You Are Making People. Don’t Break Them.

October 5, 2011 By

 

I am an extremely self-conscious person.  I’m terrified of not being talented enough.  I am most of the time certain that I am the least talented person in a room.  I have very little confidence.

And lately I’ve begun to wonder, “Why?”.

To the outside world I appear to be an extroverted and fairly confident person.  Someone who doesn’t mind attention and can’t stop herself from being the Chandler in every crowd.  But it’s a smoke screen.   On the inside, my insecurities eat away at my soul like cancer.   I am certain that I’m just a street rat and that everyone else is better.  For example, I think I could have been someone who sings for the Lord and blesses others through it.  He gave me some small amount of talent in this area.  But I’ve spent 3 decades too afraid to develop that raw ability.  My voice goes unused, unrefined, untrained.  Hidden in secret.  When I admitted this to someone recently who does have the courage to get on a stage they said, “Really?  I would have pegged you for a performer.”  And I wondered anew, what gives this person who has a similar personality, similar sense of humor, similar talent, and similar passion the confidence when I am lacking it so?

With much prayer and meditation and seeking and begging for the boldness and humbleness that can only come from God I’ve realized the biggest culprit for my un-confident conundrum.  The difference between the “Me’s” and the “Them’s”.

The most talented and confident people I know came from loving Christian homes.  And I didn’t.  As a young person, I was told predominantly negative things about myself.

I am a Colossians 3:21 child

  ”Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated”. [Do not break their spirit.] – The Amplified Bible

First know this, I am not trying to cop-out.  I am not trying to blame my childhood for all of my problems and mistakes or asserting to be helpless to change them.  But the cold hard truth is that we as parents are making people.  Yes, we physically make them, that part is obvious.  But then in the two decades that follow we emotionally and spiritually mold them into who they will be, for good or for worse.  And it is very hard to break the mold you were set in.

 I am still unraveling the skein of my soul that was tangled in childhood, one step in faith at a time.

And it is a sober warning to me as a parent to seek God so fully that it has no choice but to spill over into my parenting.

Build your children up.  Hug them. Encourage them.  Speak the truth in love to them.  Tell them they are good and talented and worthy.  Tell them God has created them with a purpose and with abilities to grow for his Kingdom.

Make people that can bring glory to God without an over-abundance of emotional hurdles to jump first.

I know we live in a broken world and we are all broken to some degree or another.  But let us attempt to love God so fully that we build children with as few cracks in their foundations as possible.  For their benefit, and for His.

Jessica Bowman

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28 Comments | Filed Under: Discipling Children, Following God, Parenting

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  • Angela

    Beauiful, just beauiful! Thank you for such real honesty and what a great reminder to us mothers! Loved this post!

  • Anonymous

    This I needed. My daughter started kindergarten and all the insecurities I had as a child came to the surface. I feel myself being over bearing with her. Expecting, pushing, maneuvering her, constantly looking over her shoulder trying to make sure she is never out of line. I kept seeing me, how I thought of me, as a child. God is teaching me to let go and let Him do. Teaching me to be more gracious, more thankful, more approving, more like a Godly momma. I know deep down she will never be “me” with all my many issues derived from my own childhood, some in good ways, some in bad. God is instilling in me, just guide and love her. Let Him take care of all the other things I am trying to control. This is sooo hard. I loved this post, thank you for sharing it!

  • GINA@keepin’ it Real

    Like you, I was not brought up in an encouraging environment. I purposed to “do it right”, and I have raised two children (18 and 21). We have encouraged them, celebrated them, built them up, and done everything we can do to make sure they know they are valued and gifted. I encourage all moms to do that, as there is nothing in the world better than a parents love and approval.

    But you know what I have found? Now that my kids are grown, they still have a lot of insecurities. There are so many pressures in their lives, and so many voices around them. I am not the only voice in their life! They are still hesitant to use their gifts at times. They are still self focused. What I found is that I can’t be their everything. They can only find that in God. When they were little, I thought I would make all the difference in their lives. I didn’t want them to hurt like I did. And although they do have more to equip them than I did, they still need to find their confidence in God. So, I still encourage, but I am seeing more and more that I need to pray for them and that God would work in their hearts so they would find their true security! We as parents can only give them so much.

    And as much as I have worked to not hurt them, there have been times that I have hurt them. I share this not to discourage or discount what you are sharing. You should purpose to do what you are doing. But just as a reminder and to encourage you, because we as moms can put the responsibility of our kids happiness and out come all on our shoulders. And that is a heavy weight to bear. Not meant for us to bear! Do your part, and then pray like crazy that God will do a work in their hearts so that they would ultimately find their worth and confidence in Him.

    And then He gets the glory! And that is how it is meant to be anyway!

    Grace to you!

    • http://bohemianbowmans.com/ Jessica

      Amen. :)

  • http://twitter.com/BrookeWrites Brooke McGlothlin

    This is beautiful Jess. I love your transparency and heart for your children to have something different than you had. Thanks for sharing it with us.

    • Cynthia

      Jessica was not raised in a bad home. Her mom did a very good job with her. Look how she turned out. Although she seems to blame her upbringing. Jessica had a absent dad who wanted nothing to do with her and would not pay any child support. Her mom tried to forse her dad to be a part of her life to no aveil. Her mom remarried when she was 7 years old. After being married about a year her husband asked her to stop trying to forse Jessica’s dad to be in her life. They had just had their first child together and her husband loved Jessica as if he were his. So after thinking and praying about it long and hard she decided to take her husband was right. It was very hard for her to do. She had always had a great relationship with her own father and felt like knew how much it would mean to Jessica to have the same.

      The years went by and Jessica was the apple in her mom’s eyes. Jessica was always a very talented child with a beautiful voice. She had always had great writing skills too. Her mom worked with her so much “she was the only child for over 8 years” that she could read long before she started school. Her mom had 2 more children. Once she had younger brothers she became very jealous of them. She treated them badly. But her mom would not, could not believe that her precious Jessica would do that. Even when family and friends told her that Jessica was mean and hateful to her brothers she would not believe it. Not her Jessica, no never!

      Jessica ran away the day after she turned 17. Leaving her mom a beautiful letter “yes letter” not a little note remember I said she had always had writing skills. Telling her mom what a great job she had done raising her, that her mom had given her the skills to go out into the world and take care of herself. Her mom’s was heart broken.

      Then the real work began. Her sons 6 & 9 “especially the 9 year old” at the time started telling their mom and dad that it was all their fault that Jessica had left. That they were sorry. That they would be good little boys and maybe she would come back. Now they didn’t understand why their sons felt that way. They both told them that it was not their fault that she had left. It had nothing to do with them. They told their parents that it was their fault.

      Jessica had been telling those precious boys their whole life that she wished they had never been born. That she wished it was still just her and her mom. She wanted to be the only child. That she and her mom were doing good before they came. She told them they were bad and that she was going to leave one day because of them and never come back! She hated them!

      When her mom realized “when it hit her right in the face” the damage that her oldest beloved child had done to her sons and that she had allowed it to happen, she was broken hearted all over again.

      She had a lot of damage control to do with her sons. And she did. Jessica didn’t have any contact with her mom for almost 10 years. Her mom was so happy when she did make contact. She had 4 crandchildren she had never met!

      The boys were “and still are” god loving good kids. They were in the 9th and 12 grade of high school. Now her sons didn’t want anything to do with Jessica. But their mom ask them to please for her to allow Jessica back into the family. After all Jessica was her child too. They agreed out of love for her mom.

      But the story still doesn’t have a happy ending. The new relationship didn’t last long. Jessica’s father who had only seen her half a dozen times from the age of 3 until she was 17 had been in her life the last 10 years. Jessica told her mom what a great father and grandfather he had turned out to be. Which she was glad for and still is. It’s easy to be a dad after they are grown.

      When Jessica was about 10 her mom had turned her dad into Child Support Recovery. Every 3 ot 4 years they would find him and made him pay on his back child support. Out of the blue Jessica sent her mom an email telling her that since she insisted on throwing people in jail that she no longer felt safe around her. That she would not ever allow her to see her grandchildren again! They had found her dad and arrested him again for back child support. Her mom had no idea it had even happened. She prayed about it and got her answer. She wrote Jessica back and told her that she accepted that. That she loves her and always will. That she would keep Jessica and her family in her prayers and she still does. God gave her mom the courage to let her daughter go, not to be a part of life. She still and always will know from a distance know what Jessica is doing. She is very proud of Jessica, of the fact that Jessica seeks the lord in all she does. She still prays everyday that one day before she dies Jessica will find it in her heart to forgive her for whatever it is that Jessica thinks her mom did so wrong to her.

      Please keep Jessica in your prayers, that she will continue to grow and love the lord. That she will realize that her children will grow up. That one day they may have distorted view of how they were raised and about who they think she really is.

  • Shelliemueller

    Wow, you ARE talented!! In writing!!! And God is using that to reach other moms who need to be reminded of Scripture and to be encouraged!!!

  • Rachel

    Thank you, Jessica, for sharing your heart so openly. It is a blessing to be nurtured in a loving Christian home. I want to cheer you on! You can break the pattern that you were raised in…my father-in-law did it–his father was an alcoholic and not a believer, but my father-in-law broke the chain. You can be the one to turn the tide for generations. God is so good.

    • http://bohemianbowmans.com/ Jessica

      None of us parent perfectly, but I’m learning to rely on grace more every day.

    • Cynthia

      Jessica was not raised in a bad home. Her mom did a very good job with her. Look how she turned out. Although she seems to blame her upbringing. Jessica had a absent dad who wanted nothing to do with her and would not pay any child support. Her mom tried to forse her dad to be a part of her life to no aveil. Her mom remarried when she was 7 years old. After being married about a year her husband asked her to stop trying to forse Jessica’s dad to be in her life. They had just had their first child together and her husband loved Jessica as if he were his. So after thinking and praying about it long and hard she decided to take her husband was right. It was very hard for her to do. She had always had a great relationship with her own father and felt like knew how much it would mean to Jessica to have the same.

      The years went by and Jessica was the apple in her mom’s eyes. Jessica was always a very talented child with a beautiful voice. She had always had great writing skills too. Her mom worked with her so much “she was the only child for over 8 years” that she could read long before she started school. Her mom had 2 more children. Once she had younger brothers she became very jealous of them. She treated them badly. But her mom would not, could not believe that her precious Jessica would do that. Even when family and friends told her that Jessica was mean and hateful to her brothers she would not believe it. Not her Jessica, no never!

      Jessica ran away the day after she turned 17. Leaving her mom a beautiful letter “yes letter” not a little note remember I said she had always had writing skills. Telling her mom what a great job she had done raising her, that her mom had given her the skills to go out into the world and take care of herself. Her mom’s was heart broken.

      Then the real work began. Her sons 6 & 9 “especially the 9 year old” at the time started telling their mom and dad that it was all their fault that Jessica had left. That they were sorry. That they would be good little boys and maybe she would come back. Now they didn’t understand why their sons felt that way. They both told them that it was not their fault that she had left. It had nothing to do with them. They told their parents that it was their fault.

      Jessica had been telling those precious boys their whole life that she wished they had never been born. That she wished it was still just her and her mom. She wanted to be the only child. That she and her mom were doing good before they came. She told them they were bad and that she was going to leave one day because of them and never come back! She hated them!

      When her mom realized “when it hit her right in the face” the damage that her oldest beloved child had done to her sons and that she had allowed it to happen, she was broken hearted all over again.

      She had a lot of damage control to do with her sons. And she did. Jessica didn’t have any contact with her mom for almost 10 years. Her mom was so happy when she did make contact. She had 4 crandchildren she had never met!

      The boys were “and still are” god loving good kids. They were in the 9th and 12 grade of high school. Now her sons didn’t want anything to do with Jessica. But their mom ask them to please for her to allow Jessica back into the family. After all Jessica was her child too. They agreed out of love for her mom.

      But the story still doesn’t have a happy ending. The new relationship didn’t last long. Jessica’s father who had only seen her half a dozen times from the age of 3 until she was 17 had been in her life the last 10 years. Jessica told her mom what a great father and grandfather he had turned out to be. Which she was glad for and still is. It’s easy to be a dad after they are grown.

      When Jessica was about 10 her mom had turned her dad into Child Support Recovery. Every 3 ot 4 years they would find him and made him pay on his back child support. Out of the blue Jessica sent her mom an email telling her that since she insisted on throwing people in jail that she no longer felt safe around her. That she would not ever allow her to see her grandchildren again! They had found her dad and arrested him again for back child support. Her mom had no idea it had even happened. She prayed about it and got her answer. She wrote Jessica back and told her that she accepted that. That she loves her and always will. That she would keep Jessica and her family in her prayers and she still does. God gave her mom the courage to let her daughter go, not to be a part of life. She still and always will know from a distance know what Jessica is doing. She is very proud of Jessica, of the fact that Jessica seeks the lord in all she does. She still prays everyday that one day before she dies Jessica will find it in her heart to forgive her for whatever it is that Jessica thinks her mom did so wrong to her.

      Please keep Jessica in your prayers, that she will continue to grow and love the lord. That she will realize that her children will grow up. That one day they may have distorted view of how they were raised and about who they think she really is.

  • http://twitter.com/dashingly Lindsey

    The best thing we can do as parents, I think, is give our kids a better childhood than what we had. Thank you for the reminder that parenting is so much more than just a job that we don’t always feel like putting 100% into.

    • Cynthia

      I agree with you. All we can do is the best that we can do. To pray that we are doing it right. Raising children is hard work. I know that my children have had a much better life than I had growing up. Be prepared though, sometimes they grow up and think you didn’t do a good job, that you didn’t give them a good childhood. It happened to me with my daughter. My daughter is Jessica Griffin Bowman. Thank the lord my 2 sons don’t feel that way about me.

  • Kim Hall

    Although I was brought up in a healthy home (non-Christian), I still had a lot of insecurity about not being good enough at anything and bout being fearful of failure. We raised our girls doing the best we knew how, and they have turned out to be wonderful young ladies, but I did pass my insecurities onto them.

    We became Christians when they were almost in college, and now are helping them as friends, to further lead them on the right path.

    We were given Max Lucado’s book, Cure for the Common Life, for Christmas last year, and it is a life changer. Read it, share it, give it to your family and friends.

    It is written to help us each find our sweet spot, and is full practical tools to help figure out your unique God given talents and the motivation to put them to use. As Lucado notes, God “tailored the curves of your life to fit an empty space in His jigsaw puzzle. And life makes sweet sense when you find your spot.”

    I have used it to help teens, and it is thrilling to watch as they come into knowledge and awareness of their God given talents.

  • http://www.adiamondntherough.blogspot.com Jessica

    Just this morning I was wrestling with my own insecurities about parenting. This spoke so directly to me. There are so many things that I can’t control for my kids, but I can control how I encourage them and combat the insecurities that will inevitably creep into their lives (simply because we are human). I can’t insulate them from pain, but I can pad them with the truth of who they are in Christ and the blessing that lies in simply being secure in who Christ has made each one of us to be. Thanks for putting words to this.

    • Cynthia

      Jessica was not raised in a bad home. Her mom did a very good job with her. Look how she turned out. Although she seems to blame her upbringing. Jessica had a absent dad who wanted nothing to do with her and would not pay any child support. Her mom tried to forse her dad to be a part of her life to no aveil. Her mom remarried when she was 7 years old. After being married about a year her husband asked her to stop trying to forse Jessica’s dad to be in her life. They had just had their first child together and her husband loved Jessica as if he were his. So after thinking and praying about it long and hard she decided to take her husband was right. It was very hard for her to do. She had always had a great relationship with her own father and felt like knew how much it would mean to Jessica to have the same.

      The years went by and Jessica was the apple in her mom’s eyes. Jessica was always a very talented child with a beautiful voice. She had always had great writing skills too. Her mom worked with her so much “she was the only child for over 8 years” that she could read long before she started school. Her mom had 2 more children. Once she had younger brothers she became very jealous of them. She treated them badly. But her mom would not, could not believe that her precious Jessica would do that. Even when family and friends told her that Jessica was mean and hateful to her brothers she would not believe it. Not her Jessica, no never!

      Jessica ran away the day after she turned 17. Leaving her mom a beautiful letter “yes letter” not a little note remember I said she had always had writing skills. Telling her mom what a great job she had done raising her, that her mom had given her the skills to go out into the world and take care of herself. Her mom’s was heart broken.

      Then the real work began. Her sons 6 & 9 “especially the 9 year old” at the time started telling their mom and dad that it was all their fault that Jessica had left. That they were sorry. That they would be good little boys and maybe she would come back. Now they didn’t understand why their sons felt that way. They both told them that it was not their fault that she had left. It had nothing to do with them. They told their parents that it was their fault.

      Jessica had been telling those precious boys their whole life that she wished they had never been born. That she wished it was still just her and her mom. She wanted to be the only child. That she and her mom were doing good before they came. She told them they were bad and that she was going to leave one day because of them and never come back! She hated them!

      When her mom realized “when it hit her right in the face” the damage that her oldest beloved child had done to her sons and that she had allowed it to happen, she was broken hearted all over again.

      She had a lot of damage control to do with her sons. And she did. Jessica didn’t have any contact with her mom for almost 10 years. Her mom was so happy when she did make contact. She had 4 crandchildren she had never met!

      The boys were “and still are” god loving good kids. They were in the 9th and 12 grade of high school. Now her sons didn’t want anything to do with Jessica. But their mom ask them to please for her to allow Jessica back into the family. After all Jessica was her child too. They agreed out of love for her mom.

      But the story still doesn’t have a happy ending. The new relationship didn’t last long. Jessica’s father who had only seen her half a dozen times from the age of 3 until she was 17 had been in her life the last 10 years. Jessica told her mom what a great father and grandfather he had turned out to be. Which she was glad for and still is. It’s easy to be a dad after they are grown.

      When Jessica was about 10 her mom had turned her dad into Child Support Recovery. Every 3 ot 4 years they would find him and made him pay on his back child support. Out of the blue Jessica sent her mom an email telling her that since she insisted on throwing people in jail that she no longer felt safe around her. That she would not ever allow her to see her grandchildren again! They had found her dad and arrested him again for back child support. Her mom had no idea it had even happened. She prayed about it and got her answer. She wrote Jessica back and told her that she accepted that. That she loves her and always will. That she would keep Jessica and her family in her prayers and she still does. God gave her mom the courage to let her daughter go, not to be a part of life. She still and always will know from a distance know what Jessica is doing. She is very proud of Jessica, of the fact that Jessica seeks the lord in all she does. She still prays everyday that one day before she dies Jessica will find it in her heart to forgive her for whatever it is that Jessica thinks her mom did so wrong to her.

      Please keep Jessica in your prayers, that she will continue to grow and love the lord. That she will realize that her children will grow up. That one day they may have distorted view of how they were raised and about who they think she really is.

  • Anonymous

    spectacular reminder … this comes on the heels of seeing Courageous with my husband. We sat in the van afterward, both convicted and encouraged to do more “under the surface” work with our kids. I know I’m not fully present sometimes, I’m selfish and my words are not always grace-filled. I’m working on modeling thoughtful, uplifting language – I don’t want to break the hearts or spirits of these beautiful blessings I’ve been charged with. And, I agree with Gina that we need to pray for them like crazy, because I will fail them a thousand times, but He never will.

    • http://bohemianbowmans.com/ Jessica

      I hope to see that movie one day!

  • http://thechuppies.blogspot.com/ Kara @ The Chuppies

    I love this Jessica…THIS is the kind of parent I want to be…
    Really appreciated the part about seeking Him so fully that our love for Him will spill over into our parenting.

    ~K

  • Michelle

    This spoke so deeply into my heart today. Thank you so much, Jessica, and God bless you!

  • Tina

    Wow, what an excellent post. Thank you so much, I really needed to read this today.

  • http://houghslife.blogspot.com Sarah

    God is amazing how He works b/c this is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. I’ve really been struggling with exactly this. Thank you thank you for your openness and honesty. May God bless you as you seek to love and respect your children…may He bless and help us all!!

    • http://bohemianbowmans.com/ Jessica

      So glad it’s spoken to your heart.

      • Cynthia

        Jessica was not raised in a bad home. Her mom did a very good job with her. Look how she turned out. Although she seems to blame her upbringing. Jessica had a absent dad who wanted nothing to do with her and would not pay any child support. Her mom tried to forse her dad to be a part of her life to no aveil. Her mom remarried when she was 7 years old. After being married about a year her husband asked her to stop trying to forse Jessica’s dad to be in her life. They had just had their first child together and her husband loved Jessica as if he were his. So after thinking and praying about it long and hard she decided to take her husband was right. It was very hard for her to do. She had always had a great relationship with her own father and felt like knew how much it would mean to Jessica to have the same.

        The years went by and Jessica was the apple in her mom’s eyes. Jessica was always a very talented child with a beautiful voice. She had always had great writing skills too. Her mom worked with her so much “she was the only child for over 8 years” that she could read long before she started school. Her mom had 2 more children. Once she had younger brothers she became very jealous of them. She treated them badly. But her mom would not, could not believe that her precious Jessica would do that. Even when family and friends told her that Jessica was mean and hateful to her brothers she would not believe it. Not her Jessica, no never!

        Jessica ran away the day after she turned 17. Leaving her mom a beautiful letter “yes letter” not a little note remember I said she had always had writing skills. Telling her mom what a great job she had done raising her, that her mom had given her the skills to go out into the world and take care of herself. Her mom’s was heart broken.

        Then the real work began. Her sons 6 & 9 “especially the 9 year old” at the time started telling their mom and dad that it was all their fault that Jessica had left. That they were sorry. That they would be good little boys and maybe she would come back. Now they didn’t understand why their sons felt that way. They both told them that it was not their fault that she had left. It had nothing to do with them. They told their parents that it was their fault.

        Jessica had been telling those precious boys their whole life that she wished they had never been born. That she wished it was still just her and her mom. She wanted to be the only child. That she and her mom were doing good before they came. She told them they were bad and that she was going to leave one day because of them and never come back! She hated them!

        When her mom realized “when it hit her right in the face” the damage that her oldest beloved child had done to her sons and that she had allowed it to happen, she was broken hearted all over again.

        She had a lot of damage control to do with her sons. And she did. Jessica didn’t have any contact with her mom for almost 10 years. Her mom was so happy when she did make contact. She had 4 crandchildren she had never met!

        The boys were “and still are” god loving good kids. They were in the 9th and 12 grade of high school. Now her sons didn’t want anything to do with Jessica. But their mom ask them to please for her to allow Jessica back into the family. After all Jessica was her child too. They agreed out of love for her mom.

        But the story still doesn’t have a happy ending. The new relationship didn’t last long. Jessica’s father who had only seen her half a dozen times from the age of 3 until she was 17 had been in her life the last 10 years. Jessica told her mom what a great father and grandfather he had turned out to be. Which she was glad for and still is. It’s easy to be a dad after they are grown.

        When Jessica was about 10 her mom had turned her dad into Child Support Recovery. Every 3 ot 4 years they would find him and made him pay on his back child support. Out of the blue Jessica sent her mom an email telling her that since she insisted on throwing people in jail that she no longer felt safe around her. That she would not ever allow her to see her grandchildren again! They had found her dad and arrested him again for back child support. Her mom had no idea it had even happened. She prayed about it and got her answer. She wrote Jessica back and told her that she accepted that. That she loves her and always will. That she would keep Jessica and her family in her prayers and she still does. God gave her mom the courage to let her daughter go, not to be a part of life. She still and always will know from a distance know what Jessica is doing. She is very proud of Jessica, of the fact that Jessica seeks the lord in all she does. She still prays everyday that one day before she dies Jessica will find it in her heart to forgive her for whatever it is that Jessica thinks her mom did so wrong to her.

        Please keep Jessica in your prayers, that she will continue to grow and love the lord. That she will realize that her children will grow up. That one day they may have distorted view of how they were raised and about who they think she really is.

  • Perhapskj

    Thank you so much for this encouragement. I grew up in a home similar to yours and God has just recently laid in on my heart that “love” is what is lacking in my home. I love my kids to death, but I don’t think I demonstrate that in the ways that make them feel loved. I think that it has been hard because I haven’t had a good example to learn from, but this post is encouraging me to make a change. I’m trying to come up with 10 things to do daily to show my kids just how much I love them and this gave me six great ones!

  • Elizabeth_311ml

    You described me. It was like a lightbulb went off. Thank you.

  • Cynthia

    Jessica was not raised in a bad home. Her mom did a very good job with her. Look how she turned out. Although she seems to blame her upbringing. Jessica had a absent dad who wanted nothing to do with her and would not pay any child support. Her mom tried to forse her dad to be a part of her life to no aveil. Her mom remarried when she was 7 years old. After being married about a year her husband asked her to stop trying to forse Jessica’s dad to be in her life. They had just had their first child together and her husband loved Jessica as if he were his. So after thinking and praying about it long and hard she decided to take her husband was right. It was very hard for her to do. She had always had a great relationship with her own father and felt like knew how much it would mean to Jessica to have the same.

    The years went by and Jessica was the apple in her mom’s eyes. Jessica was always a very talented child with a beautiful voice. She had always had great writing skills too. Her mom worked with her so much “she was the only child for over 8 years” that she could read long before she started school. Her mom had 2 more children. Once she had younger brothers she became very jealous of them. She treated them badly. But her mom would not, could not believe that her precious Jessica would do that. Even when family and friends told her that Jessica was mean and hateful to her brothers she would not believe it. Not her Jessica, no never!

    Jessica ran away the day after she turned 17. Leaving her mom a beautiful letter “yes letter” not a little note remember I said she had always had writing skills. Telling her mom what a great job she had done raising her, that her mom had given her the skills to go out into the world and take care of herself. Her mom’s was heart broken.

    Then the real work began. Her sons 6 & 9 “especially the 9 year old” at the time started telling their mom and dad that it was all their fault that Jessica had left. That they were sorry. That they would be good little boys and maybe she would come back. Now they didn’t understand why their sons felt that way. They both told them that it was not their fault that she had left. It had nothing to do with them. They told their parents that it was their fault.

    Jessica had been telling those precious boys their whole life that she wished they had never been born. That she wished it was still just her and her mom. She wanted to be the only child. That she and her mom were doing good before they came. She told them they were bad and that she was going to leave one day because of them and never come back! She hated them!

    When her mom realized “when it hit her right in the face” the damage that her oldest beloved child had done to her sons and that she had allowed it to happen, she was broken hearted all over again.

    She had a lot of damage control to do with her sons. And she did. Jessica didn’t have any contact with her mom for almost 10 years. Her mom was so happy when she did make contact. She had 4 crandchildren she had never met!

    The boys were “and still are” god loving good kids. They were in the 9th and 12 grade of high school. Now her sons didn’t want anything to do with Jessica. But their mom ask them to please for her to allow Jessica back into the family. After all Jessica was her child too. They agreed out of love for her mom.

    But the story still doesn’t have a happy ending. The new relationship didn’t last long. Jessica’s father who had only seen her half a dozen times from the age of 3 until she was 17 had been in her life the last 10 years. Jessica told her mom what a great father and grandfather he had turned out to be. Which she was glad for and still is. It’s easy to be a dad after they are grown.

    When Jessica was about 10 her mom had turned her dad into Child Support Recovery. Every 3 ot 4 years they would find him and made him pay on his back child support. Out of the blue Jessica sent her mom an email telling her that since she insisted on throwing people in jail that she no longer felt safe around her. That she would not ever allow her to see her grandchildren again! They had found her dad and arrested him again for back child support. Her mom had no idea it had even happened. She prayed about it and got her answer. She wrote Jessica back and told her that she accepted that. That she loves her and always will. That she would keep Jessica and her family in her prayers and she still does. God gave her mom the courage to let her daughter go, not to be a part of life. She still and always will know from a distance know what Jessica is doing. She is very proud of Jessica, of the fact that Jessica seeks the lord in all she does. She still prays everyday that one day before she dies Jessica will find it in her heart to forgive her for whatever it is that Jessica thinks her mom did so wrong to her.

    Please keep Jessica in your prayers, that she will continue to grow and love the lord. That she will realize that her children will grow up. That one day they may have distorted view of how they were raised and about who they think she really is.

  • Erica

    Thank you for the reminder. I struggle with this as a mother. It’s not surprising because my mother did as well! It took me years to break through the mold for myself (thank you Christ for a new heart!) and now I’m relearning how to be a Godly mother! It’s a daily struggle to overcome my tendencies to belittle, mock and put down my kids. I tend to do it subtly but I’m well aware of it now with Christ in my life. Before I was blind!