, help me.

That being said, our daughter is intensely creative, funny and vivacious. She keeps us in stitches with her antics. I love her so much. In the past 6-months we’ve had great progress. As we both are growing in the Lord we are enjoying one another more.  She’s able to verbally express areas that make her feel frustrated. We talk about situations and ways to handle those situations differently. And we talk a whole lot about Jesus and what He expects out of us both.  We’re both a work in progress, but I’m thankful for this journey.

I’m still in the thick of this. So this is not a post that will give you all the answers as to how I tamed an intense creation. Here are my life notes so far.

  • I’ve had to trust God. On the very hard-challenging-why-do-you-act-this-way-days, I’ve had to trust Him. Lots.
  • I have worked for her heart. The Lord showed me that I didn’t have my daughters heart, and that was our big problem. He has shown me ways to reach her heart that I have had to cultivate. Simple things like cooking, coloring, and reading together. No longer do I look at these as day-to-day activities. I set my mind “on purpose” to reach her through her interest and our time together.
  • It’s not all about her. Oh no, God knew I needed her, and she needed me. I’ve worked for every smile and tender moment. The Lord has shown me several yucky areas of my own heart; pride, impatience, and selfishness to name a few.
  • There is a purpose, His purpose. My daughter’s personality is so intense and fiery at times because she will need to be a strong woman for Jesus in this world. I cannot imagine the world in which she will be a wife and a mother. She will need every drop of determination and spunk to shine her light for him.

And that is all I have for you at this point of our journey. I’m endeavoring to enjoy and delight my strong-willed child.  Although honestly, I still have days in which I’m just nearly surviving.  Parenting is a fulfilling and self-sacrificing job as it is, and throw a strong-willed child into it, you’ll find yourself clinging to the cross. Which is where I need to be anyway.

During this process of parenting a strong-willed child, there are three books that have helped me greatly.

Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp

The Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson

Dare to Discipline by James Dobson

*These are my affiliate links…it costs you nothing extra to shop through them. The small % I may make in turn goes back to buy more great books for our homeschool.

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45 Comments | Filed Under: Discipling Children, Family Management, Following God, Girls, Hope, Parenting
About Jamerrill Stewart

Jamerrill Stewart has been married to her best friend Travis for nearly 15 years. They make their home in the gorgeous Shenandoah Valley where they are raising 6 beautiful babies (baby, 2, 3, 6, 9, 12) for Jesus. Jamerrill has a passion to help families afford the homeschool life; she does so each day by providing homeschool freebies, deals, and encouragement at Free Homeschool Deals. Join the Free Homeschool Deals growing community of 21,000+ families on Facebook. You can also join the happy homeschool pinning on Pinterest! And sign-up for the free eBook: Homeschooling for Free and Frugal.

  • http://www.thecolorspectrum.blogspot.com/ Colleen

    I have a two and a half year old son who has an incredibly strong will and it makes me wonder what I am doing wrong as a mother at times for sure. I am curious when you write about having your child’s heart, how do you do this?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1486806950 Jamerrill Stewart

      Colleen, for me it is daily praying for my children, and focusing *my heart* on them. For my very strong-willed child, I have to purpose even more to pull her to me. Inside of letting her “go play” I often take her with me to change baby diapers, shuffle laundry, or butter bread. I look for little ways to pull her close. I’ve had to ask the Lord to show me ways to reach her, because some days I’ve felt lost. Currently, she has taken an interest in sewing; you can quickly guess that momma got her sewing basket out! :)

      • http://www.thecolorspectrum.blogspot.com/ Colleen

        Thank you very much, that helps.

        • http://www.thecolorspectrum.blogspot.com/ Colleen

          I should try the books you mention. I made the mistake of reading a popular, non Christian parenting book and the strategy was…well, very simple. In essence, we wouldn’t have so much trouble with strong willed children if we would simply allow them to do as they please. :) It wasn’t quite what I was looking for…:)

    • Laurie Wallin

      For me it means partnering with God’s work in our kids. Finding ways to bring out what’s good in their natural tendencies. Not overspiritualizing the challenging behaviors (which, in my experience only leads to defeated, guilt-ridden parents). Prayerfully learning to reframe and redirect while directly teaching a child God’s way of doing things. I’d recommend a couple of resources: Setting Limits and Raising Your Spirited Child. They give great tools for parents to help kids make the best use of those strong-willed traits :) .

      • http://www.thecolorspectrum.blogspot.com/ Colleen

        Thank you so much. I do appreciate the recommendations and advice! Merry Christmas!

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  • Laurie

    Oh, I so could have written this post except mine would be about my now 13-year old boy. Yep, I thought with the first two kids that I really had my parenting act together. Ha! From the bassinette he has been strong-willed but a wise person told me to reach his heart instead of merely training his behavior and what looked like character flaws 12 years ago would become strengths. And now as he is entering young manhood that is oh so true. He needs God working in him to keep those passions working for good and it is a beautiful thing to see that happening more and more.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1486806950 Jamerrill Stewart

      Yes Laurie, exactly! What I was seeing as “flaws” the Lord has shown me will be her strengths….as long as momma can keep her peace in the process. :) Thank you for sharing about your son!

  • http://theimperfecthousewife.com/ Gail @The Imperfect Housewife

    I understand this all too well! For me, it is my firstborn. And she’s a girl. :) She reminds me all too much of me. Stubborn, bull-headed, controlling… oh the list could go on! Yet she is very smart and intelligent and fun. She is balanced really, it’s just that the first characteristics come out first and stronger! Thank you for sharing this. I think all too often I try to handle it on my own instead of doing what I can and trusting God for the rest! Thank you for the encouragement!
    Gail

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1486806950 Jamerrill Stewart

      Gail, I ended far too many days in tears and total frustration trying to deal with this myself. Then I thought, “boy, I can’t do this…help me Jesus!” Sometimes I wish I’d “get it” sooner, but my own strong-will is being refined in this process. God knows what we need!

  • Yasmin Alberto

    This post is SO timely for me! My “middle” daughter (now that the baby is born, she’s no longer the middle, but she was the middle for 8 years!) has really been the one that has made me work hard as a mom! I told my husband that God gave her to me just to show me the areas I need help in because it’s those areas that she needs most from me. So reading that same thing in your post really helps me to know that I’m not alone! I used to think that spending time with her reading, nail painting, cooking, etc. was more of a chore. But now I look forward to those times because I can use them to show her the love of Christ and to win her little heart over. Please read my post on her here: http://growingp31woman.blogspot.com/2011/12/marissas-journey-part-i.html

    Thank you for your post, I absolutely love your blog!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1486806950 Jamerrill Stewart

      Sometimes for me spending that time with her has felt like a chore; but that only shows that my heart isn’t right. I’ve done it “in faith,” even when my human feelings didn’t line up with what I knew to be truth. Now I’m seeing the fruit of being purposeful about my time with her, but it’s been a journey!

  • Patti

    Children come into this world with their own personalities. My son, now 18, has always been a challenge – when I was trying to control him rather than work with his personality. He is who he is and I can’t change that. He doesn’t always follow the road I plan for him but I know God sent him to me and watches him when I can’t. He is a good child (deep down) – I constantly have people tell me about the kind things he does ( that I can’t even imagine he would do!) and how polite he is. He makes excellent grades because he challenges himself more than we do. He has always been liked by everybody – popular or not. But he is rebellious and will not take the easy path. He makes his own life very difficult. We just have to love him, set the rules, require him to abide by them or pay the consequences, and watch him make mistakes and learn from them. I told him the other day that if he put all that energy he uses to rebel and resist into following along with society, he would soar. It is very hard and painful to watch, but it is just the way he is and always has been…. from the first day in the hospital when he ripped off his baby cap, when he went to first grade and refused to take the tests or do homework, when he went to junior high and got 15 demerits in 3 weeks (until he realized they meant what they said), when he went to high school and didn’t want to follow the crowd, to his first semester in college where he made straight A’s but was suspended from the residence hall. Challenging… yes!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1486806950 Jamerrill Stewart

      That’s right Patti, God will use strength that He has put in your son! :)

  • http://gracefulabandon.blogspot.com Lisa Grace

    I love Shepherding A Child’s Heart. We also love Raising Godly Tomatoes around here; the most helpful of the myriad of books I’ve read (and we have STRONG willed children around here, lol!). Thanks for sharing your wisdom :)

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1486806950 Jamerrill Stewart

      Lisa, I love Raising Godly Tomatoes too. Many nights I’ve read through that entire book!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1577243094 Carlisa Rogers

      I’ve never heard of this book, but I’m gonna google it. Thank you.

    • Lauriewallin

      I’m looking forward to checking out the Tomatoes one. Haven’t come across that one. I also loved Setting Limits and Raising Your Spirited Child. Two great resources that don’t overspiritualize a child’s strong willed nature – they simply give great tools for parents to help kids make the best use of those traits :) .

      • Jeskenw

        Raising your spirited child and how to really love your child both were lifesavers for me!

  • http://gchomeschool.com smjlangley

    I could have written every word of this except a few such as oldest child and boy. Thanks so much for sharing your heart. It really spoke to me today.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1486806950 Jamerrill Stewart

      I’m glad it spoke to you. It’s always a little unnerving sharing the blessings along with the mess. Thanks for reading!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1577243094 Carlisa Rogers

    Oh, girl, you just described my life. My middle child is very similar, and I can see that she will one day be a force to be reckoned within the kingdom. I desperately wanted to name her a differnt name than she has, but dad and I could only agree on one that means “peacemaker”. My husband jokes he thinks it is peacemaker in the Wyatt Earp sense (Wyatt named his gun “the peacemaker”). Anyway, everything she does she does to the fullest: being sweet and loving–or not. She is a twin and she and her brother have driven me straight to my knees. (My oldest child is pretty easy thus far. I don’t even think we could’ve called ourselves parents if she was our only one.) I will keep praying and watching for your posts to get wisdom from my online friend.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1486806950 Jamerrill Stewart

      It’s funny Carlisa, our 4 boys have been “easy.” God knows what we need! I’d be a mess without this journey with my girl. :)

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for sharing! I love this post. Especially the part about God making here with purpose. It is so easy to be short-sighted. We wonder why our kids are the way they are. But those personalities that God made them with, He made them with intentionally. He can see down the road to what they will need to do and equipped them to do it. Yes, those “quirks” may provide challenges for us now, but we need to not try to change them or fix them or make them “normal” (what is normal, anyway?!) like everyone else…because God made them that way for a reason. (NOTE: I’m not saying disobedience is okay because “God made them that way.”) My oldest (18), for example, has no close friend, doesn’t hang out and play sports with the other guys, talks more to adults, and enjoys his family/little brothers and sister more than anything. It would be easy to try to force him into team sports or a same-age friendship. But you know what? He wants to be a missionary pilot in the Amazon. He probably will spend a lot of time alone or with an older man/family. He will make a great dad/family man. God has wired him this way for a purpose. Isn’t God amazing?! Again, thanks for sharing.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1486806950 Jamerrill Stewart

      Ha, you’re right…I’m not into “normal” anyway. ;) That’s wonderful about the ministry that the Lord has put on your sons heart too! Personally, I’m not into intense of same-age friendships/sports. Yes, our kids have friends, and play sports at times, but we focus on family time and ministry together. Good work, MomsBandB!

  • http://www.christian-momma.com LaToya {Christian Momma}

    Thanks for this. My first born is extremely strong willed and sometimes I want to throw in the towel. I have read Strong Willed Child and loved it. Sheparding in on my to-read list and I may have to look into Dare to discipline.

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  • Christy

    Thanks for these great insights, Jamerill! I’m currently re-working some parenting strategies to fit the myriad personalities we have. I plan to read Shepherding A Child’s Heart in January!

  • Kelli Corona

    Love your post. My only child is a strong willed child. I didn’t think I had any skills when I had her and my how He has taught me! We are just entering the preteen stage and I have full confidence in Him and His work in her life. She is very much a strong willed girl for the Lord , though we still have many moments of frustration. Thank you for sharing, it is such an encouragement!

  • http://profiles.google.com/cassandra.dorman Cassandra D

    I’m there with you!!! Thanks for this post!

    Cassandra @ The Unplugged Family

  • Lisa Jefferies

    Thank you for your encouragement. I have a strong-willed child. She is my second-born and is the middle child in the midst of two boys, a teen niece several years older than her, a tagalong baby, 6.5 years younger than her. I know I need to reach her heart. At times it seems so hard, but this is a journey for both of us.

  • Jess Wolstenholm

    Great post. Thanks for your wise thoughts. My strong willed girl is my first born so the challenges make me feel like I need to be a better mom. But I know that’s all part of God’s plan to grow me and her!

  • Laurie Wallin

    This is a great topic Jamerrill. I’m glad you shared the heart-based viewpoint of raising kids with strong wills. I’ve got 3 of my 4 with those tendencies and like you said, it’s challenged me to check my own heart when I’m frustrated with theirs. If I may, however, I’d like to share a little different perspective. As mom to 2 fost/adopted kids with mood and developmental challenges, I have to say Shepherding isn’t my favorite book. In many cases in my dealings with other parents – godly, consistent, loving parents – of special needs kids like mine it’s caused much hurt and sense of condemnation. For our kids it’s not sin that’s causing some of the strong-willed issues, it’s biochemistry. We must prayerfully engage as parents without assigning spiritual meaning to their personalities. I’ve found Setting Limits and Raising Your Spirited Child to be very helpful and life-giving in our case.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1486806950 Jamerrill Stewart

      Thank you for sharing your story Laurie. We have 6 foster/adopted nieces and nephews, and we ourselves have been foster parents, so I understand your view point. Another good book that we read during fostering was “Parenting with Love and Logic.” So many great books…so little time! ;)

      • Anonymous

        That’s a great one. And I love that they have so many short topic-based parenting videos on the book’s ideas on YouTube. Super helpful!

  • http://twitter.com/bethrago Elizabeth Rago

    I have a wonderfully spirited child and I do have to admit, there have been days where I have been in tears almost every hour, wondering if I was fit to be a mother, foolishly thinking I had mastered being patient and loving. I read a glorious book called, Raising Your Spirited Child, which has literally transformed the way I look at my child and myself. I found out that I am a spirited adult who is just as strong willed and tenacious as my son!

    It is so important to support each other as parents and love these kids with a gentle kindness. It’s not easy, but with practice and patience we can raise amazing individuals who are on fire with a passion for life! :) Great post!

  • http://thechuppies.blogspot.com/ Kara @ The Chuppies

    This is so encouraging Jamerrill…I love what you wrote at the end (and throughout) about looking for ways to enjoy your kiddo…
    We’ve had 2 out of our 5 that were similar to what you’ve written here and I have pleaded with Him for their hearts out of complete helplessness at times–probably where I should be with all of them all of hte time, but it’s so easy to forget that He is the one who transforms hearts when the need is not as blatant/overt.
    I love how much you shared your enjoyment of this particular child (in the midst of how difficult it is)…
    Thank you for this one!

  • Laura

    Thank you for this! I have a strong willed 4 year old and then 2 little girls under him. It is a challenge and definitely survival mode. This was encouraging and a reminder to be very purposeful and to use this strong will for the glory of Jesus!!

  • http://www.joyeverafter.blogspot.com/ Jennifer

    Oh, thank you! I had been struggling with my own strong-willed daughter (also the only girl) lately. The Lord is showing you much of what he showed you. I also got some help from a book by Elizabeth George encouraging us to teach younger women and START WITH OUR DAUGHTERS! I know it’s a simple idea and I’ve been training my daughter, but thinking of her as a younger woman to mentor kind of changed the picture for me. Anyway, thanks again for these encouraging words. I’m glad I’m not the only one with a “spirited” daughter to love and train.

  • http://cowsdontmoo.com Sonita @ CowsDontMoo.com

    Girl, I needed that!

    My oldest is so laid back. My youngest however, keeps me on my toes…and knees! LOL I’m very strong willed though so I guess it’s good for me!

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for this reminder. I have a VERY strong-willed boy and it’s been a struggle day in and day out. I have ready Dobson’s books, but without much help. I’ve been brought to the place that I have no other option but to lean on God and I know that’s right where he wanted me.

    • Kimberly

      I never really found Dobson’s books helpful with regard to the stong-willed child topic. He is probably a brilliant man, but he has obviously never raised a truly strong-willed child. He talks around the topic, but he never provides any useful tools. Cynthia Ulrich Tobias’ book, You Can’t Make Me, But I Can Be Persuaded, was fabulous and I am going to pull that out and read it again. It always helps me to remember how my SWC’s brain ticks. I am also going to look at the other books recommended here as I continue to look for resources to successfully homeschool my teenage daughter. God continues to help me and I am continually praying for guidance, patience, wisdom, insight, and clear direction. Good luck to you all and God bless all of you who are parenting a strong-willed child.

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  • Amanda Heuring

    This was just the encouraging post I needed today! My strong willed child has been especially strong willed the past few days, leaving me frazzled and worn out. :) This was just the reminder I needed from God. Thank you!