The Stranger in my Living Room

The Stranger in my Living Room came into our house by routine.  He wasn’t ever invited, but he just seemed to always be there.  It was a way of life – I was used to it.  I didn’t really like him or trust him, but I was afraid to kick him out.  I was so used to him being there, and everyone else had a Stranger in their Living Room – and their Kitchen, their child’s bedroom, rec room, and so on.  Sometimes, he’d keep me company when  I was lonely, and I’d giggle at some of the things he’d say.  He gave me something to do when I was bored.

The Stranger has a powerful, often scary influence on our children and our family life.

But there was a dark side to the Stranger.  The Stranger showed my family violence; angry murders, terrible crimes.  He screamed profanities often and displayed lust, sexual situations, and glorified and perpetuated greed and materialism.  The Stranger desired to tell our children they’re not good enough and manipulate them into buying more ‘stuff’ to measure up.  The Stranger mostly supported anti-Christ, anti-moral messages that sank way down deep in the fabric of culture.  He sucked my time and energy, shut down my brain, and suggested how I live my life – all while I sit idly by, staring, unable to pull my eyes from him.  Yet, there he sat.

Until I kicked him out with a passionate boot only a pregnant Mama with a serious waddle could achieve.  Yes,  the Stranger in the Living Room was the Television.

Our family has been completely TV-free for almost 7 years. Our home actually has no screens at all on a day-to-day basis.  We do have computers, but we hide them away and bring them out only when we need them.  My husband and I were both raised in, what I like to call, heavy-use families. (grin)  Both our childhood homes had more than 3 TVs each, so, it’s been quite the change for us.  I was once on the Drew Marshall radio show talking about my choice to go completely TV-free (I was in my early 20s at the time).  Since I’d studied Media all through high school and then gone on to College and graduated with a diploma in Media Communications and Television Production, he laughed and said my entire life was one big Oxymoron.  I kind of like it.

When our children were very young, my husband and I did a sort of inventory about many things in our lives.

TV often isolates family members.

We asked what we were gaining from Television and what we were forfeiting.  As I clicked through the channels one afternoon, I realized how many programs I was either scared of, disagreed with, or felt upset by in some way.  I also started looking for programs that I wouldn’t want my children seeing.  What I found was over-whelming Sure, there are a few ‘cute’ shows, but the good ones came with an onslaught of horrible content.

Our top reasons for tossing the TV are listed in a post on my blog.    They focus mostly on things like, more time for God and family, keeping negative influences out of our home, and pushing advertising and consumption further from our lives.  We also wanted to commit to being more active, spending loads of time outdoors, forming deeper bonds with each other, and keeping our minds active and curious- always seeking ‘the next adventure’.  After all, TV does put the brain in a trance-like, hypnotic state, shutting down critical thinking, especially in children.  Have you ever noticed the glazed-over expression?  It’s no joke.

Once you go TV-free, you can never go back.  You don’t miss the screen.  You feel liberated in many ways.  You start looking at the world differently.  You find other things to do in those quiet times (if they come!)… you go for a walk, you play a game, you talk, you read, you study, you organize, you write ideas in your notebook for your next blog post. (ha)

When you unplug, the simple things are amplified.

I know most (99% according to stats) people in North America have at least one TV in their homes.  I would never criticize a parent for it – ha, I’d lose a lot of friends!  Television seems to be a ‘necessary’ evil in the minds of so many people.  Like that Stranger in the Living Room.  It’s there because it’s always been there, even though so many of us don’t always like it – it remains, out of habit.  My passion as a Media Educator isn’t to tell people how to live.  (Who am I?)  But I do feel incredibly motivated to share the change we’ve seen in our own family as we’ve unplugged more and more.

So, I humbly suggest to other loving parents that they simply question it.  Consider it.  Ask what they are gaining from having a Television when it comes to their goals for their family’s spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and physical health.  Consider what life might look like without it.  Maybe even discuss it as a family.  Why not even try a week or two without TV?  You might be surprised at what you find.

What are your thoughts on that Stranger in the Living Room?  Do you have one?  Have you tossed one?  If you choose to keep TV in your home, what are the limitations you place on viewing time, content, and locations of the TVs?  I’d love to hear how other families are dealing with the box.

In love, Cassandra

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About Cassandra

Cassandra is married to Wesley, and together they home educate three children who humble and amaze them daily.  She is passionate about sharing authentic faith, and the freedom and purpose that come through Christ.  Her heart is renewed by tall trees, a rushing river and an upward gaze.  She shares love notes from the unplugged path at www.TheUnpluggedFamily.com.

  • Jennifer

    This reminds me of the beloved kids book, “The Bearnstein Bears and Too Much TV”. :) it was awkward at first, but then, they realized they didn’t really miss it.

    While we haven’t given up TV altogether, we have drastically decades the amount of time our family spend in front of the TV. Thanks for the challenge to think and reevaluate the place of TV, and other media, in our lives!

    • Ralynnathome

      Got to get ahold of that book!!!

  • http://www.thecolorspectrum.blogspot.com Colleen

    I totally agree with you although we do have a tv. We use it only for dvd’s though and those are of course of our own choosing and we don’t get any channels at all on it. :) But I have been amazed at how others respond to this! I’ve actually had people get angry at me for not having a tv that we use in our home and I wonder how it concerns them even to make them upset.
    Around here people have another term for their television which is supposed to be quite witty but I always find disturbing, they refer to it with a smile as their “house god”.
    Great article!:)

  • http://inthesweetsunshine.com Carrie Roer

    Great post! My husband and I have been married for 6 years and the one small tv we have has seen very little use. We’ve never gotten cable (too expensive!) and it’s not worth it for us to invest in the antennae hassle. In our current house, it sits downstairs in our unfinished basement, hooked up to the Gamecube for the occasional game of Mario Kart. :) We never watch tv with our daughter (16 months old), although when she’s sick I’ll sometimes snuggle with her and watch a movie. My husband and I have 3 shows we enjoy, which we’ll watch online after the little one has gone to bed, maybe once a week.

    We have more “screen time” issues when it comes to computer use. Especially myself. Since I’m working on increasing my blog, and I do enjoy the “escape” of Facebook, I end up spending more time on the computer each day than I should. Even my daughter realizes it’s stealing time away from her, and she’s started banging on it when I use it when she’s around. So that is something I need to work on in my own life! Thank you for this post, it’s making me reevaluate things again… :)

    • http://profiles.google.com/cassandra.dorman Cassandra D

      Carrie – you make a super good point. I think, as Moms, we often nit-pick how much screen time our children have and neglect to take a good look at home much screen time WE have. I’ve really tried to implement this too. My blogging has been less and I’ve had less time to do certain things, but I’ve been trying to say no more than 1 hour a day for myself on the computer. And, unless I’m uploading photos or my son is working on his 20 minute math work (we use a program called Teaching Textbooks which has a computer-based part), we’re not on the computer during the day. It helps TONS with keeping things going, the children happy, and me, focused. :) Great ideas…

  • http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

    I totally agree. When my children were younger, there were times when we would take the TV out of our living room and hide it in the closet for a week or a month at a time. These were the best times we’d seen in our children. Less whining, more interaction.

    Then one day, we decided to get rid of it altogether. We gave our TV and DVD player to my sister-in-law and went without a TV for a year. It truly was a wonderful experience. My children explored and learned ways to occupy themselves.

    When we moved here 3 years ago, someone [out of "pity" for my children] gave us a TV to help “occupy” them while we moved in and worked on house projects. Later that year, we bought a new TV. It has since been moved to the basement out of our main living area.

    We do not have cable, satellite, or Netflix. We do not watch anything on the local stations other than an occasional sports game. Otherwise, it’s all DVD’s.

    I still believe there is too much TV viewing in my home right now, and the only one to blame is myself. It’s just too easy. That is one of the largest benefits to getting the TV’s out of your home – you cannot use them as a default. There are times I think about doing away with the TV again. If/when that does happen, it will most likely be permanent.

    As of now, my goal is to keep the screen off during the week and only allow a movie or video game on the weekends. Obviously, every family will be different, but I do agree that we all should seriously consider it. Even if you cannot get rid of your TV because your husband would never allow it, we as mother’s have the responsibility for how often we turn it on for our children during the day. We have control over that and even that can make a huge difference. It may take a bit of adjusting, but I assure you, it will be worth it. :)

    • http://profiles.google.com/cassandra.dorman Cassandra D

      Christin, this is really good. You’re right. I too have struggled with using the screen as a babysitter. When we used to have TV, it was SO easy to fall into the trap of putting it on while you make lunch, while you make dinner, while you have a shower, etc. And we make excuses because, hey, being home with 3 kids under 4 is HARD WORK. And it’s even harder to get a break. What I found, however, is that once we tossed the TV and most screen time, our children found other ways to keep busy if I needed a moment. They became more creative, more interactive, more peaceful. Once it’s gone, it takes a very short time for your family to adapt. I find lots of Moms put restrictions on TV and I used to do the same – it’s a thought of “how much can they watch?” I’ve decided to ask instead, “How many other things can we do? How LITTLE can they watch?” You know? (hug)

  • Mommys5littlemokeys

    My hubby would never go for this idea, but I so would!!! when we first got married and had our boys it was only good value dvd’s they where allowed to watch….and I liked that…..but now that we bought a new house my hubby put cable in and I feel like its always a arguement between him and I as to what they watch……I would love to go back to simple, 1 or 2 dvd’s a day that where eather bibble stories in cartoon or a good values dvd.

    • Ralynnathome

      I feel for you! We were the same for 3 years and it was wonderful in my eyes! For my husband he did fine for awhile but this past year it was a fuss almost every Sunday on how he wished after a long week of work that he could sit down and watch a football game. So just recently I gave in not wanting the fuss to turn into a fight. Now that one game has turned into from the time we get home from church until he goes to bed! My kids are already extremely addicted to it! I will watch shows but could just as easily NOT watch them! Oh how I miss the sound of play in my home! The imaginations developing! I’m going to have to lay down the law with the kids during the week because its getting insane around here! I miss being the NO CABLE family! :(

  • Kellie

    I love this idea, BUT I don’t know what it looks like. What do you do with your kids all day if they don’t watch any tv. Today mine just watched 45 minutes, and that after we did schoolwork and made playdough and they played outside. I’d love to hear more about what your days look like without any tv.

    • http://profiles.google.com/cassandra.dorman Cassandra D

      Thank you! I wondered the same thing before we tossed the TV… “WHAT am I going to do???” But, it’s honestly something that resolves itself faster than you’d ever imagine. I’m planning to write a post about this on my blog, as so many have asked. I think I’ll do that this week and I’ll let you know when it’s up! :)

  • Barb Spencer

    I appreciate so much what you wrote. TV hasn’t been family friendly for a long time. We let our kids watch maybe an hour of PBS when they were younger, but even most children’s programs on PBS have become so politically correct and counter to Biblical principles. I find commercials so provocative as well. We do have a TV and watch DVDs of our choosing together, but even those can become bad if we watch too much.

  • http://www.onefunmom.com Christy

    We have only had DVDs for several years, Netflix off and on, and one TV. My husband and I have lately been talking about what life would look like with no TV, but I haven’t been willing to take the total plunge. I do severely limit TV in our home, and like Christin’s idea of using it only on weekends for some of the time. Thank you for this post, it’s good to hear from someone who is totally TV free! It helps me consider the option more realistic.

  • Anonymous

    Great Post! Although I am not one that has or have plans to kick our TV to the curb. What I (and my husband) decided long before our little one was even watching TV is that we would place healthy and good in front of her in all aspects of life. I love my shows. I love having cable and getting to watch my favorites. I am a Little House fan, a Walton fan. I love the occasional Home decorating Fan, cooking shows ect. My parents, sisters and I gathered around that TV each time Little House was on and enjoyed that show. I wouldn’t give up those nights and don’t feel like God intended us to. Now I am getting to share Little house and shows like it with my daughter. TV is like anything else in life. Overuse it and it can kill you. Don’t use wisdom with it and it will drag you down. Your post made me think even more about limits. We and my daughter spend little time glued to it. We find playing, painting, coloring, reading stories and playing board games, playing outside, the most fulfilling and productive. “evil” is found on TV. I also see good, if you choose to use it for that. Not a “Necessary one” but it can be an enlightened, a richly rewarding one. Its all in how you use it. I would never give up a friend for believing all TV is all evil, I love that you haven’t given up friends or judged them for believing its Not all evil. Now I do believe if God has called you to get rid of it. You better do it. If you have found yourself searching for a life in those images on the screen, turn it off and get out there and see what life is really all about. God will Bless you for it!

  • GINA@keepin’ it Real

    We were without a TV for years, and then we got a small one. We now have a TV (kids ages 18 and 21…still living at home) but we use it only for movies. As our kids got older, we decided that it might be wise to actually own a TV and then walk them through the process of learning how to be Biblically discerning with what they watch. My husband grew up without a TV, but never learned that as a kid. So whenever he was near a TV he was drawn to it and would watch whatever was on because he’d never seen the latest shows etc. It was a novelty to him… he was curious…and he had never learned to choose Biblically. We now check out websites like “plugged in online” to review movies before we watch them. The TV and the computer are a part of our culture, and they will alway s be somewhere as soon as we walk out our front door, and we began to see the importance of our kids learning how to be discerning rather than just cutting it out all together. Now that they are in college, they challenge their friends as they do this.

    There really isn’t all that much on TV anymore that is worth watching, but if we are careful and discerning, the stuff we do find that is acceptable entertainment can be used as a way to teach our kids how to learn to make Godly choices. We don’t have to allow the “violence; angry murders, terrible crimes, profanities lust, sexual situations, greed and materialism ” into our homes.

    It is encouraging to read this post, and to read comments,and to see so many women who want to do the right thing in their homes. Keep up the good work and seek God in it all!!!

  • http://profiles.google.com/cheryl.a.long Cheryl Long

    When my husband broached this subject 14 years ago, I was horrified! How was I to get anything done without our “babysitter”? I NEEDED that purple dinosaur and all the silliness that kept my little ones entertained. He asked that we do a 30 day fast. It was hard…trying to find other activities to fill in those long hours, as our “friend” sat silent in the living room. Looking back, I realize that we didn’t know how to communicate with one another AT ALL! At the end of the 30 days, we anxiously turned it on to view our favorite mommy/daddy program and saw two (unmarried) characters in bed together (this wasn’t a cable show; just public TV). I was too embarrassed to watch! Something had happened during those 30 days; we were “UN-desensitized”. There was no going back. We booted out the TV that week and later settled on a small screen in which to view DVDs (movie night is seasonal and only once a week). We have no regrets. Thanks for sharing this brave post!

  • Sharon

    My husband and I got rid of our TV access when we got married. He only had the educational type channels (which I never watched) and he just didn’t have time to watch much after we got married. So it was a waste of money to pay for the service. I do watch a couple of shows online. And we do have a small TV/VCR, but it doesn’t have TV access. It’s just for watching the occasional movie (or exercise video). I LOVE not having TV available 24/7. It is such a time waster. My husband and I were at a hotel a few months back and watched one TV show. But I was horrified at the ads inbetween. Even the ads (which I hadn’t been subject to for almost 3 years) seemed so inappropriate. Our Toddler hasn’t been exposed to TV at our house. We show her the occasional Sesame Street song on YouTube, but that’s it.

  • Sheri P

    We have a TV, but we have never ordered cable. When we needed to convert to the black box , never did it. Our TV sits in our family room for the use of movie nights or educational videos for our homeschooling.
    We are happy with our choice and would never change it!

  • Kelli Corona

    We have always had TV’s but do not have cable. Out TV’s are for movies and netflix though the time watching anything is very limited and rare. We love it on snowy days, when we sit by the fire but when it is nice we are outside.

  • Kristi

    My husband and I bought a TV when we married, but mainly so we could see our wedding video. :) Since then, we have never had cable, and mostly use the TV to watch DVDs when we want to unwind together – things like the Waltons or old episodes of I Love Lucy or Wonder Woman. Our daughter, three, will occasionally watch a DVD (and usually with us), but that is it. We also don’t keep it in our living room. It is in the guest bedroom, so when we watch it is a deliberate decision to retreat from our regular activities not the default setting. I grew up with several TVs and had a friend who had none. I always wondered what it was like, and found her home incredibly peaceful. I would like to have that same sense in my home.

  • http://www.babystam.blogspot.com Renee

    Love this post!!! We have been doing the TV free home on and off over here! When the Lord saved me I went TV free because I was *ahem* addicted to it!!!! so that lasted until our second year of marriage (about 5 years no tv) I was pregnant with our second little girls, with a very very busy young toddler and sick like a dog. My husband was working long hours and I needed to be on bed rest for most of the pregnancy, so we brought the TV in but just using DVD’s and VHS (to control what our little goose saw) it was a blessing!!!! then after our third little girl we when TV free again, for about 1 year and 2 months ago I had a miscarriage with complication, so the tv came in again… now that I’m slowly feeling more *like myself* I think it’s time to say bye bye TV again :-)

    I’m not against TV, but I like our family better without it :-)

  • Marysmiley4

    We turned off our tv for good 3 months ago. Before that we had canceled cable and lived with only Netflix for a year so it was a slow weaning, but it feels so good! The TV still sits in our living room, but if you turned it on you wouldn’t get any reception. We love the fun we have as a family now and our two girls play so much better together now. Thanks for haring your story.

  • http://mathfour.com Bon Crowder

    Daughter’s now 2 – and we’ve kept her off the TV the whole time. Now she’s discovered videos on the iphone. Alas, we can keep it to “you can only watch videos on the potty.”

    So far iPhone & M&Ms are what’s helping us potty train!

  • Ann Shannon

    We have one TV, mostly because my husband and I both love to watch football! LOL I can’t remember the last time we watched anything besides football, other than the weather during the recent Hurricane Irene, on regular TV. We do use Netflix streaming video and the girls and I watch an episode or 2 of older tv shows. They are not perfect but far more entertaining than what is on currently. There is the added benefit of no commercials and if an episode is about something we don’t want to hear about we just skip it… We also don’t watch many of the current for the same reasons, modesty, language, content… the beauty is that I started out shielding my daughters from what I perceived as evil and harmful, and now they are shielding themselves. They have no desire to see what they are missing.

    A few months ago my older daughter and I had this discussion about Jersey Shore. She wanted to watch it, all her friends at church watched it. I told her it was inappropriate, she continued to beg so I told her we would watch 1 episode together so she could see why I disapproved, she didn’t even make it 5 minutes before she got up and said I don’t want to watch this. It is stupid…
    Ann

  • Lisa Jefferies

    We do have a television. We primarily use it for viewing movies and playing video games – both are content and time-monitored and held mainly for special use on the weekend. The only time we will watch network TV is if there is something special, like the Olympics. I am so happy we don’t watch TV. I don’t miss the junk it portrays, the time it wastes, and the lack of relationship created!

  • http://susanna-joy.blogspot.com/ Susanna

    I love not having a TV in my house! I’m single and in my early twenties–and people are shocked that I don’t have a TV in my apartment. While I have to admit that the original reason for getting rid of it was vain-it was old, ugly, and frankly took up too much space in my tiny living room, I have really enjoyed not having a TV. While I do watch a couple of TV shows on Hulu, I find that I am much more productive without a TV. When I do watch a show, it is on my own time and I am more conscious of how much time I spend watching–rather than having a TV on all the time in the background and getting sucked in for hours at a time. I find people’s reactions hilarious when I tell them I don’t have a TV. “What do you DO at home?”-as if there is nothing else to do at home besides watch TV!! As for kids–good for you! I wish more parents would at least limit the amount of TV that their children watch–unfortunately it is an easy babysitter, but too many shows emulate characters that are mouthy, talk back to their parents, or dress inappropriately. Keep on keeping on!
    God Bless,

    Susanna

  • Jessy

    We have one TV in the livingroom. The kids are allowed one hour of viewing at the end of the day, but sometimes they don’t even watch that. Once they were out of the “habit” of having the TV on, it’s rare that they ask for it now. I certainly don’t miss “SpongeBob”, “Carly” and “Phineas”. LOL A couple of times a month we borrow a FAMILY movie from the library and have Movie Night. The kids were ho-hum about it until we cut unlimited viewing time. Now, it’s FUN stuff!

    And I know some comments asked about “What do the kids do without TV?” It’s been amazing how easily it’s been for my kids to fill that time! They read more. They traipse through the woods more. They play with their dog and chickens more. They build with scrap wood and tree branches. They put MILES on their bikes and scooters. They delve into the Arts and Crafts drawer all the time. They make new recipes. THEY DO CHORES. It’s awesome!

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  • http://kimberlys-cup.blogspot.com/ Kimberlyscup

    tv-free for 15 years–don’t miss it at all

  • Hetty28

    when I was a child I knew of only a few families who didn’t have tv. and I thought they were weird. Now, as an adult I think of those families and wish that they were the norm instead of as the weirdo family who shuns the outside world! I think about what’s on tv. every single night and rarely is there something on that is uplifting to the family or God-honoring. Instead every night there is nothing but sex and shows advocating alternative lifestyles as the new normal and heaven forbid you’re against it then you’re labeled as homophobic, etc. I still have my tv and enjoy my foodnetwork but I must admit I change the channel a lot more than I used to and one day when I have children I may feel as you do and view it as just one more thing I have to protect my child against.

  • Megan

    My husband and I got rid of our Cable all togehter, and opted to use Netflix, so we could get more options for shows whenever we wanted them, without all of the commercials that we dissaproved of. I respect your decision to get rid of the TV altogether! I would do that as well, but my husband REALLY needs teh TV. lol