Battling Toxic Perfectionism

September 14, 2011 By

I had always thought that being a perfectionist was a positive character attribute. When people would ask me to describe myself, I would often announce my perfectionist tendencies with a hint of pride.

Little did I know that these same attributes that I so greatly enjoyed could easily turn toxic when left unchecked.

First, I started thinking that I really could do it all. Our lifestyle of homesteading naturally adds a greater level of activity to our everyday life, but apparently I still didn’t think that was enough! In addition to my long list of daily homestead chores, I was attempting to make ALL of our food from scratch, keep the house and yard meticulously manicured, and maintain an active social life. Not to mention being a full-time mama to our busy 15 month old in the process.

As I added more and more to my to-do list, I never allowed myself to make healthy compromises or “relax” my standards at all.

(Photo Credit)

As a result, the garden was never weeded enough for my tastes, the lawn was never mowed just how I wanted it to be, and the floors were never spotless enough. I was running a thousand different directions, never allowing myself to enjoy my work. I was only able to focus on the things that had yet to be done.

In order to stop this downward spiral, I’ve had to stop and re-evaluate the purpose behind my perfectionism. And my conclusion?

It has a lot to do with pride.

Yeah, ouch.

When “perfection” becomes an idol and a point of pride in your life, then you need to do something about it. Fast.

While there is nothing wrong with keeping a reasonably full schedule or desiring a tidy home, we must be careful not to elevate our desire for “perfect” over our relationship with God or our families.

Here are 3 of my best tips for fighting toxic perfectionism:

1. Make a list of priorities. Make a reasonable list of the things that need accomplished that particular day (or week). Cross them off as you go, then do not allow yourself to add any other items to the list for that day. Allow yourself to enjoy the completed tasks!

2. Compromise. When I finally realized how burned out I was becoming, I started to compromise in some areas. I decided that some tasks could wait (the dining room doesn’t HAVE to be painted today…), and I even purchased some food items to lighten my load in the kitchen (Buying store-bought bread was painful, but I survived.)

3. Let it go. When all else fails, just stop obsessing over it. Couldn’t get the laundry folded today? Then close the door and allow yourself to enjoy the evening. Fretting over it won’t get it done.

It’s a journey, but I’m thankful that I finally recognized the toxic perfectionism in my life. So what’s on my to-do list for the fall? Playing with my daughter on the smudged kitchen floor, eating a sandwich or two on store-bought bread, and sitting out on my un-manicured lawn enjoying a sunset.

Blessings,

Jill

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16 Comments | Filed Under: Family Management, Following God, Homemaking
About Jill Winger

Jill writes from the homestead she shares with her husband, daughter, and ever-changing assortment of animals. When she's not in the kitchen preparing traditional foods, you'll find her outside riding horses, growing vegetables, milking her cow, and killing rattlesnakes. She blogs at The Prairie Homestead, where she enjoys encouraging readers to return to their roots, no matter where they may live.

  • Sheena

    After a burnout this morning, I really needed to hear this.. Thank you! :)

    • http://www.theprairiehomestead.com Jill @ The Prairie Homestead

      I’m so glad Sheena. :)

  • Salena @ A Little Piece of Me

    Just what I needed to hear. Thank you.

  • http://www.onefunmom.com Christy

    I, too, have struggled with perfectionism. Luckily, now that I have four kids some things are just plain impossible. (all joking aside, I still have to remind myself to slow down and let some things go!) I like what you said about compromise – sometimes a simple convenience food at the store can be a life-saver.

  • Cate Clother

    Thank you, Jill! It is so funny how us eco-mom types can get so freaked about about toxic chemicals and pollutants in our homes and foods, and somehow seem to overlook toxic attitudes, anger, perfectionism, etc. Just this morning I was guilty of yelling at my 4 year old because he wouldn’t eat the organic buckwheat pancakes I had made for him. Pretty ridiculous!

    • http://www.theprairiehomestead.com Jill @ The Prairie Homestead

      Exactly Cate! The other day my husband mentioned that I was so worried about eating healthy foods, but I didn’t seem concerned as to what effects the stress was having on me… He was so right. Ouch. ;)

  • Cate Clother

    Thank you, Jill! It is so funny how us eco-mom types can get so freaked about about toxic chemicals and pollutants in our homes and foods, and somehow seem to overlook toxic attitudes, anger, perfectionism, etc. Just this morning I was guilty of yelling at my 4 year old because he wouldn’t eat the organic buckwheat pancakes I had made for him. Pretty ridiculous!

  • http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

    So so true! And I love, LOVE your number one tip. Because I wouldn’t do that. I usually make a list that I couldn’t possibly finish in a day and get discouraged because it feels like nothing EVER gets completed. But…BUT…this idea sounds fanatastic because I can set some reasonable goals, working with an end in mind, and be satisifed by the end of the day. Then I can begin the same routine the next day. Wow. Imagine how much I would get accomplished that way–and not only accomplishments, but also having the ability to rest in Him without guilt.

    You might be interested in a new book that just released this month. I just finished reading it and a review/giveaway is going up on my blog tomorrow. It’s called “Grace for the Good Girl” by Emily Freeman, and I honestly cannot recommend it enough.

    Thank you so much, Jill, for your transparency!

    • http://www.theprairiehomestead.com Jill @ The Prairie Homestead

      I hear ya Christin! I found myself either making unatainable lists, or continually adding new tasks as I crossed others off so I ended up never feeling “done”. Yuck!

      I haven’t heard of that book, but it sounds very interesting! I am going to head over to your blog to check it out!

  • Sharon

    I remember the first time someone called me a perfectionist, back in high school. I thought to myself, how could I be a perfectionist when I don’t do things perfectly?? I now realize that just because I can’t do everything perfectly, doesn’t mean I don’t think I should or strive to. Being a Mom has helped curb this desire in me some. There aren’t enough hours in the day (or night) or enough energy to get everything done that I’d like to. So, some things, I have learned that it’s better that they are done, even if not perfectly or exactly how I’d like them to be and others just don’t get done. One other thing I’ve noticed is that sometimes I put off doing something for fear that I won’t be able to do it “just right.” Again, some things are better off to just be done, rather than to be put off for eternity until they can be done perfectly.

    • http://www.theprairiehomestead.com Jill @ The Prairie Homestead

      I agree Sharon! I, too, have put off doing things for fear that I couldn’t do them “perfect” the first time. Like you said, it’s much better just to get them done sometimes!

  • Kelly @ The Nourishing Home

    What a blessing this post is – you are so right and I have faced the same struggle and been convicted through the power of the Holy Spirit showing me that my perfectionistic heart was not pleasing to God. It was an idol in my life too and it something I still struggle with, but praise God that I now see it and can lean on Him for His power to overcome. I think a lot of this desire to have everything just perfect and to be perfect is definitely centered around pride. For me, I realized that I was not wanting to be dependent on others for help – why? Of course it was because I pridefully wanted to revel in my own accomplishments. But the fact is, we can do nothing of any value without it coming from a heart that first and foremost wants to please God and give Him the glory. Thank you again for this wonderful post! What an inspiration your are! xoxo, kel

  • Joy

    Excellent thoughts! These are practical and live-giving words to so many. Thank you, Jill, for being vulnerable with your struggles. It really is in that letting go of perfectionism that the joy can come, isn’t it?!
    Thank you for a GREAT post!!
    Blessings to you!

  • Jdroberts87

    I think another good idea is asking your husband what is a priority for the day or week. The Bible says For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. (Eph 5:23). This has helped me so much because I know God has equipped my husband to be the head of the house, so when I am feeling overwhelmed by tasks and emotions of my to-do list, I can ask my husband to help prioritize the things I need to get done. It helps lift a load off my shoulders and makes my husband energized because I respect his input and help! God Bless

    • http://thechuppies.blogspot.com/ Kara @ The Chuppies

      Love this…it’s so true…I’ve learned over our 15 yrs. of marriage that sometimes (actually OFTEN) my priorities are not my husband’s…it’s freeing to realize that certain things do or don’t matter to him…and then to be able to let those go.

  • http://thechuppies.blogspot.com/ Kara @ The Chuppies

    Love this Jill…thank you!
    Kind of stops me in my tracks when I really evaluate the “why” behind well…why I do things or why certain things matter to me.
    Ugh–the word “pride” just cuts right to the core.
    I love seeing how you’ve allowed God to work on your heart.
    I cling to–”He will complete a good work in me”